Most men can't make it through even five words of what I'm about to tell you by Nicole Carlson
Authors: Nicole Carlson
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the next few days, but otherwise the manhunt
was called off. Everything could go back to normal since Franky's severed head was pretty much confirmation he was no
longer a danger. I pictured Franky's corpse swelling to eruption with hundreds of baby mouth bugs and begged to differ.
The cowboy came up to the counter with a copy of Basic Instinct 2 and 2001: A Space Odyssey . How could he walk in those jeans? I could make out the exact hang of his penis in those things. Did they inflate when he farted?
I glanced up at the TV, saw a reporter standing in front of the turkey building as a tow truck hauled my Bronco out, front
end smashed and windshield clouded white with cracks. I still drove it home, though. Give credit to the people at Ford.
The cowboy gave me his membership card and I punched in the number. His account came up as:
NAME: James DuPree
OVERDUE: -
ACCT STATUS: A
COMMENTS: THIS MAN HAS WORN THE SAME TROUSERS SINCE HE WAS A TODDLER
Many memos had circulated at Wally's about abusing the Customer Comment box on the computer. We have John to
thank for that. He worked here a few years ago, after I begged the manager to let him on. John was fired a few months
later, but not before he managed to add something to the "Comment" field for pretty much every single customer he
served.
NAME: Carl Gass
COMMENTS: If he doesn't have late charges, and you tell him that he does, he LOSES HIS
FUCKING MIND.
_______________________
NAME: Lisa Franks
COMMENTS: Had sex with her on 11/15
_______________________
NAME: Kara Bullock
COMMENTS: Thinks I have an English accent. Don't forget.
_______________________
NAME: Chet Beirach
COMMENTS: Always smells like fish. I think he fishes for a living. He's sensitive about
it so don't bring it up.
_______________________
NAME: Rob Arnold
COMMENTS: It's the white Patrick Ewing!
_______________________
NAME: Cheryl Mackey
COMMENTS: Had sex with her on 7/16
_______________________
I gave the cowboy his change, glancing over his shoulder at the TV every chance I could get. They were back at the
hospital, the camera showing close-ups of bul et holes in walls and shel casings on the floor.
The cowboy turned to fol ow my gaze, saw the TV. "That's some scary shit, ain't it?"
I said, "Yeah."
"Whole world's comin' to an end, that's what I think."
"Yeah, probably. Have a nice day."
The cowboy left. He stuffed his wal et into his back pocket and I imagined it shooting back out again, squeezed by the
sheer pressure of the fabric.
These days John was working at a warehouse that stored government documents. Apparently most agencies have gone
to a paperless system, al the records on computer, and they have to destroy all their old paper forms after a couple of
years because there's no money in the budget to store them. John got a job on the document destruction team. It seemed
like a perfect job for him. I mean, how can you screw up destroying papers? John told me they pile up al the papers and
shoot them with flamethrowers, but I suspect they just have a big shredder or something.
I met John when I was 14, in an Intro to Computers class in high school. Mr. Gertz. Huge guy with a mustache who used
to interrupt lessons on Windows 95 to give speeches about atheism. Everybody liked John. He could play guitar and do
card tricks and stand on his head. On the other end, most people found me to be unlikable in the way that most people
find dogs to have fur.
I grabbed a DVD and went back to peeling off stickers. I had gotten written up six weeks ago because more DVD's were
stolen on my watch than either of the other two managers. Not sure what I was supposed to be doing to stop it, I guess
running out and tackling the kids who tried to walk out with the goods.
The problem, I decided, was the magnetic anti-theft tags that would activate the door alarm were in the DVD cases, so it
only took the thieves minutes to figure out they just had to pop the disc out of the case
was called off. Everything could go back to normal since Franky's severed head was pretty much confirmation he was no
longer a danger. I pictured Franky's corpse swelling to eruption with hundreds of baby mouth bugs and begged to differ.
The cowboy came up to the counter with a copy of Basic Instinct 2 and 2001: A Space Odyssey . How could he walk in those jeans? I could make out the exact hang of his penis in those things. Did they inflate when he farted?
I glanced up at the TV, saw a reporter standing in front of the turkey building as a tow truck hauled my Bronco out, front
end smashed and windshield clouded white with cracks. I still drove it home, though. Give credit to the people at Ford.
The cowboy gave me his membership card and I punched in the number. His account came up as:
NAME: James DuPree
OVERDUE: -
ACCT STATUS: A
COMMENTS: THIS MAN HAS WORN THE SAME TROUSERS SINCE HE WAS A TODDLER
Many memos had circulated at Wally's about abusing the Customer Comment box on the computer. We have John to
thank for that. He worked here a few years ago, after I begged the manager to let him on. John was fired a few months
later, but not before he managed to add something to the "Comment" field for pretty much every single customer he
served.
NAME: Carl Gass
COMMENTS: If he doesn't have late charges, and you tell him that he does, he LOSES HIS
FUCKING MIND.
_______________________
NAME: Lisa Franks
COMMENTS: Had sex with her on 11/15
_______________________
NAME: Kara Bullock
COMMENTS: Thinks I have an English accent. Don't forget.
_______________________
NAME: Chet Beirach
COMMENTS: Always smells like fish. I think he fishes for a living. He's sensitive about
it so don't bring it up.
_______________________
NAME: Rob Arnold
COMMENTS: It's the white Patrick Ewing!
_______________________
NAME: Cheryl Mackey
COMMENTS: Had sex with her on 7/16
_______________________
I gave the cowboy his change, glancing over his shoulder at the TV every chance I could get. They were back at the
hospital, the camera showing close-ups of bul et holes in walls and shel casings on the floor.
The cowboy turned to fol ow my gaze, saw the TV. "That's some scary shit, ain't it?"
I said, "Yeah."
"Whole world's comin' to an end, that's what I think."
"Yeah, probably. Have a nice day."
The cowboy left. He stuffed his wal et into his back pocket and I imagined it shooting back out again, squeezed by the
sheer pressure of the fabric.
These days John was working at a warehouse that stored government documents. Apparently most agencies have gone
to a paperless system, al the records on computer, and they have to destroy all their old paper forms after a couple of
years because there's no money in the budget to store them. John got a job on the document destruction team. It seemed
like a perfect job for him. I mean, how can you screw up destroying papers? John told me they pile up al the papers and
shoot them with flamethrowers, but I suspect they just have a big shredder or something.
I met John when I was 14, in an Intro to Computers class in high school. Mr. Gertz. Huge guy with a mustache who used
to interrupt lessons on Windows 95 to give speeches about atheism. Everybody liked John. He could play guitar and do
card tricks and stand on his head. On the other end, most people found me to be unlikable in the way that most people
find dogs to have fur.
I grabbed a DVD and went back to peeling off stickers. I had gotten written up six weeks ago because more DVD's were
stolen on my watch than either of the other two managers. Not sure what I was supposed to be doing to stop it, I guess
running out and tackling the kids who tried to walk out with the goods.
The problem, I decided, was the magnetic anti-theft tags that would activate the door alarm were in the DVD cases, so it
only took the thieves minutes to figure out they just had to pop the disc out of the case
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