useful as a weapon not as a donor organ. Any recipient of her particular heart would therefore have to withstand its sharp assault from within. A genuine heart ‘attack’.
‘I’m saying no to heart. That’s it. Done. Hope you approve, but, y’know, can’t help it if you don’t.’
Ed gets a kick out of this glimmer of assertion. Then he immediately feels immense guilt. He is finally squaring up to a helpless woman on the edge of her life. It’s not exactly heroic. He jolts himself out of his discomfort.
‘The doctor says no change Silv. The lovely nurse, Winnie, says we should find hope in that. Your strength and resilience is keeping you steady at the moment, while your body is trying to recover. That’s good. You’re not giving in, you’re holding fast. That’s what I’ve told the kids. I think Cassie will come to see you. She is thinking about it. Y’know. Finds it hard all this.I don’t want to push her. She thinks you might not want her here, but I’ve said that’s nonsense. I hope that’s right, Silv. God, I hope that’s right. I wrote to Jamie, he knows what’s happening …’
Ed has indeed written to their son to explain what has happened to his mother. He has Jamie’s reply in his pocket, but he doesn’t want to read it to Silvia.
Dear Dad.
Thanks for your letter and for letting me know. Yeah, you’re right I could get compassionate leave. I’m not going to bother, the only time I will come to see mum is when she’s in a wooden box and even that would be to make sure she really is completely dead. Sorry Dad, but you know how I feel. No time to write real letter now, but will defo do it next week. Promise. Good news re David Bentley. Allardyce making right choices. Gives all us Hammers boys out here a bit of hope. By the way, I defo have enough dosh for my season ticket (nothing here to spend it on!) so can you get mine when you get yours? Let me know about any special offers etc, yeah?
Seeya.
Jamie
PS I am smoking again. Soz.
No, Ed didn’t think it was the right letter to read aloud to Silvia. What a shame it’s come to this. Neither of her kids want to be with her at this desperate time.
Ed allows a selfish thought to flash through his mind. He hopes and indeed knows that it wouldn’t be the same if it were him in that bed. He rests assured that his kids would be there for him. He hasn’t deserted them. He knows as well as he knows anything, that what you put in is what you get out, and he’s put a lot in these last few years. Two parents’ worth of concern.
He misses being a parent alongside her. However irascible she may have been, she was always clever and saw situations looming way before he did. She watched the children very closely. Literally stared at them, fascinated and amused by their growth and their every move. He remembers it all very clearly, but when he looks at her lying there, a stationary lump, he can’t believe it’s the same woman. Who has she become?
‘Funny really, thinking about when the kids were born, and praying to God to keep you all safe. Do you remember it all, Silv? I do. So clearly. Especially Jamie. The first one. We had no clue, did we?’
Ed finds himself touching Silvia’s arm. It doesn’t feel wrong while he’s remembering their shared intimacies. If she was conscious, he wouldn’t dare. Face it, if she was conscious, he wouldn’t be here, full stop.
‘You didn’t like your belly being so big and round, youthought it just looked fat. It didn’t. I told you again and again it didn’t. It looked … full. Actually, I couldn’t tell you this at the time, but sometimes I would catch you waddling down our path and I thought you looked like you’d had the most enormous lunch. Not fat. Not fat at all, but full, like I say. And because I couldn’t quite believe there was a living baby in there, couldn’t get my head around it, it was simpler to imagine you were full of all your favourite food. That perfectly, alarmingly round
‘I’m saying no to heart. That’s it. Done. Hope you approve, but, y’know, can’t help it if you don’t.’
Ed gets a kick out of this glimmer of assertion. Then he immediately feels immense guilt. He is finally squaring up to a helpless woman on the edge of her life. It’s not exactly heroic. He jolts himself out of his discomfort.
‘The doctor says no change Silv. The lovely nurse, Winnie, says we should find hope in that. Your strength and resilience is keeping you steady at the moment, while your body is trying to recover. That’s good. You’re not giving in, you’re holding fast. That’s what I’ve told the kids. I think Cassie will come to see you. She is thinking about it. Y’know. Finds it hard all this.I don’t want to push her. She thinks you might not want her here, but I’ve said that’s nonsense. I hope that’s right, Silv. God, I hope that’s right. I wrote to Jamie, he knows what’s happening …’
Ed has indeed written to their son to explain what has happened to his mother. He has Jamie’s reply in his pocket, but he doesn’t want to read it to Silvia.
Dear Dad.
Thanks for your letter and for letting me know. Yeah, you’re right I could get compassionate leave. I’m not going to bother, the only time I will come to see mum is when she’s in a wooden box and even that would be to make sure she really is completely dead. Sorry Dad, but you know how I feel. No time to write real letter now, but will defo do it next week. Promise. Good news re David Bentley. Allardyce making right choices. Gives all us Hammers boys out here a bit of hope. By the way, I defo have enough dosh for my season ticket (nothing here to spend it on!) so can you get mine when you get yours? Let me know about any special offers etc, yeah?
Seeya.
Jamie
PS I am smoking again. Soz.
No, Ed didn’t think it was the right letter to read aloud to Silvia. What a shame it’s come to this. Neither of her kids want to be with her at this desperate time.
Ed allows a selfish thought to flash through his mind. He hopes and indeed knows that it wouldn’t be the same if it were him in that bed. He rests assured that his kids would be there for him. He hasn’t deserted them. He knows as well as he knows anything, that what you put in is what you get out, and he’s put a lot in these last few years. Two parents’ worth of concern.
He misses being a parent alongside her. However irascible she may have been, she was always clever and saw situations looming way before he did. She watched the children very closely. Literally stared at them, fascinated and amused by their growth and their every move. He remembers it all very clearly, but when he looks at her lying there, a stationary lump, he can’t believe it’s the same woman. Who has she become?
‘Funny really, thinking about when the kids were born, and praying to God to keep you all safe. Do you remember it all, Silv? I do. So clearly. Especially Jamie. The first one. We had no clue, did we?’
Ed finds himself touching Silvia’s arm. It doesn’t feel wrong while he’s remembering their shared intimacies. If she was conscious, he wouldn’t dare. Face it, if she was conscious, he wouldn’t be here, full stop.
‘You didn’t like your belly being so big and round, youthought it just looked fat. It didn’t. I told you again and again it didn’t. It looked … full. Actually, I couldn’t tell you this at the time, but sometimes I would catch you waddling down our path and I thought you looked like you’d had the most enormous lunch. Not fat. Not fat at all, but full, like I say. And because I couldn’t quite believe there was a living baby in there, couldn’t get my head around it, it was simpler to imagine you were full of all your favourite food. That perfectly, alarmingly round
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