Phule Me Twice by Robert Asprin, Peter J. Heck
Authors: Robert Asprin, Peter J. Heck
Tags: Fiction, General, Science-Fiction, Fantasy fiction, SF, Space Opera, Life on other planets, Robots, Phule's Company (Fictitious characters), Phule; Willard (Fictitious character)
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customer service rep with an insulted expression, "you can't expect the standard manual to cover all the custom features you ordered. Why, we'd have to write a new manual for every order we filled."
"For what I paid, that doesn't seem an outlandish service to expect," said Phule.
"For what you paid, I'd think you could have detailed one of your soldiers to stay with it and guard it," sneered Stanton.
"My men are legionnaires, not soldiers," Phule corrected the Andromatic representative somewhat testily. "More to the point, my whole reason for acquiring an android double was to convince various people that I was still on Lorelei instead of several parsecs away. I've never found it necessary to walk around with a bodyguard, and if I suddenly appeared to change my routine, it would attract attention. That's exactly what I didn't want."
Stanton shook his head slowly. "Nonetheless, I think we have a clear-cut case of customer negligence here. You must understand, Andromatic cannot take responsibility for unintended uses of our products." He made handwashing gestures.
"I think I need to speak to the manager of customer service," said Phule.
"I am pleased to be able to accommodate you," said Stanton, with a mock bow. "As it happens, I am the manager of customer service."
Phule glared at the vidscreen. "I see," he said. "Let me see if I understand this, then. None of your stock units would do what I wanted a robot double for, so I had to custom-order one that would. But the custom modifications I paid extra for aren't covered in the manual, and the warranty doesn't extend to the uses for which I specifically requested the modifications. My failure to follow instructions I didn't receive constitutes negligence or misuse of the product. Is that about right?"
"That covers most of it, yes," said Stanton with a smirk. "Is there anything else that I can help you with today?"
"Evidently not," said Phule. He'd fallen into very precise diction, which anyone who knew him would have recognized as a very dangerous sign. "However, you might save yourself considerable trouble if you started clearing out your desk as soon as this call is over. I'm going to make sure that Andromatic cleans house, and the first department to get swept out will be customer disservice." He cut the connection abruptly and slumped into his chair.
"Shall I begin acquiring Andromatic shares, sir?" said Beeker, who had watched the entire conversation.
"Check the profitability first," said Phule. "If they're running as sloppy an operation as it looks from here, the shares might be overpriced. I suspect the company can turn a decent profit if it's managed right, but I don't see any reason to pay more than we need to for the privilege of turning it around."
"Perhaps it would be advisable to start rumors to get the price down to a reasonable level," noted Beeker.
"If we have to, sure," said Phule. "But don't put a lot of effort into it. We've got bigger fish to fry-among them, figuring out just who's got the robot and how to get it back."
"I should expect they'll give us the courtesy of a ransom call before long, sir," said Beeker. He opened the cover of his Port-a-Brain computer and began calling up his mail program.
"Possibly," said Phule. "That depends on their reasons for the robbery in the first place. If they're looking to make the most possible mischief for me, they can do a lot better by holding onto the thing than by selling it back to me."
"I fear you're right, sir," said Beeker. He looked at the screen, then continued. "At any rate, there's no word on the android at present. We shall have to pursue other channels."
"Well, pursue away," said Phule. I'm going to go see how Sushi's coming along with his search for the man who robbed that Japanese restaurant. Give me a buzz if there's any useful news."
"Immediately, sir," said Beeker. He turned back to the Port-a-Brain and began his search.
Journal #520
Crises never choose a convenient time to
"For what I paid, that doesn't seem an outlandish service to expect," said Phule.
"For what you paid, I'd think you could have detailed one of your soldiers to stay with it and guard it," sneered Stanton.
"My men are legionnaires, not soldiers," Phule corrected the Andromatic representative somewhat testily. "More to the point, my whole reason for acquiring an android double was to convince various people that I was still on Lorelei instead of several parsecs away. I've never found it necessary to walk around with a bodyguard, and if I suddenly appeared to change my routine, it would attract attention. That's exactly what I didn't want."
Stanton shook his head slowly. "Nonetheless, I think we have a clear-cut case of customer negligence here. You must understand, Andromatic cannot take responsibility for unintended uses of our products." He made handwashing gestures.
"I think I need to speak to the manager of customer service," said Phule.
"I am pleased to be able to accommodate you," said Stanton, with a mock bow. "As it happens, I am the manager of customer service."
Phule glared at the vidscreen. "I see," he said. "Let me see if I understand this, then. None of your stock units would do what I wanted a robot double for, so I had to custom-order one that would. But the custom modifications I paid extra for aren't covered in the manual, and the warranty doesn't extend to the uses for which I specifically requested the modifications. My failure to follow instructions I didn't receive constitutes negligence or misuse of the product. Is that about right?"
"That covers most of it, yes," said Stanton with a smirk. "Is there anything else that I can help you with today?"
"Evidently not," said Phule. He'd fallen into very precise diction, which anyone who knew him would have recognized as a very dangerous sign. "However, you might save yourself considerable trouble if you started clearing out your desk as soon as this call is over. I'm going to make sure that Andromatic cleans house, and the first department to get swept out will be customer disservice." He cut the connection abruptly and slumped into his chair.
"Shall I begin acquiring Andromatic shares, sir?" said Beeker, who had watched the entire conversation.
"Check the profitability first," said Phule. "If they're running as sloppy an operation as it looks from here, the shares might be overpriced. I suspect the company can turn a decent profit if it's managed right, but I don't see any reason to pay more than we need to for the privilege of turning it around."
"Perhaps it would be advisable to start rumors to get the price down to a reasonable level," noted Beeker.
"If we have to, sure," said Phule. "But don't put a lot of effort into it. We've got bigger fish to fry-among them, figuring out just who's got the robot and how to get it back."
"I should expect they'll give us the courtesy of a ransom call before long, sir," said Beeker. He opened the cover of his Port-a-Brain computer and began calling up his mail program.
"Possibly," said Phule. "That depends on their reasons for the robbery in the first place. If they're looking to make the most possible mischief for me, they can do a lot better by holding onto the thing than by selling it back to me."
"I fear you're right, sir," said Beeker. He looked at the screen, then continued. "At any rate, there's no word on the android at present. We shall have to pursue other channels."
"Well, pursue away," said Phule. I'm going to go see how Sushi's coming along with his search for the man who robbed that Japanese restaurant. Give me a buzz if there's any useful news."
"Immediately, sir," said Beeker. He turned back to the Port-a-Brain and began his search.
Journal #520
Crises never choose a convenient time to
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