on my shoulder instead of forcing my ideas and opinions on her.
As she won’t open the door or answer the phone, there was no choice but to do today’s proposal through the medium of cue cards, as in that famous scene from Love Actually with beautiful Keira Knightley and super sexy (or so Suzie tells me) Andrew Lincoln.
So with a bit of help from Ronan Keating, (a CD of ‘You Say it Best When You Say Nothing at All’ obviously, not the man himself, though that would have been awesome. Ronan Keating, if you’re reading this and would like to help out a fellow romantic, give me a call) and three large white placards, I stood outside her house and proposed.
Placard 1. I’m sorry.
Placard 2. You’re my best friend and I will stand by your side forever.
Placard 3. Marry me.
I’d like to say that she came out and ran straight into my arms, but of course that didn’t happen. She watched from her window and then she walked away.
*
Damn. Shit. Fuck. Bugger. Arse.
I couldn’t sleep. I was a selfish brat and to top it all my sulkiness had ruined another damned fine proposal.
Of course I wanted Jules to be happy. It was only the other day that I’d told her how good she looked, and how happy it made me to see her smiling again. Badger was responsible for that and how could I want to stop it? It might not last – it might be grief, pure and simple – but Harry was right, if she had found some comfort in the months after Jack’s death then that had to be a good thing.
I just wished it wasn’t sexual comfort.
I thought about the times that Harry had held me in bed, held me tight as I cried myself to sleep. There had been many a time, even in my grief, that I’d wanted the hugging to be something more. It wasn’t even entirely down to my inappropriate feelings for him that I’d wanted him to make love to me. I’d just wanted to feel my blood rushing through me, to feel his heat, his skin against mine, to feel alive, when my whole body seemed numb with grief. Could I really blame Jules for taking that extra step, the one I’d been too scared to take myself?
Because I needed Harry. After Jack’s death, Harry had been the air I needed to breathe and I’d been too scared to do anything that might cause me to lose him. I’d seen many women come and go before Jack died, I’d watch Harry get bored and cast them aside before moving onto the next. I couldn’t be that woman, who he slept with and wanted nothing more to do with after. I had only got through the last eight months because of Harry being doggedly by my side. The thought now of him not being there, of waking up in a different country and not seeing him every day, was unbearable.
And Jules had found the same comfort with Badger.
It might turn out to be something serious. Jules could end up with Badger for the rest of her life, get married to Badger, have more children with him. I shuddered at the thought. I loved Badger, he was a good bloke, but it didn’t sit right that she was moving on so soon after Jack’s death.
But then what was the alternative. I’d seen Jules in the months after Jack’s death. She’d lost so much weight, her skin was grey, the bags under her eyes indicating a complete lack of any sleep – and the grief and pain in her eyes was something I couldn’t bear to look at. It sliced through me every time she looked at me. I never wanted her to go back to that place.
Harry’s words rang in my ears. ‘You should grab happiness while you have the chance.’ And he was right. Some of us were lucky to find love once in our lives. Who was I to deny Jules the chance to find it twice?
I hated that Harry was right. And the annoying thing was, I’d known he was right even in the church.
There was only one way this was going to be resolved.
I threw back the duvet, shoved my feet into my trainers and ran down the stairs and across the green. It was deserted again. It always surprised me that, despite how centrally we lived, our
As she won’t open the door or answer the phone, there was no choice but to do today’s proposal through the medium of cue cards, as in that famous scene from Love Actually with beautiful Keira Knightley and super sexy (or so Suzie tells me) Andrew Lincoln.
So with a bit of help from Ronan Keating, (a CD of ‘You Say it Best When You Say Nothing at All’ obviously, not the man himself, though that would have been awesome. Ronan Keating, if you’re reading this and would like to help out a fellow romantic, give me a call) and three large white placards, I stood outside her house and proposed.
Placard 1. I’m sorry.
Placard 2. You’re my best friend and I will stand by your side forever.
Placard 3. Marry me.
I’d like to say that she came out and ran straight into my arms, but of course that didn’t happen. She watched from her window and then she walked away.
*
Damn. Shit. Fuck. Bugger. Arse.
I couldn’t sleep. I was a selfish brat and to top it all my sulkiness had ruined another damned fine proposal.
Of course I wanted Jules to be happy. It was only the other day that I’d told her how good she looked, and how happy it made me to see her smiling again. Badger was responsible for that and how could I want to stop it? It might not last – it might be grief, pure and simple – but Harry was right, if she had found some comfort in the months after Jack’s death then that had to be a good thing.
I just wished it wasn’t sexual comfort.
I thought about the times that Harry had held me in bed, held me tight as I cried myself to sleep. There had been many a time, even in my grief, that I’d wanted the hugging to be something more. It wasn’t even entirely down to my inappropriate feelings for him that I’d wanted him to make love to me. I’d just wanted to feel my blood rushing through me, to feel his heat, his skin against mine, to feel alive, when my whole body seemed numb with grief. Could I really blame Jules for taking that extra step, the one I’d been too scared to take myself?
Because I needed Harry. After Jack’s death, Harry had been the air I needed to breathe and I’d been too scared to do anything that might cause me to lose him. I’d seen many women come and go before Jack died, I’d watch Harry get bored and cast them aside before moving onto the next. I couldn’t be that woman, who he slept with and wanted nothing more to do with after. I had only got through the last eight months because of Harry being doggedly by my side. The thought now of him not being there, of waking up in a different country and not seeing him every day, was unbearable.
And Jules had found the same comfort with Badger.
It might turn out to be something serious. Jules could end up with Badger for the rest of her life, get married to Badger, have more children with him. I shuddered at the thought. I loved Badger, he was a good bloke, but it didn’t sit right that she was moving on so soon after Jack’s death.
But then what was the alternative. I’d seen Jules in the months after Jack’s death. She’d lost so much weight, her skin was grey, the bags under her eyes indicating a complete lack of any sleep – and the grief and pain in her eyes was something I couldn’t bear to look at. It sliced through me every time she looked at me. I never wanted her to go back to that place.
Harry’s words rang in my ears. ‘You should grab happiness while you have the chance.’ And he was right. Some of us were lucky to find love once in our lives. Who was I to deny Jules the chance to find it twice?
I hated that Harry was right. And the annoying thing was, I’d known he was right even in the church.
There was only one way this was going to be resolved.
I threw back the duvet, shoved my feet into my trainers and ran down the stairs and across the green. It was deserted again. It always surprised me that, despite how centrally we lived, our
Similar Books
