tell Dominic that I will make time to play cards or watch a movie with him when I get back. But how can I be a parent when I am such a child right now? All of my attention is focused on my mom. I am a small girl waiting for my mother to die.
⢠⢠â¢
I wait until all the lights are out in the house and then slide open the drawer of my momâs filing cabinet. Her letters are in no particular order and almost none of them are dated, though Iâm piecing together a few that clearly date from before she left.
Iâm absolutely batty in this sinkhole. Dirty diapers staining the floors, strained peas everywhere, and the washerâs on the brink. J. is all up in arms because I would like to at least take a week by myself sometime. I canât see where itâs such a weird idea. He ought to cut me some slack. Iâm inclined to think heâs worried about me having a rendezvous with W. and I canât scoff him on that point. But this affinity W. and I have is so totally unrealistic itâs ridiculous!
âWââI know this refers to Bill, a former âbeauâ and horse trainer from Texas that she loved and thought about over many years. I met him once when I was thirteen and was struck by how flirtatious my mom was with him. I want to understand how he fits into the timeline of my momâs life. So I read on.
J. is out with friendsâprobably drinking and having fun while I suffer the indignities of attending to numerous tots. We will take our vacation in two weeks. Ah, bliss. Only 6â7 days, but 6â7 days without babies is like 21 with. Weâll probably go to Tahoe for a few days and then pan for gold and camp out. I would be so excited if I found a real gold nugget! And it does happen sometimes.
I donât know if this vacation ever happened or who we would have stayed with for those six to seven days. All I can concentrate on is her hope of finding âa real gold nuggetââso very Mom.
The next note is on composition paper.
I had an English professor once who started out giving me As on all my papersâa thing he didnât do often. Well, he got to know me and my work better, and then gave me Cs. As a way of explanation he called me after class one day in which we had been handed back tests. I had gotten an 86. He asked me if I had seen the movie The Hustler. I hadnât.
âWell,â he said. âItâs about a pool shark, played by Paul Newman, who had so much skill it was hard to believe. He could sink a billiard ball anywhere on the table from any position. But he never won. He was a LOSER, and thatâs what you are. Iâll be damned (he was getting pretty worked up) if it doesnât look like you wanted to keep yourself from getting an A. You sail through so many questionsâbeautiful, self-respecting, comprehensive answers. The way you did the one on Ophelia was close to brilliant. Then you completely foul up a few as if you thought you were going along too wellâas if you werenât going to last. I donât know. Weâll see you Thursday.â
Oh that man, if he ever realizes what he did to meâ¦or for me?
I never did see him on Thursday. I dropped his course. I wasnât going to mess around with someone who had me pegged. I had good excuses as I was two monthsâ pregnant and didnât feel quite up to par when that eight oâclock class rolled around. But my beloved professor hit me right below the belt.
Her story devastates me. The thought of my mom, so young and pregnant, being pegged as a loser and feeling her only choice was to drop out of her first year of college. Surely this wasnât what she wanted. My mom was exceptionally bright, and both she and my aunt received high scores on their IQ tests as young girls. In hindsight, I think my dad often mentioned this detail about her IQ because he wanted us to understand that while our mother didnât always make the smartest
⢠⢠â¢
I wait until all the lights are out in the house and then slide open the drawer of my momâs filing cabinet. Her letters are in no particular order and almost none of them are dated, though Iâm piecing together a few that clearly date from before she left.
Iâm absolutely batty in this sinkhole. Dirty diapers staining the floors, strained peas everywhere, and the washerâs on the brink. J. is all up in arms because I would like to at least take a week by myself sometime. I canât see where itâs such a weird idea. He ought to cut me some slack. Iâm inclined to think heâs worried about me having a rendezvous with W. and I canât scoff him on that point. But this affinity W. and I have is so totally unrealistic itâs ridiculous!
âWââI know this refers to Bill, a former âbeauâ and horse trainer from Texas that she loved and thought about over many years. I met him once when I was thirteen and was struck by how flirtatious my mom was with him. I want to understand how he fits into the timeline of my momâs life. So I read on.
J. is out with friendsâprobably drinking and having fun while I suffer the indignities of attending to numerous tots. We will take our vacation in two weeks. Ah, bliss. Only 6â7 days, but 6â7 days without babies is like 21 with. Weâll probably go to Tahoe for a few days and then pan for gold and camp out. I would be so excited if I found a real gold nugget! And it does happen sometimes.
I donât know if this vacation ever happened or who we would have stayed with for those six to seven days. All I can concentrate on is her hope of finding âa real gold nuggetââso very Mom.
The next note is on composition paper.
I had an English professor once who started out giving me As on all my papersâa thing he didnât do often. Well, he got to know me and my work better, and then gave me Cs. As a way of explanation he called me after class one day in which we had been handed back tests. I had gotten an 86. He asked me if I had seen the movie The Hustler. I hadnât.
âWell,â he said. âItâs about a pool shark, played by Paul Newman, who had so much skill it was hard to believe. He could sink a billiard ball anywhere on the table from any position. But he never won. He was a LOSER, and thatâs what you are. Iâll be damned (he was getting pretty worked up) if it doesnât look like you wanted to keep yourself from getting an A. You sail through so many questionsâbeautiful, self-respecting, comprehensive answers. The way you did the one on Ophelia was close to brilliant. Then you completely foul up a few as if you thought you were going along too wellâas if you werenât going to last. I donât know. Weâll see you Thursday.â
Oh that man, if he ever realizes what he did to meâ¦or for me?
I never did see him on Thursday. I dropped his course. I wasnât going to mess around with someone who had me pegged. I had good excuses as I was two monthsâ pregnant and didnât feel quite up to par when that eight oâclock class rolled around. But my beloved professor hit me right below the belt.
Her story devastates me. The thought of my mom, so young and pregnant, being pegged as a loser and feeling her only choice was to drop out of her first year of college. Surely this wasnât what she wanted. My mom was exceptionally bright, and both she and my aunt received high scores on their IQ tests as young girls. In hindsight, I think my dad often mentioned this detail about her IQ because he wanted us to understand that while our mother didnât always make the smartest
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