Much Ado About Nothing by Jenny Oldfield

Act One
We Are the Champions

    Â 
    Major hunk alert! This is your
Lite Entertainment
correspondent speaking to you from the baking tarmac of Messina airport as our cup-winning squad fly home to a heroes’ welcome.
Lite
has been given special access to film events on the days following the biggest international footballing triumph since Italy won the World Cup. My name is Claudia Ricci and I’m happy to be your guide.
    As you can see, a massive crowd of fans has gathered to greet the all-star team. Amongst them a gaggle of A-listers are here for this celeb-strewn celebration. I honestly can’t move for Gucci gowns and Laboutin heels.
    Here on my right I can pick out the club’s sponsor, international financier Leonato Ianucci, his daughter, Hero, and her girl-about-town cousin, Beatrice, all gagging to congratulate our winning team. And lucky me – I’m near enough to listen to the AC Messina lowdown from long-time team physio, Luigi Salvo, who flew in ahead of the boys.
    â€˜They’re coming into gate H5, right?’ Leonato wants to know.
    â€˜Yeah, that’s them taxiing towards us as we speak.’
    â€˜Terrific final. Great play. But did the game throw up any serious injuries?’ Leonato is already looking ahead, worrying about the next match.
    â€˜A couple of minor niggles, that’s all.’ Luigi is happy to put the money man’s mind to rest.
    â€˜And Claudio was Man of the Match?’
    The physio is craning to get a look at the plane, but he can’t get away, not from the man who pays his wages. ‘He deserved it. He was everywhere – up front to score, back in defence when it was needed. The kid was phenomenal!’
    â€˜His family will be over the moon,’ Leonato comments.
    I lean across with my microphone, recording every word.
    And now Beatrice butts in. To be fair, it’s been at
least
sixty seconds since the girl lastopened her mouth. ‘So is Benedick on the plane with the others?’ she asks Luigi.
    â€˜The last I heard he was.’
    â€˜I’m amazed!’ (She isn’t really – she’s just saying it for effect.) ‘That he reached the airport in time,’ she explains to Hero and her uncle. ‘What with all those girls he had to say goodbye to.’
    â€˜That’s a little harsh,’ Leonato warns. He’s just noticed me and my cameraman. ‘Benedick played brilliantly. He was up there with Claudio for Man of the Match.’
    â€˜Oh, Man of the Match. I’m sure that’s what the girls called him,’ Beatrice flashes back.
    Uncle Leo picks up on what she’s trying to imply. ‘I’m talking about his performance on the
field
, what are
you
talking about?’
    Beatrice can’t resist playing on the double meaning. ‘Yes, Uncle – Benedick’s “performance on the field”, what else?’
    Leonato doesn’t bat an eyelid. ‘I don’t know and I don’t
want
to know anything aboutBenedick’s private life, unless it gets into the papers and affects his game. All I do know is that you two will be at each others’ throats before he even has time to unpack his cupwinner’s medal.’
    Cue more smart remarks from Beatrice. ‘The latest score is four–nil, to me. Benedick may be a soccer hero, but off the pitch he doesn’t stand a cat in hell’s chance, and he knows it. Anyway, Luigi, who’s he hanging out with and corrupting these days?’
    Luigi looks for wriggle room. He glances at his watch, then out at the runway.
    â€˜Come on – give me a name,’ Beatrice insists.
    â€˜I guess that would be Claudio,’ Luigi mumbles apologetically.
    â€˜Oh, totally tragic! Poor Claudio!’ Beatrice goes OTT as usual. ‘Tell him to ditch Benedick at once. Claudio’s young and innocent – the paparazzi will grind him to a pulp!’
    Luigi is half swamped by a crowd of photographers