Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, Second Edition @Team LiB by by Marshall B. Rosenberg Page B
Authors: by Marshall B. Rosenberg
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blamed or punished if they do not comply. When people hear us make a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished.
When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: submit or rebel.
The more we have in the past blamed, punished, or “laid guilt trips” on others when they haven’t responded to our requests, the higher the likelihood that our requests will now be heard as demands. We also pay for the use of such tactics by others. To the degree that people in our lives have been blamed, punished, or urged to feel guilty for not doing what others have requested, the more likely they are to carry this baggage to every subsequent relationship and hear a demand in any request.
How to tell if it’s a demand or a request: Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
Let’s look at two variations of a situation. Jack says to his friend Jane, “I’m lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me.” Is that a request or a demand? The answer is that we don’t know until we observe how Jack treats Jane if she doesn’t comply. Suppose she replies, “Jack, I’m really tired. If you’d like some company, how about finding someone else to be with you this evening?” If Jack then remarks, “How typical of you to be so selfish!” his request was in fact a demand. Instead of empathizing with her need to rest, he has blamed her.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
Consider a second scenario:
Jack: “I’m lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me.”
Jane: “Jack, I’m really tired. If you’d like some company, how about finding someone else to be with you tonight?”
Jack turns away wordlessly.
Jane, sensing he is upset: “Is something bothering you?”
Jack: “No.”
Jane: “Come on, Jack, I can sense something’s going on.
What’s the matter?”
Jack: “You know how lonely I’m feeling. If you really loved me, you’d spend the evening with me.”
Again, instead of empathizing, Jack now interprets Jane’s response to mean that she doesn’t love him and that she has rejected him. The more we interpret noncompliance as rejection,the more likely our requests will be heard as demands. This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us.
It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt-trip.
On the other hand, we would know that Jack’s request had been a genuine request, not a demand, if his response to Jane had expressed a respectful recognition of her feelings and needs, e.g. “So, Jane, you’re feeling worn out and needing some rest this evening?”
We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want the person to comply if he or she can do so willingly. Thus we might ask, “Would you be willing to set the table?” rather than “I would like you to set the table.” However, the most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don’t respond to the request. We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply. If we are prepared to show an empathic understanding of what prevents someone from doing as we asked, then by my definition, we have made a request, not a demand. Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says “no” to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying “yes.”
It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
Defining Our Objective When Making Requests
Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our
When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: submit or rebel.
The more we have in the past blamed, punished, or “laid guilt trips” on others when they haven’t responded to our requests, the higher the likelihood that our requests will now be heard as demands. We also pay for the use of such tactics by others. To the degree that people in our lives have been blamed, punished, or urged to feel guilty for not doing what others have requested, the more likely they are to carry this baggage to every subsequent relationship and hear a demand in any request.
How to tell if it’s a demand or a request: Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
Let’s look at two variations of a situation. Jack says to his friend Jane, “I’m lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me.” Is that a request or a demand? The answer is that we don’t know until we observe how Jack treats Jane if she doesn’t comply. Suppose she replies, “Jack, I’m really tired. If you’d like some company, how about finding someone else to be with you this evening?” If Jack then remarks, “How typical of you to be so selfish!” his request was in fact a demand. Instead of empathizing with her need to rest, he has blamed her.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
Consider a second scenario:
Jack: “I’m lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me.”
Jane: “Jack, I’m really tired. If you’d like some company, how about finding someone else to be with you tonight?”
Jack turns away wordlessly.
Jane, sensing he is upset: “Is something bothering you?”
Jack: “No.”
Jane: “Come on, Jack, I can sense something’s going on.
What’s the matter?”
Jack: “You know how lonely I’m feeling. If you really loved me, you’d spend the evening with me.”
Again, instead of empathizing, Jack now interprets Jane’s response to mean that she doesn’t love him and that she has rejected him. The more we interpret noncompliance as rejection,the more likely our requests will be heard as demands. This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us.
It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt-trip.
On the other hand, we would know that Jack’s request had been a genuine request, not a demand, if his response to Jane had expressed a respectful recognition of her feelings and needs, e.g. “So, Jane, you’re feeling worn out and needing some rest this evening?”
We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want the person to comply if he or she can do so willingly. Thus we might ask, “Would you be willing to set the table?” rather than “I would like you to set the table.” However, the most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don’t respond to the request. We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply. If we are prepared to show an empathic understanding of what prevents someone from doing as we asked, then by my definition, we have made a request, not a demand. Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says “no” to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying “yes.”
It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
Defining Our Objective When Making Requests
Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our
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