cannot have a snake for a pet.”
Scene: Kitchen table, where a large mound of cookies sits on a plate next to a pitcher of cold milk. Mother exudes love throughout monologue.
Mother: "Sweetheart, you know that Mommy and Daddy love you very much. We would certainly never say no to your having a snake. After all, we love animals as much as you do. We just want to talk about it first.
"Have a cookie.
"Our first concern, of course, is for the snake. You know how prejudice and ignorance haunt them wherever they go. Could you stand to walk into a crowded room with your little friend and watch it empty out in three seconds? Of course not. It would break your heart.
"And they're so small. What if someone stepped on one of them with a large rake or accidentally dropped a boulder on him? It wouldn't have a chance, now would it? Sometimes, snakes have been known to give Mommy a start. Remember the one in the back yard last year that was thirty-five feet long, had fangs that dripped human blood, was pregnant, and had the capacity to open doors with a passkey?
"You may remember it as smaller, but Mommy doesn't forget things like that. Have another cookie.
"He'd be difficult to paper-train, and the poor little thing couldn't bark when he wanted to be let out or walk on a leash at the shopping center. He couldn't even chase a ball and pant.
"Sweetheart, we want a snake just as much as you do, but what kind of people would we be to deprive him of a normal life, if you get my drift. Don't you think he'd want to date and have a family and do all those things you can't do in a hermetically sealed Mason jar?
"Have all the cookies you want, dear.
"I wish serpents had a better image. You know and I know that they are just as afraid of us as we are of them. I mean just because we never saw a snake spot a human being in the grass and hyperventilate and sink into a coma doesn't mean they don't have feelings.
"Then it's settled. You tell ____ (name of playmate) it's nice of him to think of you and to want to give you his snake, but a snake needs the stability of a family unit.
“I know. It may seem like we are a stable family unit, dear, but tell him if that snake comes into this house, your mother is running away from home and never coming back!”
2. “So you've decided to pierce your ears.”
Scene: Mother is seated at center stage, engaged in something domestic like reading the American Journal of Tooth Decay and making notes in the margins.
Daughter enters stage left.
Daughter: "What would you say if I told you I was
going to pierce my ears?"
Mother (putting book down and marking spot): "My feeling is that your body is your own and if a girl wants to punch holes in her earlobes with an ice pick, it's strictly her own business. After all, darling, we don't live in a Victorian age anymore. This is ____(current year). Every woman is a human being in her own right and it is her decision to make and if you are thinking of piercing your ears it will be over my dead body! I did not pump you full of vitamins and fix your feet to have some bungling butcher perform back-street surgery on my only daughter.
"I suppose ____ (name of daughter's best friend) is going to do it. I know she's your best friend and you'll hate me for saying this, but(name of daughter's best
friend) seems to have cast a spell over you. Don't misunderstand me. She's a nice girl, but I don't relish the idea of your going under the needle with a girl who plays with her gum and never washes her hands after she plays with the *")g. The next thing she'll have you tattooing butterflies on your shoulder blades.
"I wasn't going to tell you about ____ (name of person she doesn't know) but she pierced her ears and suffered a concussion. She'll never be right. Had her ears 'done' in the main aisle of ____ (leading department store), passed out, and hit her head on a footstool in Better Shoes.
“You do what you want with my blessing. Why not? I'll be dead soon
Scene: Kitchen table, where a large mound of cookies sits on a plate next to a pitcher of cold milk. Mother exudes love throughout monologue.
Mother: "Sweetheart, you know that Mommy and Daddy love you very much. We would certainly never say no to your having a snake. After all, we love animals as much as you do. We just want to talk about it first.
"Have a cookie.
"Our first concern, of course, is for the snake. You know how prejudice and ignorance haunt them wherever they go. Could you stand to walk into a crowded room with your little friend and watch it empty out in three seconds? Of course not. It would break your heart.
"And they're so small. What if someone stepped on one of them with a large rake or accidentally dropped a boulder on him? It wouldn't have a chance, now would it? Sometimes, snakes have been known to give Mommy a start. Remember the one in the back yard last year that was thirty-five feet long, had fangs that dripped human blood, was pregnant, and had the capacity to open doors with a passkey?
"You may remember it as smaller, but Mommy doesn't forget things like that. Have another cookie.
"He'd be difficult to paper-train, and the poor little thing couldn't bark when he wanted to be let out or walk on a leash at the shopping center. He couldn't even chase a ball and pant.
"Sweetheart, we want a snake just as much as you do, but what kind of people would we be to deprive him of a normal life, if you get my drift. Don't you think he'd want to date and have a family and do all those things you can't do in a hermetically sealed Mason jar?
"Have all the cookies you want, dear.
"I wish serpents had a better image. You know and I know that they are just as afraid of us as we are of them. I mean just because we never saw a snake spot a human being in the grass and hyperventilate and sink into a coma doesn't mean they don't have feelings.
"Then it's settled. You tell ____ (name of playmate) it's nice of him to think of you and to want to give you his snake, but a snake needs the stability of a family unit.
“I know. It may seem like we are a stable family unit, dear, but tell him if that snake comes into this house, your mother is running away from home and never coming back!”
2. “So you've decided to pierce your ears.”
Scene: Mother is seated at center stage, engaged in something domestic like reading the American Journal of Tooth Decay and making notes in the margins.
Daughter enters stage left.
Daughter: "What would you say if I told you I was
going to pierce my ears?"
Mother (putting book down and marking spot): "My feeling is that your body is your own and if a girl wants to punch holes in her earlobes with an ice pick, it's strictly her own business. After all, darling, we don't live in a Victorian age anymore. This is ____(current year). Every woman is a human being in her own right and it is her decision to make and if you are thinking of piercing your ears it will be over my dead body! I did not pump you full of vitamins and fix your feet to have some bungling butcher perform back-street surgery on my only daughter.
"I suppose ____ (name of daughter's best friend) is going to do it. I know she's your best friend and you'll hate me for saying this, but(name of daughter's best
friend) seems to have cast a spell over you. Don't misunderstand me. She's a nice girl, but I don't relish the idea of your going under the needle with a girl who plays with her gum and never washes her hands after she plays with the *")g. The next thing she'll have you tattooing butterflies on your shoulder blades.
"I wasn't going to tell you about ____ (name of person she doesn't know) but she pierced her ears and suffered a concussion. She'll never be right. Had her ears 'done' in the main aisle of ____ (leading department store), passed out, and hit her head on a footstool in Better Shoes.
“You do what you want with my blessing. Why not? I'll be dead soon
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