always there for her, always accessible, and warm and kind. Her brothers and sisters still called her in the middle of the night with all their problems, and it was easy to see why. She was so sharp and intelligent, andso incredibly loving. She offered Pilar everything her parents never had, even if it just meant listening sometimes, or working through a difficult decision. Most of the time, Pilar talked to Brad, but now and then something came up that only another woman would understand, although this time she felt sure that Marina would tell her she was crazy.
She was there in less than half an hour, and they drove slowly down toward the ocean, as Marina glanced at her from time to time. Pilar looked all right to her, but it was obvious that she was worried.
"So, what's on your mind?" she asked as she finally stopped the car.
"Are we talking about business, or pleasure . . . or the lack of it?"
Pilar smiled and shook her head, as they got out of the car. "You and Brad had a fight."
"No, it's nothing like that." Pilar was quick to reassure her.
In fact, things had never been better between them. Getting married had been the best thing they'd ever done, and more than ever she wished they had done it sooner. "Actually," she took a deep breath as they started to walk on the sand, "funnily enough, it's Nancy."
"Again? After all these years?" Marina looked surprised to hear it.
"I thought she'd been behaving herself for the last ten years. I'm disappointed to hear that."
But Pilar laughed as she shook her head again. "No, it's not that either. She's fine. She's going to have the baby in a few weeks, and that seems to be all she can think of."
"It would probably be all you'd think of too if you had a fiftypound watermelon strapped to your belly . . . when you could get it off might easily become an all-consuming question.
It would to me anyway, I hate carrying anything heavier than a quarter."
"Oh, shut up." Pilar laughed at her again. "Don't make me laugh, Mina." It was a name that her nephews and nieces had called her for years, and Pilar called her that at special moments. "The crazy thing is that I'm not even sure what I want to tell you . . . or why I feel the way I do . . . I'm not even sure what I feel, if it's real, or an illusion."
"My God, it sounds serious." Marina was half teasing, but she was also watching Pilar's face, and her eyes, and she knew she was deeply troubled and confused. But she also knew that eventually the younger woman would say what she had to.
Marina was in no hurry, she could let her take her time to find the words to match her feelings.
Pilar looked at her sheepishly as she tried to put words to the tangle of emotions. "I don't even know where to start. . . . I think it was five months ago, when Nancy told me she was pregnant . . . or maybe it was after that. . . . I don't know. I just don't know anything . . . except I keep wondering if I've made a mistake . . . maybe even a huge mistake. ."
She looked agonized and Marina looked genuinely surprised by what she'd just said.
"You mean by marrying Brad?"
"No, of course not." Pilar was quick to shake her head. "I mean by being so adamant about never having children. What if I was wrong? What if I regret it one day? What if everyone else is right, and I'm just neurotic because my parents were so rotten to me. . . . What if I could have been a decent mother after all?" She looked anguished as she turned to Marina. And Marina pointed her to a dune, where they sat down out of the wind, and the older woman put an arm around her shoulders.
"I'm sure you would have been a very good mother, if that's what you wanted to do. But being good at something, or potentially good at something, doesn't justify doing it, unless you want to. I'm sure you would have made a very good fireman, too, but it was hardly a necessary step in your career. Let me remind you that no matter how many people do it, it is still not obligatory to
She was there in less than half an hour, and they drove slowly down toward the ocean, as Marina glanced at her from time to time. Pilar looked all right to her, but it was obvious that she was worried.
"So, what's on your mind?" she asked as she finally stopped the car.
"Are we talking about business, or pleasure . . . or the lack of it?"
Pilar smiled and shook her head, as they got out of the car. "You and Brad had a fight."
"No, it's nothing like that." Pilar was quick to reassure her.
In fact, things had never been better between them. Getting married had been the best thing they'd ever done, and more than ever she wished they had done it sooner. "Actually," she took a deep breath as they started to walk on the sand, "funnily enough, it's Nancy."
"Again? After all these years?" Marina looked surprised to hear it.
"I thought she'd been behaving herself for the last ten years. I'm disappointed to hear that."
But Pilar laughed as she shook her head again. "No, it's not that either. She's fine. She's going to have the baby in a few weeks, and that seems to be all she can think of."
"It would probably be all you'd think of too if you had a fiftypound watermelon strapped to your belly . . . when you could get it off might easily become an all-consuming question.
It would to me anyway, I hate carrying anything heavier than a quarter."
"Oh, shut up." Pilar laughed at her again. "Don't make me laugh, Mina." It was a name that her nephews and nieces had called her for years, and Pilar called her that at special moments. "The crazy thing is that I'm not even sure what I want to tell you . . . or why I feel the way I do . . . I'm not even sure what I feel, if it's real, or an illusion."
"My God, it sounds serious." Marina was half teasing, but she was also watching Pilar's face, and her eyes, and she knew she was deeply troubled and confused. But she also knew that eventually the younger woman would say what she had to.
Marina was in no hurry, she could let her take her time to find the words to match her feelings.
Pilar looked at her sheepishly as she tried to put words to the tangle of emotions. "I don't even know where to start. . . . I think it was five months ago, when Nancy told me she was pregnant . . . or maybe it was after that. . . . I don't know. I just don't know anything . . . except I keep wondering if I've made a mistake . . . maybe even a huge mistake. ."
She looked agonized and Marina looked genuinely surprised by what she'd just said.
"You mean by marrying Brad?"
"No, of course not." Pilar was quick to shake her head. "I mean by being so adamant about never having children. What if I was wrong? What if I regret it one day? What if everyone else is right, and I'm just neurotic because my parents were so rotten to me. . . . What if I could have been a decent mother after all?" She looked anguished as she turned to Marina. And Marina pointed her to a dune, where they sat down out of the wind, and the older woman put an arm around her shoulders.
"I'm sure you would have been a very good mother, if that's what you wanted to do. But being good at something, or potentially good at something, doesn't justify doing it, unless you want to. I'm sure you would have made a very good fireman, too, but it was hardly a necessary step in your career. Let me remind you that no matter how many people do it, it is still not obligatory to
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