Like I was born yesterday.
It’s easy enough for Willow to say I should be understanding of my poor mother during her difficult time. She doesn’t have to live with her. The Mad Cow had another major trauma attack tonight because her whites came out grey. Sigmund and Justin had vanished, as per usual, and Nan was passed out in front of the telly (also as per usual), so she came straight for me. She wanted to know what I’d been doing in the washing machine. “Nothing,” I said. “Washing clothes.” She started waving a finger in front of my face. Hysterically. “Then what’s this, Janet? What’s this?” she kept shrieking. It was black dye. She said if this was my clever way of getting out of doing my own laundry, I could forget it. She suggested I read ALL instructions before I did anything. She said if it EVER happened again, she was going to send me to Indonesia to work in a factory until I’d earned enough to buy a new machine. She reckons it would take till I’m thirty.
Everybody else had spaghetti bolognese for supper tonight, but all I had was a cheese sandwich because Nan threw out the soya mince. She thought it was dog food and we don’t have a dog. How is it possible that I’m related to these people? I hope I’m not getting anaemic.
Found myself in the kitchen with my parents’ other child tonight. I was ignoring him as usual when he suddenly told me I should give the MC a break. I said what? Her leg? Her arm? Her neck? He said it’s not a joke. Can’t I see the state she’s in? I said it would be pretty hard for me to miss it, since I’m the one who gets most of her shit. Thank God, our conversation got cut short by Sigmund barging in, looking for the corkscrew (the MC was over at Willow’s again so he couldn’t ask
her
). Justin didn’t even look at him; he just mumbled something about it being about time that I joined the human race, and left the room.
SATURDAY 17 FEBRUARY
I woke up this morning looking like I’d been bitten by the King Kong of mosquitoes. My whole nose is red now. And swollen! The Mad Cow says it’s infected and made me take the ring out. Thank God it’s half-term or I might end up going to school with a bag over my head like Katie Jamers did that time she dyed her hair pink and her father went INSANE and SHAVED IT ALL OFF! The Dippy Hippy gave me one of her herbal remedies for my nose. At least it smells OK.
Since looking like something deformed has made it impossible for me to go out in daylight, I read another couple of pages of
The Outsider
and did some yoga. I was feeling in a pretty reflective mood after that, so I wrote a poem about being Here while everyone else is There. Disha said it was v deep, which is what I thought. So maybe it was important for my nose to go septic for me to assimilate what the DP has taught me so far.
SUNDAY 18 FEBRUARY (Sara Dancer’s advice about locked doors proves prophetic!!!)
Three Reasons Why I Hate My Brother:
(1) He’s ugly and stupid.
(2) He tore up my best colouring book when I was four.
(3) This afternoon I was practising yoga to my new CD (the chanting does help, though there’s a bit when they suddenly start blowing trumpets and banging cymbals that comes as a surprise the first time you hear it) when the stereo just stopped playing. I wasn’t going to go through all the bother of finding a new fuse and putting it in and all that, so, since the Biggest Argument for Abortion wasn’t home, I went to his room (otherwise known as the Black Hole) to borrow his stereo, which is like going into a house where someone’s just died of bubonic plague. His room isn’t just untidy – it SMELLS. I couldn’t see his stereo, so, holding my nose and trying not to gag or touch anything with my skin, I started kicking piles of clothes aside. And what do you think I found? MY LEOPARD-PRINT BRA!!! That’s what I found!!! Are you revolted? Multiply that by about a trillion and you’ll know how I felt! I picked it up with
It’s easy enough for Willow to say I should be understanding of my poor mother during her difficult time. She doesn’t have to live with her. The Mad Cow had another major trauma attack tonight because her whites came out grey. Sigmund and Justin had vanished, as per usual, and Nan was passed out in front of the telly (also as per usual), so she came straight for me. She wanted to know what I’d been doing in the washing machine. “Nothing,” I said. “Washing clothes.” She started waving a finger in front of my face. Hysterically. “Then what’s this, Janet? What’s this?” she kept shrieking. It was black dye. She said if this was my clever way of getting out of doing my own laundry, I could forget it. She suggested I read ALL instructions before I did anything. She said if it EVER happened again, she was going to send me to Indonesia to work in a factory until I’d earned enough to buy a new machine. She reckons it would take till I’m thirty.
Everybody else had spaghetti bolognese for supper tonight, but all I had was a cheese sandwich because Nan threw out the soya mince. She thought it was dog food and we don’t have a dog. How is it possible that I’m related to these people? I hope I’m not getting anaemic.
Found myself in the kitchen with my parents’ other child tonight. I was ignoring him as usual when he suddenly told me I should give the MC a break. I said what? Her leg? Her arm? Her neck? He said it’s not a joke. Can’t I see the state she’s in? I said it would be pretty hard for me to miss it, since I’m the one who gets most of her shit. Thank God, our conversation got cut short by Sigmund barging in, looking for the corkscrew (the MC was over at Willow’s again so he couldn’t ask
her
). Justin didn’t even look at him; he just mumbled something about it being about time that I joined the human race, and left the room.
SATURDAY 17 FEBRUARY
I woke up this morning looking like I’d been bitten by the King Kong of mosquitoes. My whole nose is red now. And swollen! The Mad Cow says it’s infected and made me take the ring out. Thank God it’s half-term or I might end up going to school with a bag over my head like Katie Jamers did that time she dyed her hair pink and her father went INSANE and SHAVED IT ALL OFF! The Dippy Hippy gave me one of her herbal remedies for my nose. At least it smells OK.
Since looking like something deformed has made it impossible for me to go out in daylight, I read another couple of pages of
The Outsider
and did some yoga. I was feeling in a pretty reflective mood after that, so I wrote a poem about being Here while everyone else is There. Disha said it was v deep, which is what I thought. So maybe it was important for my nose to go septic for me to assimilate what the DP has taught me so far.
SUNDAY 18 FEBRUARY (Sara Dancer’s advice about locked doors proves prophetic!!!)
Three Reasons Why I Hate My Brother:
(1) He’s ugly and stupid.
(2) He tore up my best colouring book when I was four.
(3) This afternoon I was practising yoga to my new CD (the chanting does help, though there’s a bit when they suddenly start blowing trumpets and banging cymbals that comes as a surprise the first time you hear it) when the stereo just stopped playing. I wasn’t going to go through all the bother of finding a new fuse and putting it in and all that, so, since the Biggest Argument for Abortion wasn’t home, I went to his room (otherwise known as the Black Hole) to borrow his stereo, which is like going into a house where someone’s just died of bubonic plague. His room isn’t just untidy – it SMELLS. I couldn’t see his stereo, so, holding my nose and trying not to gag or touch anything with my skin, I started kicking piles of clothes aside. And what do you think I found? MY LEOPARD-PRINT BRA!!! That’s what I found!!! Are you revolted? Multiply that by about a trillion and you’ll know how I felt! I picked it up with
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