to the stab of clarity through his head. He felt like he’d seen his life from the outside for just long enough that he couldn’t deny what he was doing anymore. Driving himself crazy for fear of being crazy. Losing himself because he’d felt lost for so long.
The one good choice he’d made, it seemed, was Nick. But it hadn’t been a good choice for Nick. Holly had to do what was best for both of them. He took a breath and opened his eyes.
The sunlight angled against the white wall said it was already afternoon. Holly inhaled again; it was hard to breathe, like there was a weight on him. Panic welled, but then his hand touched another, warm and limp. Someone’s arm was thrown over his side. Oh fuck, what had he done? Last thing he remembered, Nick had told him to sleep…
“Go back to sleep.”
Nick. Holly was in so much pain, he couldn’t have done anything stupid with Nick. Nick wouldn’t have done anything stupid with him. That was good. Holly’s breath was still coming shallow and fast, though.
“I thought I fucked up again,” he mumbled. It felt like his whole face had gone bony and resistant overnight.
“No.” Nick pulled his arm back, and the bed shifted as he rolled away. The soft pat-pat sound was Nick’s bare feet hitting the floor, and with another shift, Nick was gone. “You slept.” There was the familiar noise of pills rattling, water running, and then Nick was back. “Can you sit up? It’s time for your next dose.”
Now Holly was really sorry he’d woken up. If he’d remembered it was Nick, he’d have lain there and enjoyed it longer, feeling safe.
“I’ll try.” Trying was less successful than he’d anticipated. Holly couldn’t help his whimper or the tears that came to his eyes. But he managed to get up enough that when he fell back, his head hitting the wall with a dull thud, he was partly upright. “Okay, done.”
Nick sat beside him and, like before, pressed the pill against his lips and then offered him a sip of water to wash it down.
“You should lie back down. Let it work before you try to get up.” Nick didn’t seem inclined to stay there with him, though. He crossed the room to put the glass back in the kitchen, then headed for the love seat.
“Nick, I am so sorry.” He almost regretted he was going to be in less pain in a few minutes. Hurting was fair punishment. So was leaving so Nick could get his life back. “I can go. As soon as I can get my dad to send me some money. I’ll pay you back too. I never meant for this to happen…I mean, not the part that involves you.” Driving himself into the ground, yes, he’d meant that to happen. Not anymore, though. It was time to stop hurting himself. “I’ll be okay. I promise.”
Nick rounded on him, stalked back over to the bed. His face was stony, but his eyes were hot.
“You aren’t going anywhere, damn it. You aren’t setting one fucking toe out of this place without permission, not anymore. And you’re going to wear a fucking GPS tracker from now on, because I am never going to sit here again and wonder where the hell you are and which fucking hospital or morgue I should start with.”
“Okay.” Holly felt warmed through and then felt guilty about it, seeing how much he’d hurt Nick. “You’re right. Anything you want.” Saying it brought a rush of giddy relief that was better than the drug that had yet to kick in.
“Good.” Something flickered over Nick’s face—relief? pleasure? satisfaction?—and he nodded. His voice was quieter, but no less firm when he added, “You’re going to text me before and after all contact with your mother too, so I know if there’s a problem.”
“Okay,” Holly said. That was going to be a little harder. He’d just have to do it. “I just…” He hated letting his relationship with his mother out into the world. He didn’t want that part of his life to come into contact with Nick. All the warmth left him in a rush, and his throat tightened.
The one good choice he’d made, it seemed, was Nick. But it hadn’t been a good choice for Nick. Holly had to do what was best for both of them. He took a breath and opened his eyes.
The sunlight angled against the white wall said it was already afternoon. Holly inhaled again; it was hard to breathe, like there was a weight on him. Panic welled, but then his hand touched another, warm and limp. Someone’s arm was thrown over his side. Oh fuck, what had he done? Last thing he remembered, Nick had told him to sleep…
“Go back to sleep.”
Nick. Holly was in so much pain, he couldn’t have done anything stupid with Nick. Nick wouldn’t have done anything stupid with him. That was good. Holly’s breath was still coming shallow and fast, though.
“I thought I fucked up again,” he mumbled. It felt like his whole face had gone bony and resistant overnight.
“No.” Nick pulled his arm back, and the bed shifted as he rolled away. The soft pat-pat sound was Nick’s bare feet hitting the floor, and with another shift, Nick was gone. “You slept.” There was the familiar noise of pills rattling, water running, and then Nick was back. “Can you sit up? It’s time for your next dose.”
Now Holly was really sorry he’d woken up. If he’d remembered it was Nick, he’d have lain there and enjoyed it longer, feeling safe.
“I’ll try.” Trying was less successful than he’d anticipated. Holly couldn’t help his whimper or the tears that came to his eyes. But he managed to get up enough that when he fell back, his head hitting the wall with a dull thud, he was partly upright. “Okay, done.”
Nick sat beside him and, like before, pressed the pill against his lips and then offered him a sip of water to wash it down.
“You should lie back down. Let it work before you try to get up.” Nick didn’t seem inclined to stay there with him, though. He crossed the room to put the glass back in the kitchen, then headed for the love seat.
“Nick, I am so sorry.” He almost regretted he was going to be in less pain in a few minutes. Hurting was fair punishment. So was leaving so Nick could get his life back. “I can go. As soon as I can get my dad to send me some money. I’ll pay you back too. I never meant for this to happen…I mean, not the part that involves you.” Driving himself into the ground, yes, he’d meant that to happen. Not anymore, though. It was time to stop hurting himself. “I’ll be okay. I promise.”
Nick rounded on him, stalked back over to the bed. His face was stony, but his eyes were hot.
“You aren’t going anywhere, damn it. You aren’t setting one fucking toe out of this place without permission, not anymore. And you’re going to wear a fucking GPS tracker from now on, because I am never going to sit here again and wonder where the hell you are and which fucking hospital or morgue I should start with.”
“Okay.” Holly felt warmed through and then felt guilty about it, seeing how much he’d hurt Nick. “You’re right. Anything you want.” Saying it brought a rush of giddy relief that was better than the drug that had yet to kick in.
“Good.” Something flickered over Nick’s face—relief? pleasure? satisfaction?—and he nodded. His voice was quieter, but no less firm when he added, “You’re going to text me before and after all contact with your mother too, so I know if there’s a problem.”
“Okay,” Holly said. That was going to be a little harder. He’d just have to do it. “I just…” He hated letting his relationship with his mother out into the world. He didn’t want that part of his life to come into contact with Nick. All the warmth left him in a rush, and his throat tightened.
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