Salmond was asked to contribute to the book Why Am I Laughing? , a collection of jokes to raise money for a Scottish dementia charity. Says Alex: “What do you call a man who is nearly home?
“Hamish.” Well it made us laugh.
READERS who occasionally have to make speeches in public will feel sympathy for Bailie Phil Greene of Glasgow City Council who revealed, at the opening reception of the Glasgow International Comedy Festival, that his wife was not with him. He explained: “She said to me, ‘You’ll tell a joke, it will fall flat, and I’ll be embarrassed. So I’m not going.”’
But actually Phil did make us laugh in an ironic way. He apologised for being late as the Lord Provost’s limo was sent to collect him – and it got a flat tyre thumping into one of the potholes on the road that the council is supposed to maintain.
A SCOT serving in southern Afghanistan tells us about a Nato official who was keen to hear from ordinary Afghans how their lives had improved since the Taliban had been pushed out.
He asked a carpenter in the bazaar if business was good and was surprised when the chap said no.
“Oh,” replied the Nato official, “I thought it would have been great. We’ve been knocking down lots of doors recently.”
THE ARAB SPRING, and after the Egyptian Army issued a statement saying they would not resort to the use of force, an old army type tells us: “So the same tactics they used in the Six-Day War against Israel?”
AND OF course we are inundated with the West of Scotland text message which states: “The Egyptian Government wants the protesters to chill out by getting in their cars and sounding their horns.
“They’re calling it the Toot ‘n’ Kalm Doon.”
THE INTERNATIONAL war on terror, and a Newton Mearns reader reports: “On Sunday while having lunch with my family, I noticed that my granddaughter was very quiet. After a bit I asked what was wrong with her. She replied that she was upset because someone had shot Aladdin.”
MANY Irish were celebrating St Paddy’s Day in Glasgow while putting Ireland’s economic woes out of their minds. Apart from one student type who wore a T-shirt with a sad leprechaun on it. Below it read: “Ireland. Turns out the pot of gold was empty.”
DENIS MacCANN, outgoing manager of Glasgow’s Holiday Inn, told guests at the Holiday Inn’s St Patrick’s Day breakfast that Ireland was the first country to set up a “global social network”.
“Or, as other countries call it,” said Denis, “emigration.”
A KEEN observer of European politics, watching the Eurovision Song Contest, explains how the votes were cast: “So it’s eight points to the country to the left of you, ten points to the country to the right of you, and twelve points to the country that bailed you out.”
And another opined: “So the rest of Europe likes us enough to sing in our language, but not enough to vote for us?”
NATURALLY Osama bin Laden’s death has been the talk of the steamie.
As one chap in the pub opined: “I don’t blame him for having phone numbers secretly sewn into his clothes. My wife found a phone number in my pocket once and there was all hell to pay.”
SO ARE Diary readers feeling sorry for the Lib Dems after their shocking Scottish elections result? Em, not really. A political activist swears that on the notice board at the Scottish Parliament is a card reading: “For sale, sixteen-seater minibus, surplus to requirements. Would swap for nice five-seater car.
“Phone Tavish on …”
AND ANOTHER claims he went up to a Lib Dem and, putting his arm around his shoulder, told him: “Sorry you can’t play in the rugby sevens this year. Will we put you down for the football five-asides instead?”
FEARS that outgoing Scottish Labour leader Iain Gray has been emasculated by his decision to give up the leadership appears to have been confirmed. The parliamentary aide to Fife Labour MSP Helen Eadie has emailed Labour Party
“Hamish.” Well it made us laugh.
READERS who occasionally have to make speeches in public will feel sympathy for Bailie Phil Greene of Glasgow City Council who revealed, at the opening reception of the Glasgow International Comedy Festival, that his wife was not with him. He explained: “She said to me, ‘You’ll tell a joke, it will fall flat, and I’ll be embarrassed. So I’m not going.”’
But actually Phil did make us laugh in an ironic way. He apologised for being late as the Lord Provost’s limo was sent to collect him – and it got a flat tyre thumping into one of the potholes on the road that the council is supposed to maintain.
A SCOT serving in southern Afghanistan tells us about a Nato official who was keen to hear from ordinary Afghans how their lives had improved since the Taliban had been pushed out.
He asked a carpenter in the bazaar if business was good and was surprised when the chap said no.
“Oh,” replied the Nato official, “I thought it would have been great. We’ve been knocking down lots of doors recently.”
THE ARAB SPRING, and after the Egyptian Army issued a statement saying they would not resort to the use of force, an old army type tells us: “So the same tactics they used in the Six-Day War against Israel?”
AND OF course we are inundated with the West of Scotland text message which states: “The Egyptian Government wants the protesters to chill out by getting in their cars and sounding their horns.
“They’re calling it the Toot ‘n’ Kalm Doon.”
THE INTERNATIONAL war on terror, and a Newton Mearns reader reports: “On Sunday while having lunch with my family, I noticed that my granddaughter was very quiet. After a bit I asked what was wrong with her. She replied that she was upset because someone had shot Aladdin.”
MANY Irish were celebrating St Paddy’s Day in Glasgow while putting Ireland’s economic woes out of their minds. Apart from one student type who wore a T-shirt with a sad leprechaun on it. Below it read: “Ireland. Turns out the pot of gold was empty.”
DENIS MacCANN, outgoing manager of Glasgow’s Holiday Inn, told guests at the Holiday Inn’s St Patrick’s Day breakfast that Ireland was the first country to set up a “global social network”.
“Or, as other countries call it,” said Denis, “emigration.”
A KEEN observer of European politics, watching the Eurovision Song Contest, explains how the votes were cast: “So it’s eight points to the country to the left of you, ten points to the country to the right of you, and twelve points to the country that bailed you out.”
And another opined: “So the rest of Europe likes us enough to sing in our language, but not enough to vote for us?”
NATURALLY Osama bin Laden’s death has been the talk of the steamie.
As one chap in the pub opined: “I don’t blame him for having phone numbers secretly sewn into his clothes. My wife found a phone number in my pocket once and there was all hell to pay.”
SO ARE Diary readers feeling sorry for the Lib Dems after their shocking Scottish elections result? Em, not really. A political activist swears that on the notice board at the Scottish Parliament is a card reading: “For sale, sixteen-seater minibus, surplus to requirements. Would swap for nice five-seater car.
“Phone Tavish on …”
AND ANOTHER claims he went up to a Lib Dem and, putting his arm around his shoulder, told him: “Sorry you can’t play in the rugby sevens this year. Will we put you down for the football five-asides instead?”
FEARS that outgoing Scottish Labour leader Iain Gray has been emasculated by his decision to give up the leadership appears to have been confirmed. The parliamentary aide to Fife Labour MSP Helen Eadie has emailed Labour Party
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