sat a hundred times, with Billy and Louis across from me, just like they are now.
My heart is pounding in my chest and my leg is mimicking the pounding as my foot hammers against the floor. And then I feel Jessa’s hand wrap around my thigh. My head snaps in her direction. “Hey,” she whispers. “I’s okay. She’s not going to find out you’re here.”
I take a deep breath and wrap my arm around her. My leg slowly stops moving. “It’s just surreal, being back here. I don’t know that I even give a shit if word gets back to Rachel.”
Jessa leans her cheek on my chest. She really doesn’t have a choice- my arm is wrapped around her so tightly. I can smell her hair and I tuck my hand around a piece of it. “What are you so worried about then? I can hear you heart beating, Pax. Why is it beating so hard?”
I close my eyes and inhale her scent. “It’s just hard being back here, in this bar. It’s where everything started and where everything ended.”
“I’m sorry, babe,” she says quietly, settling into my side. Sh e removes her hand from my thigh now that my leg is no longer shaking and wraps it around my stomach. “We should have just stayed home tonight,” she tells me and it sounds so good. I like it. We should have just stayed home tonight . But I know that I shouldn’t like it. Coming back here just brings back all the shit I hate about life. About myself. And it also makes it so bloody clear that I want Jessa. That I want more from her than just a quick fuck. This town. I swear. I’m always so weak and vulnerable here. Like my heart is just out in the open, totally exposed.
“I probably won’t be doing this again.”
“I don’t get it, Pax. Everyone I meet here seems to know and respect and care about you, but you act like everything here is so awful … like the city itself is poison.”
“The city is poison. If it weren’t for the good people here I wouldn’t have made it out of it.”
Jessa lays silently on my chest . The rest of the crew has made their way onto the dance floor. Vi and the boys are jumping around in the space in front of the stage that suggests a dance floor. I look at the band and remember being on that stage. It’s a new band, one I don’t know. They look young and happy. I remember that. I remember how good it felt to be up on that stage feeding off the energy, releasing everything that was inside of me. I throw back my drink and I can feel the alcohol swim through my veins and the heat from Jessa warming my body, the good memories of this place coming back to me, and it almost feels okay.
“Let’s dance, Pax,” Jessa says quietly.
I pull my hand out from under her hair and set my drink down. “Yeah. Okay.”
I hold onto Jessa as we make our way into the heat of the compact crowd. People are jumping and thrashing to the punk vibe. When we settle in the back corner of the crowd, Jessa clings tight to my shoulders and looks at me with sorrow in her eyes. Or is it pity? Probably just friendly concern for her poor friend Paxton. Fuck that .
I grab tight to her waist an d pick her up off the ground. Her hands wrap around my shoulders as she lets out a screech. I grab a hold of her calf and wrap her leg around my hip; she wraps her other leg around me all on her own. Immediately that sensation that I’ve been waiting for a girl to send through my body is there. My eyes are staring at hers with intent. But her eyes are staring at my mouth and her fingers are fisting my sweatshirt. Fuck it , I think to myself, moving one hand from the back of her thighs and around the base of her neck and digging my fingers into her flesh. Her stare flashes from my lips and her own lips pop open like this thing between us is news to her. Like me going in for her is surprising.
Then some motherfucker crashes into her back and s he’s pushed into me and I loose contact with her. She holds onto me and buries her face into my neck. I take a hand off Jessa to grab a hold of
My heart is pounding in my chest and my leg is mimicking the pounding as my foot hammers against the floor. And then I feel Jessa’s hand wrap around my thigh. My head snaps in her direction. “Hey,” she whispers. “I’s okay. She’s not going to find out you’re here.”
I take a deep breath and wrap my arm around her. My leg slowly stops moving. “It’s just surreal, being back here. I don’t know that I even give a shit if word gets back to Rachel.”
Jessa leans her cheek on my chest. She really doesn’t have a choice- my arm is wrapped around her so tightly. I can smell her hair and I tuck my hand around a piece of it. “What are you so worried about then? I can hear you heart beating, Pax. Why is it beating so hard?”
I close my eyes and inhale her scent. “It’s just hard being back here, in this bar. It’s where everything started and where everything ended.”
“I’m sorry, babe,” she says quietly, settling into my side. Sh e removes her hand from my thigh now that my leg is no longer shaking and wraps it around my stomach. “We should have just stayed home tonight,” she tells me and it sounds so good. I like it. We should have just stayed home tonight . But I know that I shouldn’t like it. Coming back here just brings back all the shit I hate about life. About myself. And it also makes it so bloody clear that I want Jessa. That I want more from her than just a quick fuck. This town. I swear. I’m always so weak and vulnerable here. Like my heart is just out in the open, totally exposed.
“I probably won’t be doing this again.”
“I don’t get it, Pax. Everyone I meet here seems to know and respect and care about you, but you act like everything here is so awful … like the city itself is poison.”
“The city is poison. If it weren’t for the good people here I wouldn’t have made it out of it.”
Jessa lays silently on my chest . The rest of the crew has made their way onto the dance floor. Vi and the boys are jumping around in the space in front of the stage that suggests a dance floor. I look at the band and remember being on that stage. It’s a new band, one I don’t know. They look young and happy. I remember that. I remember how good it felt to be up on that stage feeding off the energy, releasing everything that was inside of me. I throw back my drink and I can feel the alcohol swim through my veins and the heat from Jessa warming my body, the good memories of this place coming back to me, and it almost feels okay.
“Let’s dance, Pax,” Jessa says quietly.
I pull my hand out from under her hair and set my drink down. “Yeah. Okay.”
I hold onto Jessa as we make our way into the heat of the compact crowd. People are jumping and thrashing to the punk vibe. When we settle in the back corner of the crowd, Jessa clings tight to my shoulders and looks at me with sorrow in her eyes. Or is it pity? Probably just friendly concern for her poor friend Paxton. Fuck that .
I grab tight to her waist an d pick her up off the ground. Her hands wrap around my shoulders as she lets out a screech. I grab a hold of her calf and wrap her leg around my hip; she wraps her other leg around me all on her own. Immediately that sensation that I’ve been waiting for a girl to send through my body is there. My eyes are staring at hers with intent. But her eyes are staring at my mouth and her fingers are fisting my sweatshirt. Fuck it , I think to myself, moving one hand from the back of her thighs and around the base of her neck and digging my fingers into her flesh. Her stare flashes from my lips and her own lips pop open like this thing between us is news to her. Like me going in for her is surprising.
Then some motherfucker crashes into her back and s he’s pushed into me and I loose contact with her. She holds onto me and buries her face into my neck. I take a hand off Jessa to grab a hold of
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