camera. ‘I thought you might be having trouble ordering. This is my personal favourite. We come here all the time.’
She offered for their inspection what appeared to be some sort of stew, oozing over a drowned layer of rice, and half a burnt pita bread balanced decoratively on one side.
‘It tastes better than it looks,’ she assured them, although the smell lent no support to her opinion. ‘Of course, I don’t suppose your mind is really on the food tonight is it?’ She turned her attention to Juliet. ‘Which one are you with dear?’
‘She’s with me,’ Brian informed the woman. ‘Here comes Kevin’s date now.’
‘Oh, my, well that’s all very sweet, isn’t it. Be good.’ She stood her ground long enough to look Charlotte up and down, then returned to her inert companion.
‘Hi,’ Charlotte greeted them. ‘Who was that?’
‘Kev’s Mum,’ Brian quipped.
‘Was not.’
‘Hi, Malcolm.’ She gave the camera a little smile that kicked at Malcolm’s heart.
‘Don’t look at the camera,’ he told her. ‘Just pretend I’m not here.’ Life could be so unfair.
‘Oh, all right then. Have we ordered?’
‘We were waiting for you.’
‘Sorry I’m late. Last minute attack of nerves.’ And again she looked at Malcolm and smiled, and this time he chose not to reprimand her. He could always edit it out later, or save it on a special file.
‘So, can I take your orders then?’ The redhead had ghosted up behind them and stood waiting, notepaper in hand and his eyes flicking to Juliet whenever he thought she wasn’t watching. Malcolm watched and filmed.
‘Do you have anything that isn’t even a little bit like what she’s eating?’ Juliet asked, pointing to the other table.
‘It’s all on the menu,’ he replied. ‘But most of it’s a bit crap, to be honest. It’s nicer across the road, you should have gone there.’
‘Can I just have this thing here, with the salad please,’ Charlotte asked. It was her nose he liked best, Malcolm decided. It had a lot of personality, for a nose. It seemed to take the lead in forming the face’s expressions, and looked just as good in close-up.
‘I’ll have the chicken breast,’ Brian said. ‘And so will Kev.’
Kevin, who didn’t appear to have fully recovered from his earlier embarrassment, mumbled his assent.
‘And you?’ the waiter asked Juliet.
‘I don’t know. You choose. Whatever you think’s least crap.’
‘Probably the burger. It’s hard to ruin a burger.’
The waiter walked away and it was immediately apparent that any hope of conversation had walked off with him. Malcolm tried to be patient; he reasoned that they were nervous, and would soon relax. But reason soon gave way to frustration. It wasn’t as if Juliet wasn’t trying. No matter what she said, however, the response from the others was the same. Brian was stuck between suspicion and self-consciousness, breaking out only for the odd showing of inappropriateness. Kevin followed Brian’s lead, stumbling from one embarrassed mistake to the next and even Charlotte, whom Malcolm couldn’t imagine ever being boring, was playing a peculiarly low-key hand, spending most of her time with her mouth shut and her eyes down. Malcolm had seen church services with more sexual undertone. He hit pause on the camera and walked towards the table.
‘Look guys, this really isn’t working out. I know it’s meant to be fly-on-the-wall stuff and we asked you to just act naturally, but, well you’re being more than natural. You’re being boring. It’s okay to pretend a little bit. It’s meant to be about sex, remember. You’re meant to be interested in each other.’
‘That’s not really fair,’ Brian protested. ‘I’ve been having a go, with my foot, underneath the table. You just couldn’t see it.’
‘But we’re meant to see it, aren’t we? That’s sort of the point of a documentary.’
‘I’m just too subtle for you, that’s all,’ Brian
She offered for their inspection what appeared to be some sort of stew, oozing over a drowned layer of rice, and half a burnt pita bread balanced decoratively on one side.
‘It tastes better than it looks,’ she assured them, although the smell lent no support to her opinion. ‘Of course, I don’t suppose your mind is really on the food tonight is it?’ She turned her attention to Juliet. ‘Which one are you with dear?’
‘She’s with me,’ Brian informed the woman. ‘Here comes Kevin’s date now.’
‘Oh, my, well that’s all very sweet, isn’t it. Be good.’ She stood her ground long enough to look Charlotte up and down, then returned to her inert companion.
‘Hi,’ Charlotte greeted them. ‘Who was that?’
‘Kev’s Mum,’ Brian quipped.
‘Was not.’
‘Hi, Malcolm.’ She gave the camera a little smile that kicked at Malcolm’s heart.
‘Don’t look at the camera,’ he told her. ‘Just pretend I’m not here.’ Life could be so unfair.
‘Oh, all right then. Have we ordered?’
‘We were waiting for you.’
‘Sorry I’m late. Last minute attack of nerves.’ And again she looked at Malcolm and smiled, and this time he chose not to reprimand her. He could always edit it out later, or save it on a special file.
‘So, can I take your orders then?’ The redhead had ghosted up behind them and stood waiting, notepaper in hand and his eyes flicking to Juliet whenever he thought she wasn’t watching. Malcolm watched and filmed.
‘Do you have anything that isn’t even a little bit like what she’s eating?’ Juliet asked, pointing to the other table.
‘It’s all on the menu,’ he replied. ‘But most of it’s a bit crap, to be honest. It’s nicer across the road, you should have gone there.’
‘Can I just have this thing here, with the salad please,’ Charlotte asked. It was her nose he liked best, Malcolm decided. It had a lot of personality, for a nose. It seemed to take the lead in forming the face’s expressions, and looked just as good in close-up.
‘I’ll have the chicken breast,’ Brian said. ‘And so will Kev.’
Kevin, who didn’t appear to have fully recovered from his earlier embarrassment, mumbled his assent.
‘And you?’ the waiter asked Juliet.
‘I don’t know. You choose. Whatever you think’s least crap.’
‘Probably the burger. It’s hard to ruin a burger.’
The waiter walked away and it was immediately apparent that any hope of conversation had walked off with him. Malcolm tried to be patient; he reasoned that they were nervous, and would soon relax. But reason soon gave way to frustration. It wasn’t as if Juliet wasn’t trying. No matter what she said, however, the response from the others was the same. Brian was stuck between suspicion and self-consciousness, breaking out only for the odd showing of inappropriateness. Kevin followed Brian’s lead, stumbling from one embarrassed mistake to the next and even Charlotte, whom Malcolm couldn’t imagine ever being boring, was playing a peculiarly low-key hand, spending most of her time with her mouth shut and her eyes down. Malcolm had seen church services with more sexual undertone. He hit pause on the camera and walked towards the table.
‘Look guys, this really isn’t working out. I know it’s meant to be fly-on-the-wall stuff and we asked you to just act naturally, but, well you’re being more than natural. You’re being boring. It’s okay to pretend a little bit. It’s meant to be about sex, remember. You’re meant to be interested in each other.’
‘That’s not really fair,’ Brian protested. ‘I’ve been having a go, with my foot, underneath the table. You just couldn’t see it.’
‘But we’re meant to see it, aren’t we? That’s sort of the point of a documentary.’
‘I’m just too subtle for you, that’s all,’ Brian
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