better buy him umbrella. He so big and high, he can hold the umbrella and all Southampton people could get under. Cos he so big. And high. Isn’t it? He he.’
Tia flicks the pages, looking for more inspiration.
‘ “Britney and bodyguard in sex scandal”. No surprising there. The old lady from
One Foot in the Mud
is sellin funerals. She smilin bout it, with a nice top on. Pink. Nice. Oh, Jedward twin boys done a next album for no one to buy. They keep doin all their talkin at the same time. Stop it Jedward, for tits sake, no one is thinkin clever about that. When will they finish? Soon I hope. “Are you Preppy or Boho?” Oh, not sure. Mostly both, I think, Mrs Shit. Charlie Sheen, no thanks. Tom Cruise and his wife Katie Price, no thanks. “Ask the doc”, oo yes, a good bit. Let see, a lady have spots where pants go tight: Wear the bigger pants please! A man have no hair: Get the but-plugs put on like Dwayne Rooney, he got the hair all over now really good. See, I can be the doctor easy, better than her! You ask me the problem, I try the answer back at you … Yes, start now …’
Silence.
Tia waits.
Silvia doesn’t move or speak.
‘Oh. I geddit. You is a lady with no speakin. OK. Well, first I am tellin you that I say you did a fall on your head and now you havin a sleep so you don’t look at all the messy bad life you got, where you shoutin at Mrs Cat allatime and cryin about wrong things you done. She shoutin, you shoutin, nobody talkin quiet or listen nice. Everyone sad and angry.
‘And why not? Cos you should, cause you have pretty daughter and you never see little babygrand. Lovely little girl. Look like you. Bossy like you. Big noisy like you. Willow, yes, she cute as a dicktip. And the mother is a good girl, keep her clean and do cookin, all what the babygrand need. But she sad and angry too, wishin allatime for the magic mother. But none comes. So she pretend she hate the mother so it feels not too much bad. But she don’t hate her mother. She need her. Why you not go for her? Whassafatcock up with you? What so big in Mrs Shit new life so you can’t be her mummy? You missin alla good stuff with the babygrand.
‘I see her last week, go there to help Miss Cassie. I sit on Willow for some hours so Miss Cassie get to go to shoppin and yoga, and to meet her friends for cappychin coffee. That job not for Tia. That job for Mrs Shit. This is true though, sometime I glad you freezin shut off lady, or maybe Tia wouldn’t be the babysit. And Willow love Tia, always putting arms out andlaugh loud with smiling. Willow like mini angel from God. Four-year-old angel. Only laughin and smilin allatime.
‘If you see her now she would make you wake up for sure. She should come in here, but Mrs Shit too shut off lemon lips to talk to Miss Cassie, so the little babygrand not welcome. How?! How can a four year old not welcome? Ever? You crazyhead. And that finish your “Ask the doc” bit. Now Mrs Shit know her problem, she can fix. Up to you. So, what else?’
Tia flicks the pages, wetting her finger and thumb.
‘ “My daughter is also my sister-in-law”. No thanks. “I married my stalker”. No thanks. Ah, here is good one, “Madonna’s got a megabucks cellulite buster” …’
Sixteen
Ed
Sunday 6pm
‘Kidneys, heart, liver, small bowel, eyes, lungs, pancreas, tissue. What’s tissue? What exactly is tissue? Ti-sh – oo –’
Ed says it slowly to try and unlock a non-existent medical encyclopedia in his head. He holds a clipboard with a questionnaire on it, and he is reading a small pamphlet that’s been left with him by the donor team. They took him quietly into an ominous side room and explained that, although there were no concrete signs that Silvia might not survive, they like to broach the sensitive subject of donations with everyone in the intensive care unit at some point. This is Silvia’s some point, and Ed is the most appropriate and closest kin, apart from Jo, who is staunchly
Tia flicks the pages, looking for more inspiration.
‘ “Britney and bodyguard in sex scandal”. No surprising there. The old lady from
One Foot in the Mud
is sellin funerals. She smilin bout it, with a nice top on. Pink. Nice. Oh, Jedward twin boys done a next album for no one to buy. They keep doin all their talkin at the same time. Stop it Jedward, for tits sake, no one is thinkin clever about that. When will they finish? Soon I hope. “Are you Preppy or Boho?” Oh, not sure. Mostly both, I think, Mrs Shit. Charlie Sheen, no thanks. Tom Cruise and his wife Katie Price, no thanks. “Ask the doc”, oo yes, a good bit. Let see, a lady have spots where pants go tight: Wear the bigger pants please! A man have no hair: Get the but-plugs put on like Dwayne Rooney, he got the hair all over now really good. See, I can be the doctor easy, better than her! You ask me the problem, I try the answer back at you … Yes, start now …’
Silence.
Tia waits.
Silvia doesn’t move or speak.
‘Oh. I geddit. You is a lady with no speakin. OK. Well, first I am tellin you that I say you did a fall on your head and now you havin a sleep so you don’t look at all the messy bad life you got, where you shoutin at Mrs Cat allatime and cryin about wrong things you done. She shoutin, you shoutin, nobody talkin quiet or listen nice. Everyone sad and angry.
‘And why not? Cos you should, cause you have pretty daughter and you never see little babygrand. Lovely little girl. Look like you. Bossy like you. Big noisy like you. Willow, yes, she cute as a dicktip. And the mother is a good girl, keep her clean and do cookin, all what the babygrand need. But she sad and angry too, wishin allatime for the magic mother. But none comes. So she pretend she hate the mother so it feels not too much bad. But she don’t hate her mother. She need her. Why you not go for her? Whassafatcock up with you? What so big in Mrs Shit new life so you can’t be her mummy? You missin alla good stuff with the babygrand.
‘I see her last week, go there to help Miss Cassie. I sit on Willow for some hours so Miss Cassie get to go to shoppin and yoga, and to meet her friends for cappychin coffee. That job not for Tia. That job for Mrs Shit. This is true though, sometime I glad you freezin shut off lady, or maybe Tia wouldn’t be the babysit. And Willow love Tia, always putting arms out andlaugh loud with smiling. Willow like mini angel from God. Four-year-old angel. Only laughin and smilin allatime.
‘If you see her now she would make you wake up for sure. She should come in here, but Mrs Shit too shut off lemon lips to talk to Miss Cassie, so the little babygrand not welcome. How?! How can a four year old not welcome? Ever? You crazyhead. And that finish your “Ask the doc” bit. Now Mrs Shit know her problem, she can fix. Up to you. So, what else?’
Tia flicks the pages, wetting her finger and thumb.
‘ “My daughter is also my sister-in-law”. No thanks. “I married my stalker”. No thanks. Ah, here is good one, “Madonna’s got a megabucks cellulite buster” …’
Sixteen
Ed
Sunday 6pm
‘Kidneys, heart, liver, small bowel, eyes, lungs, pancreas, tissue. What’s tissue? What exactly is tissue? Ti-sh – oo –’
Ed says it slowly to try and unlock a non-existent medical encyclopedia in his head. He holds a clipboard with a questionnaire on it, and he is reading a small pamphlet that’s been left with him by the donor team. They took him quietly into an ominous side room and explained that, although there were no concrete signs that Silvia might not survive, they like to broach the sensitive subject of donations with everyone in the intensive care unit at some point. This is Silvia’s some point, and Ed is the most appropriate and closest kin, apart from Jo, who is staunchly
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