right for her, and she was still sure . . or was she?
"I don't exactly see you sitting in a rocking chair in thirty years. I can't even see my dad doing that then." He would be ninety-two by then. "Maybe you should think about it again."
She thought the baby she was going to have was going to be so wonderful that everyone ought to try it.
"I'm too old to think about it now," Pilar said firmly, as though trying to convince herself. "I'm forty-three. I'll be much better suited to being a grandmother when your baby comes." But saying that somehow made her feel sad, and that startled her. Suddenly, she had skipped the middle part. She had been young, and now she was old. She had never had children of her own, and now she was gong to be a grandmother. It felt like she had missed the party.
"I don't know why you think you're too old. Forty-three just isn't old anymore. Lots of women have babies at your age," Nancy insisted.
"That's true, but lots of women don't. I think I might be one of them. If nothing else, it's more familiar." She went inside to make coffiae then, for herself if not Nancy. They chatted for a while into the afternoon, and then Nancy left. She had some errands to do, and she was having dinner with friends that night. She really seemed to be enjoying her pregnancy, and Pilar had been fascinated to watch her as they talked, she kept rubbing her stomach as though she were talking to it, and once or twice Pilar saw the pink shirt jump, as the baby moved or kicked, and Nancy laughed. She said the baby was very active.
But after Nancy left, Pilar walked aimlessly around the house. She did the dishes from lunch, she sat down at her desk for a while and stared out the window. She had brought some legal files home, but she couldn't keep her mind on them, all she could think of were the things she and Nancy had said that afternoon . . . the questions her stepdaughter had asked her would she be sorry one day? . . . would she regret not having children when she was old? . . . and what about when Bradford died, God forbid, but what if he did and she had nothing left of him, except her memories and another woman's children? But how ridiculous that was, you didn't have babies just to hang on to someone, to have a piece of them when they died. But why did people have children? And why had she never wanted any before, and yet now it was slowly becoming a gnawing question? And why now? Why, after all these years? Was it just jealousy of Nancy, a desire to be young, some crazy idea that had come to her just before menopause?
Was this beginning of the end, or the beginning of the beginning? Or was it anything at all? She seemed to have none of the answers.
In the end, after a long battle with herself, Pilar put her legal files away, and called Marina. She felt foolish even as she dialed, but she knew she had to talk to someone. She was just too unsettled after her lunch with Nancy.
"Hello?" Marina had on her official voice, and Pilar smiled as she heard her.
"It's only me. Where were you? You took forever to answer."
For a minute, she'd been worried the older woman wasn't home, and it was a relief when she finally heard her voice at the other end.
Sorry, I was out in the garden, pruning "Can I interest you in a walk on the beach?"
Marina hesitated, but only for a moment. The truth was that she was enjoying her gardening, but she also knew that Pilar never invited her to walk on the beach, except when she was deeply troubled.
"Something wrong?"
"Not really. I don't know. I think I'm just rearranging the furniture in my head. It's all the same old stuff, but I'm moving it around to different places." It was an odd way to explain what she was feeling, but Pilar just hadn't found the right words yet.
"As long as there's still a place for me to sit down." Marina smiled, and set her gardening gloves down on the kitchen table. "Want me to come and pick you up?"
"I'd love that." Pilar sighed. Marina was
"I don't exactly see you sitting in a rocking chair in thirty years. I can't even see my dad doing that then." He would be ninety-two by then. "Maybe you should think about it again."
She thought the baby she was going to have was going to be so wonderful that everyone ought to try it.
"I'm too old to think about it now," Pilar said firmly, as though trying to convince herself. "I'm forty-three. I'll be much better suited to being a grandmother when your baby comes." But saying that somehow made her feel sad, and that startled her. Suddenly, she had skipped the middle part. She had been young, and now she was old. She had never had children of her own, and now she was gong to be a grandmother. It felt like she had missed the party.
"I don't know why you think you're too old. Forty-three just isn't old anymore. Lots of women have babies at your age," Nancy insisted.
"That's true, but lots of women don't. I think I might be one of them. If nothing else, it's more familiar." She went inside to make coffiae then, for herself if not Nancy. They chatted for a while into the afternoon, and then Nancy left. She had some errands to do, and she was having dinner with friends that night. She really seemed to be enjoying her pregnancy, and Pilar had been fascinated to watch her as they talked, she kept rubbing her stomach as though she were talking to it, and once or twice Pilar saw the pink shirt jump, as the baby moved or kicked, and Nancy laughed. She said the baby was very active.
But after Nancy left, Pilar walked aimlessly around the house. She did the dishes from lunch, she sat down at her desk for a while and stared out the window. She had brought some legal files home, but she couldn't keep her mind on them, all she could think of were the things she and Nancy had said that afternoon . . . the questions her stepdaughter had asked her would she be sorry one day? . . . would she regret not having children when she was old? . . . and what about when Bradford died, God forbid, but what if he did and she had nothing left of him, except her memories and another woman's children? But how ridiculous that was, you didn't have babies just to hang on to someone, to have a piece of them when they died. But why did people have children? And why had she never wanted any before, and yet now it was slowly becoming a gnawing question? And why now? Why, after all these years? Was it just jealousy of Nancy, a desire to be young, some crazy idea that had come to her just before menopause?
Was this beginning of the end, or the beginning of the beginning? Or was it anything at all? She seemed to have none of the answers.
In the end, after a long battle with herself, Pilar put her legal files away, and called Marina. She felt foolish even as she dialed, but she knew she had to talk to someone. She was just too unsettled after her lunch with Nancy.
"Hello?" Marina had on her official voice, and Pilar smiled as she heard her.
"It's only me. Where were you? You took forever to answer."
For a minute, she'd been worried the older woman wasn't home, and it was a relief when she finally heard her voice at the other end.
Sorry, I was out in the garden, pruning "Can I interest you in a walk on the beach?"
Marina hesitated, but only for a moment. The truth was that she was enjoying her gardening, but she also knew that Pilar never invited her to walk on the beach, except when she was deeply troubled.
"Something wrong?"
"Not really. I don't know. I think I'm just rearranging the furniture in my head. It's all the same old stuff, but I'm moving it around to different places." It was an odd way to explain what she was feeling, but Pilar just hadn't found the right words yet.
"As long as there's still a place for me to sit down." Marina smiled, and set her gardening gloves down on the kitchen table. "Want me to come and pick you up?"
"I'd love that." Pilar sighed. Marina was
Similar Books
