like this:
He and I had a great date.
I called him.
He blew me off.
Mistaken Conclusion: The call made me look clingy and psycho, and I spooked him and scared him off.
This is not how it went. If you called him and he blew you off, it went like this:
You had a great date, and he did not.
He planned to blow you off.
You called him, and nothing changed.
True Conclusion: He wasn't interested to begin with, and your call had no discernible effect on his feelings about you. Up or down.
Come on. Do you really think that he was sitting there at his house saying to himself, “You know what? I had a great time with her. I wanted to ask her out again. But then she called me! Ugh! And as if that wasn't enough, she told me she had fun on that date that I had fun on! Double ugh.”
And if you are dating a man who only liked you until you called him to tell him you liked him, well, do you really want to be dating such a man?
AN ABRIDGED LIST OF THE VARIOUS GUYS
WHO ARE NOT WORTH FREAKING OUT ABOUT
There are a few types of men who seem (again seem ) to be sending weird mixed signals. Here are a few you would do well to avoid if you can.
The Romantic: This is the guy who is obsessed with obsession. He loves that beginning time, loves getting you all caught up in a whirlwind of romance, flowers, secret meetings, urgency. And then seemingly out of nowhere, poof. He's gone, and wha happa? This guy is an urgency addict, and when your relationship stopped resembling a four-alarm house fire, he lost interest. Forget this man. He never liked you, per se. He liked the intensity of your time together.
The Therapy Addict: This guy wants to analyze his every emotion, thought, and impulse, and give you the play-by-play. His version of being a badass is that he is either the most damaged person you've ever met, or at least the most enlightened person about being damaged that you've ever met. This guy likes trouble because it gives him some more chances to learn firsthand terms he read in self-help books. Avoid.
The Scorekeeper: This man is interested in getting you into bed, because he needs to know he's still got it. And getting women into bed is how he knows. With this guy, the meter is running. He thrives on figuring out exactly what you want to hear, and then he tells you that. You'll know him because he's the guy trying to minimize the time between “hello” and bed.
The Collector: He can't let you off the hook. Even after you two are done, he'll call every so often to “check in” or just to “see how you're doing.” He's attempting to keep a whole lot of women interested in him. He's not sure he exists unless some woman thinks he's the greatest. You'll know you've found this guy when you can't get anywhere near him, except every once in a while—on his terms.
The “Honest” Player: This guy will tell you straight out, “I'm not interested in a real relationship. I'm just too immature for that. In relationships, I'm big trouble.” He's banking on you arguing for being with him, even while he's arguing against it. And then when he screws you over—and you can take it to the bank * that he will screw you over—he comforts himself (and sometimes you) by saying, “Hey, I told her the whole time…” Trust me, if a guy tells you he's a lousy boyfriend, he's always right.
OFFICER, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY!
Look, everybody knows that the vast majority of men are going to be “the wrong guy.” There seem to be endless ways that this whole dating thing can end badly. You didn't need anyone to tell you that (and if you did, well, there's a whole shelf filled with books that will tell you all about it).
But now you know to pay attention to what he does (and chill out about what he says). Just think how quickly you'll be able to weed'em out. You could get through your whole address book in, like, ten minutes!
What you need to understand about men is that the right man is not going to play all of
He and I had a great date.
I called him.
He blew me off.
Mistaken Conclusion: The call made me look clingy and psycho, and I spooked him and scared him off.
This is not how it went. If you called him and he blew you off, it went like this:
You had a great date, and he did not.
He planned to blow you off.
You called him, and nothing changed.
True Conclusion: He wasn't interested to begin with, and your call had no discernible effect on his feelings about you. Up or down.
Come on. Do you really think that he was sitting there at his house saying to himself, “You know what? I had a great time with her. I wanted to ask her out again. But then she called me! Ugh! And as if that wasn't enough, she told me she had fun on that date that I had fun on! Double ugh.”
And if you are dating a man who only liked you until you called him to tell him you liked him, well, do you really want to be dating such a man?
AN ABRIDGED LIST OF THE VARIOUS GUYS
WHO ARE NOT WORTH FREAKING OUT ABOUT
There are a few types of men who seem (again seem ) to be sending weird mixed signals. Here are a few you would do well to avoid if you can.
The Romantic: This is the guy who is obsessed with obsession. He loves that beginning time, loves getting you all caught up in a whirlwind of romance, flowers, secret meetings, urgency. And then seemingly out of nowhere, poof. He's gone, and wha happa? This guy is an urgency addict, and when your relationship stopped resembling a four-alarm house fire, he lost interest. Forget this man. He never liked you, per se. He liked the intensity of your time together.
The Therapy Addict: This guy wants to analyze his every emotion, thought, and impulse, and give you the play-by-play. His version of being a badass is that he is either the most damaged person you've ever met, or at least the most enlightened person about being damaged that you've ever met. This guy likes trouble because it gives him some more chances to learn firsthand terms he read in self-help books. Avoid.
The Scorekeeper: This man is interested in getting you into bed, because he needs to know he's still got it. And getting women into bed is how he knows. With this guy, the meter is running. He thrives on figuring out exactly what you want to hear, and then he tells you that. You'll know him because he's the guy trying to minimize the time between “hello” and bed.
The Collector: He can't let you off the hook. Even after you two are done, he'll call every so often to “check in” or just to “see how you're doing.” He's attempting to keep a whole lot of women interested in him. He's not sure he exists unless some woman thinks he's the greatest. You'll know you've found this guy when you can't get anywhere near him, except every once in a while—on his terms.
The “Honest” Player: This guy will tell you straight out, “I'm not interested in a real relationship. I'm just too immature for that. In relationships, I'm big trouble.” He's banking on you arguing for being with him, even while he's arguing against it. And then when he screws you over—and you can take it to the bank * that he will screw you over—he comforts himself (and sometimes you) by saying, “Hey, I told her the whole time…” Trust me, if a guy tells you he's a lousy boyfriend, he's always right.
OFFICER, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY!
Look, everybody knows that the vast majority of men are going to be “the wrong guy.” There seem to be endless ways that this whole dating thing can end badly. You didn't need anyone to tell you that (and if you did, well, there's a whole shelf filled with books that will tell you all about it).
But now you know to pay attention to what he does (and chill out about what he says). Just think how quickly you'll be able to weed'em out. You could get through your whole address book in, like, ten minutes!
What you need to understand about men is that the right man is not going to play all of
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