before the management pushed the tables back and the DJ turned on the dance music. He"d told me. But when I heard Cooper again—something so impossibly familiar to me—memories caught my heart in a vise that physically hurt until my throat practically closed. I had to stand still for minute while shock traveled through my body. I hadn"t realized, hadn"t understood how much I"d missed Cooper until right then.
The last time I had seen Cooper, he"d visited me at Hazelden in Minnesota when I went for my second stab at rehab. He"d held me and we"d cried, and then I had him thrown out and taken off my list of approved visitors. At the time, he understood. I wanted him to move on, to go back to California with Shawn and to cut his ties to a past that could only drown him in remorse.
Yet suddenly I worried that maybe he"d seen that differently. Maybe he thought I didn"t want his friendship anymore. That maybe I was cutting ties forever.
Physical Therapy
55
So now, faced with the prospect of telling him I"d come to St. Nacho"s and that I really cherished his and Shawn"s friendship and needed it, I thought maybe I"d gone about building up to it rather badly.
Ken turned to face me, concerned. “What?”
“I don"t know if I can do this. My friend and I, we left it a little…open-ended.” Ken"s face went blank. Like a mask. “Open-ended how?”
“Like maybe he won"t want to see me open-ended.”
“There"s only one way to find out.”
“And if he"s unhappy I moved here?”
“Is he the mayor?”
I laughed. “No.”
“Then he probably can"t have you kicked out of town.” Ken grinned and then sobered. “You didn"t move here to get back with him?”
“No.” I was quick to reassure him of that. “He has someone, and they"re happy.
It"s good.” I bit my lip. Didn’t that sound like I wanted to get back together, but he was taken?
“It"s not like that between us anyway.”
“Was it ever?” Ken asked.
“Yes.”
“I see.” He had that blank look again, the one I didn"t know how to deal with. He was too young, I thought, to hide his emotions well. Maybe he was just too new at feeling his way with his attraction to men.
“If I promise to tell you the entire story sometime, you have to promise to learn to hide your emotions better. Everything you think shows up on your face.” He shrugged. “Fair enough.” He took my hand again, pulling me back against a building as a small group of men walked past. “I just want you to know I don"t think I"ve ever cared what happens to my face before. You"re probably the first person who has ever made me feel this off balance.” He looked down at his legs. “So to speak.”
“Ken, have you ever been with a man before?”
He kept his eyes down, and even in the spotty illumination of the streetlights, I could see that his cheeks were burning. “Yes. Well…groping. Furtive exchanges, mostly related to sports. Locker-room stuff.”
“You"ve never had a lover?” I asked, point-blank.
“No.”
“Oh, for fuck"s sake.” I wanted to go home. Not just to the motel, but back to Wisconsin. “You don"t make things easy, do you?”
He backed me up against the concrete wall of the building next to Nacho"s and pressed his hand into my groin, lighting it on fire as though he touched a match to a fuse.
“It could be,” he whispered. “It could be very easy, Jordan.” 56
Z. A. Maxfield
I huffed in a panting breath and was just about to reply when from over Ken"s shoulder I heard my name called in a voice I"d recognize simply as the most unique and perhaps bizarre I"d ever heard.
“Jordan?”
Cooper"s lover, Shawn, stood behind Ken. For a moment I held my breath, and then, despite the fact that Ken still had his hand on my dick, Shawn picked me up and squashed me in one of the most enthusiastic hugs I"d ever felt.
“Jordan! It is you. Cooper will be so happy!” He shook me like a doll and then let me slump back up against the wall. “Why didn"t you tell us
The last time I had seen Cooper, he"d visited me at Hazelden in Minnesota when I went for my second stab at rehab. He"d held me and we"d cried, and then I had him thrown out and taken off my list of approved visitors. At the time, he understood. I wanted him to move on, to go back to California with Shawn and to cut his ties to a past that could only drown him in remorse.
Yet suddenly I worried that maybe he"d seen that differently. Maybe he thought I didn"t want his friendship anymore. That maybe I was cutting ties forever.
Physical Therapy
55
So now, faced with the prospect of telling him I"d come to St. Nacho"s and that I really cherished his and Shawn"s friendship and needed it, I thought maybe I"d gone about building up to it rather badly.
Ken turned to face me, concerned. “What?”
“I don"t know if I can do this. My friend and I, we left it a little…open-ended.” Ken"s face went blank. Like a mask. “Open-ended how?”
“Like maybe he won"t want to see me open-ended.”
“There"s only one way to find out.”
“And if he"s unhappy I moved here?”
“Is he the mayor?”
I laughed. “No.”
“Then he probably can"t have you kicked out of town.” Ken grinned and then sobered. “You didn"t move here to get back with him?”
“No.” I was quick to reassure him of that. “He has someone, and they"re happy.
It"s good.” I bit my lip. Didn’t that sound like I wanted to get back together, but he was taken?
“It"s not like that between us anyway.”
“Was it ever?” Ken asked.
“Yes.”
“I see.” He had that blank look again, the one I didn"t know how to deal with. He was too young, I thought, to hide his emotions well. Maybe he was just too new at feeling his way with his attraction to men.
“If I promise to tell you the entire story sometime, you have to promise to learn to hide your emotions better. Everything you think shows up on your face.” He shrugged. “Fair enough.” He took my hand again, pulling me back against a building as a small group of men walked past. “I just want you to know I don"t think I"ve ever cared what happens to my face before. You"re probably the first person who has ever made me feel this off balance.” He looked down at his legs. “So to speak.”
“Ken, have you ever been with a man before?”
He kept his eyes down, and even in the spotty illumination of the streetlights, I could see that his cheeks were burning. “Yes. Well…groping. Furtive exchanges, mostly related to sports. Locker-room stuff.”
“You"ve never had a lover?” I asked, point-blank.
“No.”
“Oh, for fuck"s sake.” I wanted to go home. Not just to the motel, but back to Wisconsin. “You don"t make things easy, do you?”
He backed me up against the concrete wall of the building next to Nacho"s and pressed his hand into my groin, lighting it on fire as though he touched a match to a fuse.
“It could be,” he whispered. “It could be very easy, Jordan.” 56
Z. A. Maxfield
I huffed in a panting breath and was just about to reply when from over Ken"s shoulder I heard my name called in a voice I"d recognize simply as the most unique and perhaps bizarre I"d ever heard.
“Jordan?”
Cooper"s lover, Shawn, stood behind Ken. For a moment I held my breath, and then, despite the fact that Ken still had his hand on my dick, Shawn picked me up and squashed me in one of the most enthusiastic hugs I"d ever felt.
“Jordan! It is you. Cooper will be so happy!” He shook me like a doll and then let me slump back up against the wall. “Why didn"t you tell us
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