My Heroes Have Always Been Hitmen (Humorous Romantic Shorts) (Greatest Hits Mysteries) by Leslie Langtry Page A
Authors: Leslie Langtry
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You should've announced yourself!" I pulled out of my defensive stance.
" What happened to you, Miss Abby?" he asked with a leer. "A bit of a tussle with some young man in the woods?"
My face flushed hotly. "How dare you imply such a thing! I was not compromised in any such manner!" What a bastard. How did Wini think she could marry such an oaf?
He raised his hands in a mock attempt to fend me off. "I meant no disrespect. I was just curious. After all, you are supposed to be helping my betrothed prepare for her nuptials."
I looked at him for a long moment and decided to dispense with the southern belle niceties.
"I'd personally rather she didn't marry a man like you. I don't really care for your sort."
Sperry 's face grew dark. He grabbed my wrist roughly. "I don't care what you think of me. You'd better not come between me and my bride."
I yanked my wrist from his grasp. Did you know that the thumb is the weakest of the fingers? If someone grabs your arm, pull in the direction of their thumb. You 'll get free every time. We are taught that as toddlers. Bombays start early.
" Winifred deserves far better than you," I said quietly. "She deserves a man who really loves her and wants her. You, I suspect, are more interested in her inheritance."
Sperry lunged at me , but I dodged out of the way. I wanted to bring my knee up and force his balls into his throat. But that would be very silly in a hoop skirt considering you couldn't see what the legs were doing at all under there. So instead, I punched him in the throat. Hard. I heard his trachea splinter.
Sperry stumbled backward, clutching his throat in surprise as he gasped for the air that would not come. He dropped to his knees, his body shaking as it struggled to get oxygen. Within seconds, the man fell dead at my feet.
That happened faster than I thought it would. I 'd thought it would take a while to lure my vic to someplace where we could be alone. That I'd have to plan some way to catch him unawares. That I'd have to work hard to kill him. None of this seemed to be the case. Sometimes, you just have to punch your vic in the throat. That's all it takes and often all you have time for.
I looked around the barn for some sort of place to dispose of the dead man, but found nothing. If only there 'd been a bottomless shaft or something. I trod back and forth on the boards, looking for a loose one to stash the body under. Nothing.
The wedding would be starting soon. If I didn 't get rid of the body of the groom, they'd find it with me standing over it looking like I'd just been mauled by a badger. I had to think quickly. And fast.
" Abby!" Auntie India burst into the barn and stopped when she spotted Sperry at my feet. She looked me up and down.
" What on earth have you done to your gown? I cannot be seen with you like this!"
" Really? That's what you're going to give me a hard time over? My dress?" I asked.
Auntie grinned for a moment. "Well, I was going to complain that you didn't wait for me. But that seemed a bit narcissistic."
" How did you find me?" I asked.
" Everyone said you were running around in the woods. They also chastised me for allowing you out of my sight, and a few said some unkind words about me being a lazy chaperone—which I thought was completely unnecessary. I thought about the layout of the plantation and guessed you were here. And I was right ."
I sighed. "Fine. You were right. Now help me get rid of Carter Livingstone Sperry."
It was sad, an hour later, seeing Wini in her wedding dress, weeping openly in front of everyone. It was sad that she thought Sperry had ditched her on her wedding day. It was sad that it took Auntie and me twenty minutes to find that old, unused well and dump Sperry's body into it. We threw in a dead pig on top for good measure. That way, when the smell hit, they'd most likely just bury the retired well. And it was sad that I'd ruined my dress from Paris manhandling a dead pig.
People were in such a
" What happened to you, Miss Abby?" he asked with a leer. "A bit of a tussle with some young man in the woods?"
My face flushed hotly. "How dare you imply such a thing! I was not compromised in any such manner!" What a bastard. How did Wini think she could marry such an oaf?
He raised his hands in a mock attempt to fend me off. "I meant no disrespect. I was just curious. After all, you are supposed to be helping my betrothed prepare for her nuptials."
I looked at him for a long moment and decided to dispense with the southern belle niceties.
"I'd personally rather she didn't marry a man like you. I don't really care for your sort."
Sperry 's face grew dark. He grabbed my wrist roughly. "I don't care what you think of me. You'd better not come between me and my bride."
I yanked my wrist from his grasp. Did you know that the thumb is the weakest of the fingers? If someone grabs your arm, pull in the direction of their thumb. You 'll get free every time. We are taught that as toddlers. Bombays start early.
" Winifred deserves far better than you," I said quietly. "She deserves a man who really loves her and wants her. You, I suspect, are more interested in her inheritance."
Sperry lunged at me , but I dodged out of the way. I wanted to bring my knee up and force his balls into his throat. But that would be very silly in a hoop skirt considering you couldn't see what the legs were doing at all under there. So instead, I punched him in the throat. Hard. I heard his trachea splinter.
Sperry stumbled backward, clutching his throat in surprise as he gasped for the air that would not come. He dropped to his knees, his body shaking as it struggled to get oxygen. Within seconds, the man fell dead at my feet.
That happened faster than I thought it would. I 'd thought it would take a while to lure my vic to someplace where we could be alone. That I'd have to plan some way to catch him unawares. That I'd have to work hard to kill him. None of this seemed to be the case. Sometimes, you just have to punch your vic in the throat. That's all it takes and often all you have time for.
I looked around the barn for some sort of place to dispose of the dead man, but found nothing. If only there 'd been a bottomless shaft or something. I trod back and forth on the boards, looking for a loose one to stash the body under. Nothing.
The wedding would be starting soon. If I didn 't get rid of the body of the groom, they'd find it with me standing over it looking like I'd just been mauled by a badger. I had to think quickly. And fast.
" Abby!" Auntie India burst into the barn and stopped when she spotted Sperry at my feet. She looked me up and down.
" What on earth have you done to your gown? I cannot be seen with you like this!"
" Really? That's what you're going to give me a hard time over? My dress?" I asked.
Auntie grinned for a moment. "Well, I was going to complain that you didn't wait for me. But that seemed a bit narcissistic."
" How did you find me?" I asked.
" Everyone said you were running around in the woods. They also chastised me for allowing you out of my sight, and a few said some unkind words about me being a lazy chaperone—which I thought was completely unnecessary. I thought about the layout of the plantation and guessed you were here. And I was right ."
I sighed. "Fine. You were right. Now help me get rid of Carter Livingstone Sperry."
It was sad, an hour later, seeing Wini in her wedding dress, weeping openly in front of everyone. It was sad that she thought Sperry had ditched her on her wedding day. It was sad that it took Auntie and me twenty minutes to find that old, unused well and dump Sperry's body into it. We threw in a dead pig on top for good measure. That way, when the smell hit, they'd most likely just bury the retired well. And it was sad that I'd ruined my dress from Paris manhandling a dead pig.
People were in such a
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