these weird games with you. You're not going to have to go nuts trying to figure out why the right guy didn't call, and you're not going to have to worry about calling him. You're not going to have to walk on eggshells trying to keep from frightening him off.
You're not going to have to do any of this nonsense, because the right guy is the one who is crazy about you. The real you. All of you. The right guy is the guy who can't wait to call you, can't wait for you to call him, can't wait to spend lots of time with you.
Anybody who isn't that guy, well, the best thing you can do with him is have as much fun as you can, and then let him go. He's not worth agonizing over.
__________________
* Sometimes my thoughts speak to me in the guise of loudmouthed neighborhood kids. I'm seeing a specialist about it.
* Absolutely zero of these female explanations for male behavior have ever happened. Ever. **
** Read that other note. Don't read anything else until you believe it.
* Don't take it to the actual bank. The teller will almost surely call security.
CHAPTER 6
men and their things, or
sometimes a remote is just
a remote
N o, I'm not talking about those things. I am not about to sit here and tell you about men and their genitals. That's for another book.
But isn't the male obsession with stuff just that thing where men compensate for their penises with bigger cars, TVs, or whatever?
No. Common misunderstanding. There is a certain school of thought that says that everything is all about men's “things.” But I do not belong to that school, so get your minds out of the gutter. Yes, men are obsessed with the size of their penises. And since they are also obsessed with the size of their TVs, smart people with lots of time on their hands (and puny TVs, I bet) make the connection that it's all about the penis. But maybe it's more simple than that.
Men just like to keep score, period. Men are in constant competition about everything. This is why men like sports. There are “winners” and “losers.”
Believe me, men don't spend a lot of time thinking about penises. We are far more focused on winners and losers. And penises are just one of the many competitions we might win or lose. Technology, gear, tools, cars, and sports are others.
What is it about men and their stuff anyway? Why do they love it?
Because they understand it. Technology either works, or it doesn't. And we can tell when something's wrong. And if it doesn't work, we're pretty sure that we can get it to work.
Basically, we like electronics because they are not like you. You frighten us. When you get mad at us, we know something is wrong, but we can't for the life of us figure out how to fix the problem. We try; we get into worse trouble; and ultimately we give an unconditional surrender where we say, “Look, I don't even know what I did. But I'm sure that I'm really sorry about it. Can we get back to the part where I don't feel tense and terrified that I'm doing something wrong, please?”
There's a big lesson there, ladies. If you can tell us exactly what we have done wrong, it will be better for everyone. No, we will never be able to just tell. Stop hoping for that. I just don't see it happening anytime soon.
BACK TO CAVEMAN TIMES
Another reason that men love technology is that it does stuff. The first item of this type was probably the club. Whoever had the best one killed the most elk. Awesome. And what about fire? Oh, forget about it. Whichever cave dude had the first fire made all the other guys go nuts trying to figure out how to make a bigger, better one.
But why does it matter?
I don't know. Why do you have five pairs of black shoes that are exactly alike?
They are most certainly not exactly alike! See, these have a little strap, and this pair has—
Please kill me now.
See, that's just what I'm talking about—you love those… totally
You're not going to have to do any of this nonsense, because the right guy is the one who is crazy about you. The real you. All of you. The right guy is the guy who can't wait to call you, can't wait for you to call him, can't wait to spend lots of time with you.
Anybody who isn't that guy, well, the best thing you can do with him is have as much fun as you can, and then let him go. He's not worth agonizing over.
__________________
* Sometimes my thoughts speak to me in the guise of loudmouthed neighborhood kids. I'm seeing a specialist about it.
* Absolutely zero of these female explanations for male behavior have ever happened. Ever. **
** Read that other note. Don't read anything else until you believe it.
* Don't take it to the actual bank. The teller will almost surely call security.
CHAPTER 6
men and their things, or
sometimes a remote is just
a remote
N o, I'm not talking about those things. I am not about to sit here and tell you about men and their genitals. That's for another book.
But isn't the male obsession with stuff just that thing where men compensate for their penises with bigger cars, TVs, or whatever?
No. Common misunderstanding. There is a certain school of thought that says that everything is all about men's “things.” But I do not belong to that school, so get your minds out of the gutter. Yes, men are obsessed with the size of their penises. And since they are also obsessed with the size of their TVs, smart people with lots of time on their hands (and puny TVs, I bet) make the connection that it's all about the penis. But maybe it's more simple than that.
Men just like to keep score, period. Men are in constant competition about everything. This is why men like sports. There are “winners” and “losers.”
Believe me, men don't spend a lot of time thinking about penises. We are far more focused on winners and losers. And penises are just one of the many competitions we might win or lose. Technology, gear, tools, cars, and sports are others.
What is it about men and their stuff anyway? Why do they love it?
Because they understand it. Technology either works, or it doesn't. And we can tell when something's wrong. And if it doesn't work, we're pretty sure that we can get it to work.
Basically, we like electronics because they are not like you. You frighten us. When you get mad at us, we know something is wrong, but we can't for the life of us figure out how to fix the problem. We try; we get into worse trouble; and ultimately we give an unconditional surrender where we say, “Look, I don't even know what I did. But I'm sure that I'm really sorry about it. Can we get back to the part where I don't feel tense and terrified that I'm doing something wrong, please?”
There's a big lesson there, ladies. If you can tell us exactly what we have done wrong, it will be better for everyone. No, we will never be able to just tell. Stop hoping for that. I just don't see it happening anytime soon.
BACK TO CAVEMAN TIMES
Another reason that men love technology is that it does stuff. The first item of this type was probably the club. Whoever had the best one killed the most elk. Awesome. And what about fire? Oh, forget about it. Whichever cave dude had the first fire made all the other guys go nuts trying to figure out how to make a bigger, better one.
But why does it matter?
I don't know. Why do you have five pairs of black shoes that are exactly alike?
They are most certainly not exactly alike! See, these have a little strap, and this pair has—
Please kill me now.
See, that's just what I'm talking about—you love those… totally
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