one?”
I laughed. “No, but you’re about to go into a sugar coma.”
She grinned. “The eggs and bacon will balance it all out.”
I kissed her forehead and whispered, “What’s Trevor thinking? Does he still want to bring this guy to my parents’ house and ask them to watch the chicken?”
“Yeah.”
“He’s crazy.”
“I know. But Paul’s a decent guy.”
“Paul?”
“Tortilla’s real name.”
“Ah.”
“ Breakfast’s ready!” Trevor announced, pulling a stack of paper plates out of a drawer. No one wanted to do dishes during the holidays, so I couldn’t blame him.
We three men all settled down around the table while Darla made another pot of coffee, then joined us. Chewing in silence, we scarfed down our Christmas breakfast in a half-pleasant, half-awkward manner that involved careful avoidance of eye contact.
Tortilla kept sneaking pieces of egg down under the table for Popsicle to eat. Finally, I blurted out, “Isn’t that cannibalism?”
All the forks dropped. Tortilla looked like I’d slapped him. His blue eyes widened and his brow turned down. Clean shaven now, the lack of hair on his face highlighted how long he’d had a beard, for the newly-shaved skin was whale-belly white except where it was reddened by acne . His hair was clean but hung in long tendrils, curling with a shine that would have been beautiful if it weren’t so heartbreaking.
“Cannibal what ?” Darla choked out.
“You’re feeding a chicken pieces of cooked chicken egg,” I said quietly.
The look on Tortilla’s face was pure horror. Tears filled his eyes.
I felt like a piece of shit, instantly.
“Never thought about that,” he said sadly.
“ You’re so full of joy, Joe. You should be Santa’s helper at the mall. You know, kick puppies, take candy canes away from babies. Spread the love,” Trevor said.
“No.” Tortilla came to my defense. “He’s making a good point.”
“Popsicle don’t care,” Darla added. The chicken looked up and turn ed its head, giving her a one-eyed blank look.
“Popsicle is filthy,”Tortilla said, frowning. He grabbed her, then stood. “Mind if I give her a bath in that nice sink in the bathroom? You even have hot water here, ” he marveled. “It’ll be nice not to have to lick her clean for once.”
“No problem,” I said in a rush, eager to stop being the asshole, but also fighting my gag reflex. Ugh . “There’s some nice lavender shower gel that Darla uses. Make Popsicle nice and calm.”
Tortilla’s smile was crooked, and he was missing two bottom teeth. “Thanks!” He scurried off. The rush of water began in the distance.
Trevor kicked my ankle just as his phone buzzed in his pocket. I glared at him a s he answered it.
“ Hello?” Trev’s face went immediately to confusion, then he handed me his phone.
“It’s your mom.”
“ My mom?”
He shrugged and handed me the phone.
“Joey! Merry Christmas! We miss you here at home, but we understand. Nothing could be better than whatever you’re experiencing with your beloveds.” The s at the end felt like being tased.
“Hi, Mom.”
“ I had to call you on Trevor’s phone after your little stunt last night.”
“You’re not spying on his phone too, are you?”
S he completely, blatantly ignored that jab.
“We expect you at eleven! Come for brunch! And bring Darla and Trevor, of course.”
“I was already planning to do that, Mom.”
“I already have a present for her.”
My breakfast turned into a lead balloon in my stomach. “What?”
“ We called and got all the charges dropped against her.”
“How?”
“ We know people. A lot of people. And, it turns out, you helped, too.”
“Me? How did I help?”
“Remember how you r naked rear end is all over social media right now?”
How could I forget?
“ Uhhhh....”
“Edie Chadron was at that party. Your grandma’s partner who helped form the Vagina Power Collective .”
“ That’s
I laughed. “No, but you’re about to go into a sugar coma.”
She grinned. “The eggs and bacon will balance it all out.”
I kissed her forehead and whispered, “What’s Trevor thinking? Does he still want to bring this guy to my parents’ house and ask them to watch the chicken?”
“Yeah.”
“He’s crazy.”
“I know. But Paul’s a decent guy.”
“Paul?”
“Tortilla’s real name.”
“Ah.”
“ Breakfast’s ready!” Trevor announced, pulling a stack of paper plates out of a drawer. No one wanted to do dishes during the holidays, so I couldn’t blame him.
We three men all settled down around the table while Darla made another pot of coffee, then joined us. Chewing in silence, we scarfed down our Christmas breakfast in a half-pleasant, half-awkward manner that involved careful avoidance of eye contact.
Tortilla kept sneaking pieces of egg down under the table for Popsicle to eat. Finally, I blurted out, “Isn’t that cannibalism?”
All the forks dropped. Tortilla looked like I’d slapped him. His blue eyes widened and his brow turned down. Clean shaven now, the lack of hair on his face highlighted how long he’d had a beard, for the newly-shaved skin was whale-belly white except where it was reddened by acne . His hair was clean but hung in long tendrils, curling with a shine that would have been beautiful if it weren’t so heartbreaking.
“Cannibal what ?” Darla choked out.
“You’re feeding a chicken pieces of cooked chicken egg,” I said quietly.
The look on Tortilla’s face was pure horror. Tears filled his eyes.
I felt like a piece of shit, instantly.
“Never thought about that,” he said sadly.
“ You’re so full of joy, Joe. You should be Santa’s helper at the mall. You know, kick puppies, take candy canes away from babies. Spread the love,” Trevor said.
“No.” Tortilla came to my defense. “He’s making a good point.”
“Popsicle don’t care,” Darla added. The chicken looked up and turn ed its head, giving her a one-eyed blank look.
“Popsicle is filthy,”Tortilla said, frowning. He grabbed her, then stood. “Mind if I give her a bath in that nice sink in the bathroom? You even have hot water here, ” he marveled. “It’ll be nice not to have to lick her clean for once.”
“No problem,” I said in a rush, eager to stop being the asshole, but also fighting my gag reflex. Ugh . “There’s some nice lavender shower gel that Darla uses. Make Popsicle nice and calm.”
Tortilla’s smile was crooked, and he was missing two bottom teeth. “Thanks!” He scurried off. The rush of water began in the distance.
Trevor kicked my ankle just as his phone buzzed in his pocket. I glared at him a s he answered it.
“ Hello?” Trev’s face went immediately to confusion, then he handed me his phone.
“It’s your mom.”
“ My mom?”
He shrugged and handed me the phone.
“Joey! Merry Christmas! We miss you here at home, but we understand. Nothing could be better than whatever you’re experiencing with your beloveds.” The s at the end felt like being tased.
“Hi, Mom.”
“ I had to call you on Trevor’s phone after your little stunt last night.”
“You’re not spying on his phone too, are you?”
S he completely, blatantly ignored that jab.
“We expect you at eleven! Come for brunch! And bring Darla and Trevor, of course.”
“I was already planning to do that, Mom.”
“I already have a present for her.”
My breakfast turned into a lead balloon in my stomach. “What?”
“ We called and got all the charges dropped against her.”
“How?”
“ We know people. A lot of people. And, it turns out, you helped, too.”
“Me? How did I help?”
“Remember how you r naked rear end is all over social media right now?”
How could I forget?
“ Uhhhh....”
“Edie Chadron was at that party. Your grandma’s partner who helped form the Vagina Power Collective .”
“ That’s
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