to anyone?”
“Of course. Whatever you say to me is in the strictest confidence, Sheri. Always.”
“Sometimes, I used to take guys to the parking lot. For a long time, the only way I could get turned on or have an orgasm was if I was doing… that , you know? But I never took money or anything for it. It was for me. ”
I nodded. I couldn’t sympathize, but I could empathize.
“I’d go weeks without doing it, but then something would trigger it inside me, and I’d go on a binge. Sometimes, two or three times a night for several days. I always told myself that I shouldn’t ever be in a committed relationship because I would need it, and no man deserved to be stuck with me and my pervy ways. So, random guys were my only option—until Jason walked in. I guess he thought I was better than the strippers were since all I did was serve drinks. He told me he wanted to see me again. But then, that night when Phil caught us in the van…”
I waited patiently as she searched for the words to continue.
“He was so pissed, Kenna. I could feel this pain radiating off him. And when he undid his fly and took it out, I felt like he understood something in me, too. Since Jason was like, ‘Yeah, do it,’ I just did it. After I blew him, Phil just popped a condom on and banged my friend Lisa—she was a stripper—while she was giving Tim a blow job. After, she told me she was happy Phil didn’t throw it all the way in because he was that huge.”
“What happened after that?” For some reason, as painful as hearing this was, I needed to know more. Curiosity had me pinned down and wouldn’t let me up until I knew her version of that night.
“Phil left the van, and I went after him because he seemed really upset. Jason told me he was practically a virgin and that he never thought Phil had it in him to do something like that. I told Jason he was an ass. I found Phil sitting in between the dumpsters, crying. Sobbing really. He told me about finding you, that he knew he had found the love of his life, and that you had disappeared after they had to go sign the revised paperwork for Rattlesnake. He said that he had never done something so fucked up in his life. He hated himself, and he told me that he felt like he had betrayed you in some way.”
Phil pretty much had told me the same thing.
“All I could do was hold him and tell him it would be okay. He made me swear never to speak of it to anyone. I swore to that, and until this very minute, I never did. But you already know what Jason said, and yeah, I guess from his point of view, it was like that. Phil was destroyed that night. I didn’t know him before, but from what I’ve gathered from the other guys, he changed after that.”
“Like how?”
“I guess he was a sweet guy, really considerate of others, easygoing—like how he is now . I guess he became a huge asshole. He could be very cruel, very mean, especially toward other girls. When he finished with them, they would know it, and it sometimes got ugly. Not physically. He never hit anyone until he mashed Jace’s face in—at least that I know of. But he could be pretty nasty with some of the groupies.”
“Oh.”
“Losing you that night brought out a darkness inside him. It was probably always there, but when you took your light with you, he had none left in himself. Does that make sense?”
“Sure.”
“I know that, after we got to Europe, he got involved in some hardcore shit. We met…some people,” she said carefully, looking as though she was trying to find a way to tell me but not tell me too much. “They were dark and dangerous, and that was how he was feeling. I’m not exactly sure what went on with him during that period, but I think he got into some bizarre, freaky shit. Jason and I tried some stuff out, and he and this other guy would tag along—”
“Other guy?”
“Yeah…has he told you any of this?”
I shook my head. “No. I guess you shouldn’t tell me then.”
“He’ll
“Of course. Whatever you say to me is in the strictest confidence, Sheri. Always.”
“Sometimes, I used to take guys to the parking lot. For a long time, the only way I could get turned on or have an orgasm was if I was doing… that , you know? But I never took money or anything for it. It was for me. ”
I nodded. I couldn’t sympathize, but I could empathize.
“I’d go weeks without doing it, but then something would trigger it inside me, and I’d go on a binge. Sometimes, two or three times a night for several days. I always told myself that I shouldn’t ever be in a committed relationship because I would need it, and no man deserved to be stuck with me and my pervy ways. So, random guys were my only option—until Jason walked in. I guess he thought I was better than the strippers were since all I did was serve drinks. He told me he wanted to see me again. But then, that night when Phil caught us in the van…”
I waited patiently as she searched for the words to continue.
“He was so pissed, Kenna. I could feel this pain radiating off him. And when he undid his fly and took it out, I felt like he understood something in me, too. Since Jason was like, ‘Yeah, do it,’ I just did it. After I blew him, Phil just popped a condom on and banged my friend Lisa—she was a stripper—while she was giving Tim a blow job. After, she told me she was happy Phil didn’t throw it all the way in because he was that huge.”
“What happened after that?” For some reason, as painful as hearing this was, I needed to know more. Curiosity had me pinned down and wouldn’t let me up until I knew her version of that night.
“Phil left the van, and I went after him because he seemed really upset. Jason told me he was practically a virgin and that he never thought Phil had it in him to do something like that. I told Jason he was an ass. I found Phil sitting in between the dumpsters, crying. Sobbing really. He told me about finding you, that he knew he had found the love of his life, and that you had disappeared after they had to go sign the revised paperwork for Rattlesnake. He said that he had never done something so fucked up in his life. He hated himself, and he told me that he felt like he had betrayed you in some way.”
Phil pretty much had told me the same thing.
“All I could do was hold him and tell him it would be okay. He made me swear never to speak of it to anyone. I swore to that, and until this very minute, I never did. But you already know what Jason said, and yeah, I guess from his point of view, it was like that. Phil was destroyed that night. I didn’t know him before, but from what I’ve gathered from the other guys, he changed after that.”
“Like how?”
“I guess he was a sweet guy, really considerate of others, easygoing—like how he is now . I guess he became a huge asshole. He could be very cruel, very mean, especially toward other girls. When he finished with them, they would know it, and it sometimes got ugly. Not physically. He never hit anyone until he mashed Jace’s face in—at least that I know of. But he could be pretty nasty with some of the groupies.”
“Oh.”
“Losing you that night brought out a darkness inside him. It was probably always there, but when you took your light with you, he had none left in himself. Does that make sense?”
“Sure.”
“I know that, after we got to Europe, he got involved in some hardcore shit. We met…some people,” she said carefully, looking as though she was trying to find a way to tell me but not tell me too much. “They were dark and dangerous, and that was how he was feeling. I’m not exactly sure what went on with him during that period, but I think he got into some bizarre, freaky shit. Jason and I tried some stuff out, and he and this other guy would tag along—”
“Other guy?”
“Yeah…has he told you any of this?”
I shook my head. “No. I guess you shouldn’t tell me then.”
“He’ll
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