Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB by by Marshall B. Rosenberg

want to make sure you’re aware of the homework I’m missing from you. Will you drop by my office after school?” Peter mumbles, “Okay, I know” and then turns away, leaving the teacher uneasy as to whether her message had been accurately received. She asks for a reflection—“Could you tell me what you just heard me say?”—to which Peter replies, “You said I gotta miss soccer to stay after school because you didn’t like my homework.” Confirmed in her suspicion that Peter had not heard her intended message, the teacher tries to restate it, but first she is careful of her next remark.
    An assertion like “You didn’t hear me,” “That’s not what I said,” or “You’re misunderstanding me,” may easily lead Peter to think that he is being chastised. Since the teacher perceives Peter as having sincerely responded to her request for a reflection, she might say, “I’m grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I can see that I didn’t make myself as clear as I’d have liked, so let me try again.”
    Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.
    When we first begin asking others to reflect back what they hear us say, it may feel awkward and strange because such requests are rarely made. When I emphasize the importance of our ability to ask for reflections, people often express reservations. They are worried about reactions like, “What do you think I am—deaf?” or “Quit playing your psychological games.” To prevent such responses, we can explain to people ahead of time why we may sometimes ask them to reflect back our words. We make clear that we’re not testing their listening skills, but checking out whether we’ve expressed ourselves clearly. However, should the listener retort, “I heard what you said; I’m not stupid!”, we have the option to focus on their feelings and needs and ask—either aloud or silently, “Are you saying you’re feeling annoyed because you want respect for your ability to understand things?”
    Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.
     

Requesting Honesty
    After we’ve openly expressed ourselves and received the understanding we want, we’re often eager to know the other person’s reaction to what we’ve said. Usually the honesty we would like to receive takes one of three directions:
Sometimes we’d like to know the feelings that are stimulated by what we said, and the reasons for those feelings. We might request this by asking, “I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do.”
    After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know
(a) what the listener is feeling;
Sometimes we’d like to know something about our listener’s thoughts in response to what they just heard us say. At these times, it’s important to specify which thoughts we’d like them to share. For example, we might say, “I’d like you to tell me if you predict that my proposal would be successful, and if not, what you believe would prevent its success,” rather than simply saying, “I’d like you to tell me what you think about what I’ve said.” When we don’t specify which thoughts we would like to receive, the other person may respond at great length with thoughts that aren’t the ones we are seeking.
Sometimes we’d like to know whether the person is willing to take certain actions that we’ve recommended. Such a request may sound like this: “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting for one week.”
    (b) what the listener is thinking; or
    (c) whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action.
The use of NVC requires that we be conscious of the specific form of honesty we would like to receive, and to make that request for honesty in concrete language.
     

Making Requests Of A Group
    It is especially important when we are addressing a group to be clear about the kind of