company. You can’t go off and do your own thing and be happy. You had better feel guilty, and you had better be prepared to be labeled as the weirdo that you are. Everyone
loves Christmas, and that’s an order. It’s the same way with marriage. This is how it’s done, and it doesn’t matter that not many people are happy, or that the human body and mind aren’t suited to monogamous marriage. That’s the way it is, and that’s the way it shall be. And anyone who dares to go off and do their own thing will be shot. Better right than happy.”
“Do you really believe that? Really?” “I do.”
I wasn’t surprised. Over the previous ten years, my father had begun to combine his education in the Jewish tradition with Buddhist teachings. He now believes in living life awake, not living it for others.
“So, you don’t believe in monogamous marriage?” I asked. “People aren’t built for it, and we never lived that way
until very recent history. People love to pound the Bible when they want to defend their righteous ways, but they should have another look at it. People have long lived in communities and groups. Men had lovers or concubines or multiple wives. Kings and queens kept their own apartments. Women of status had lovers, and sometimes even servants, to service them. What do you imagine that was about? Marriage was about money and property, and not about love.” He went on to explain that he believed we act outwardly like we cleave to the current model because it’s what’s been done for as long as people can remember. However, we don’t actually live that way, obviously. People
have mistresses and lovers and simply choose to lie about their behavior, rather than face their own hypocrisy.
“And to change it all?” I asked.
“It’ll take a revolution,” my father said, “because change doesn’t come easy, and people don’t like it.”
So, despite the misery in many marriages, the fact that the marriage exists (and will, theoretically, continue to exist—even if only in all its miserable glory) can apparently be comforting. And even people in the most stifling and static marriages often convince themselves that the relationship is working, and that they have no good reason to rock the boat. Iris Krasnow, in her horrifyingly antifeminist book Surrendering to Marriage, actually suggests that women keep paddling away because “perhaps being happy in marriage is not what we should be seeking after all.” 6 What should we expect instead? According to Krasnow, marriage requires women to surrender themselves to their husbands, and to “tortuous work and predictable routine.” 7 And yet women are expected to accept this setup—not because it’s logical, but instead because it’s prevalent. Krasnow’s argument may be insane, but her viewpoint on marriage is not uncommon. Women want to feel validated in their unhappiness so they can ignore their own circumstances and go along with the status quo. And Krasnow gives them just that incentive.
I’ve thought many times since that day about what my father and I talked about. That conversation was what helped me—though it took some time—to finally feel
confident that I was neither crazy nor an anomaly. I was terribly and unsurprisingly normal. But I still decided to give my marriage the old college try. Even with the support and guidance of someone like my father, I am still a product of the society I was born into, whether I like it or not. And I did know people who were happily married, or so both partners claimed. Surely it was possible. Why else would so many people keep attempting such relationships? And what about all of the romantic books and movies out there? There had to be some truth to them, right?
From cradle to grave, we are conditioned to believe that marriage is the be-all and end-all of this thing called life—that it is a sign of our success or failure. And so, when you’re in a functioning marriage, it’s pretty tough
loves Christmas, and that’s an order. It’s the same way with marriage. This is how it’s done, and it doesn’t matter that not many people are happy, or that the human body and mind aren’t suited to monogamous marriage. That’s the way it is, and that’s the way it shall be. And anyone who dares to go off and do their own thing will be shot. Better right than happy.”
“Do you really believe that? Really?” “I do.”
I wasn’t surprised. Over the previous ten years, my father had begun to combine his education in the Jewish tradition with Buddhist teachings. He now believes in living life awake, not living it for others.
“So, you don’t believe in monogamous marriage?” I asked. “People aren’t built for it, and we never lived that way
until very recent history. People love to pound the Bible when they want to defend their righteous ways, but they should have another look at it. People have long lived in communities and groups. Men had lovers or concubines or multiple wives. Kings and queens kept their own apartments. Women of status had lovers, and sometimes even servants, to service them. What do you imagine that was about? Marriage was about money and property, and not about love.” He went on to explain that he believed we act outwardly like we cleave to the current model because it’s what’s been done for as long as people can remember. However, we don’t actually live that way, obviously. People
have mistresses and lovers and simply choose to lie about their behavior, rather than face their own hypocrisy.
“And to change it all?” I asked.
“It’ll take a revolution,” my father said, “because change doesn’t come easy, and people don’t like it.”
So, despite the misery in many marriages, the fact that the marriage exists (and will, theoretically, continue to exist—even if only in all its miserable glory) can apparently be comforting. And even people in the most stifling and static marriages often convince themselves that the relationship is working, and that they have no good reason to rock the boat. Iris Krasnow, in her horrifyingly antifeminist book Surrendering to Marriage, actually suggests that women keep paddling away because “perhaps being happy in marriage is not what we should be seeking after all.” 6 What should we expect instead? According to Krasnow, marriage requires women to surrender themselves to their husbands, and to “tortuous work and predictable routine.” 7 And yet women are expected to accept this setup—not because it’s logical, but instead because it’s prevalent. Krasnow’s argument may be insane, but her viewpoint on marriage is not uncommon. Women want to feel validated in their unhappiness so they can ignore their own circumstances and go along with the status quo. And Krasnow gives them just that incentive.
I’ve thought many times since that day about what my father and I talked about. That conversation was what helped me—though it took some time—to finally feel
confident that I was neither crazy nor an anomaly. I was terribly and unsurprisingly normal. But I still decided to give my marriage the old college try. Even with the support and guidance of someone like my father, I am still a product of the society I was born into, whether I like it or not. And I did know people who were happily married, or so both partners claimed. Surely it was possible. Why else would so many people keep attempting such relationships? And what about all of the romantic books and movies out there? There had to be some truth to them, right?
From cradle to grave, we are conditioned to believe that marriage is the be-all and end-all of this thing called life—that it is a sign of our success or failure. And so, when you’re in a functioning marriage, it’s pretty tough
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