her eyes, or fear.
‘It’s, it wasn’t me.’
‘What wasn’t you?’
‘At the picnic. Up the tree.’
I’d hoped it would be that easy, that she’d understand straight away, but her eyes
remained empty.
‘Of course it wasn’t you.’
‘No, I mean…remember how I told you, when we were little, me and Theo would swap
places? We swapped. Just this one time, I swear. Just today. I’m him, I’m me. I’m
Rene.’
I was sure, if she looked at me, properly looked at me, she had to see. How could
she not see?
‘You’re sick.’
‘I know. It was an awful thing to…’
‘How could…He’s your brother, Theo. Just for once in your life, have a little bit
of fucking respect for him.’
‘Emily, just…’
She stood up, but there was nowhere for her to go.
‘And you shouldn’t, by the way. You shouldn’t go through with this sick plan of theirs.’
Emily turned to Maggie. ‘You’ve told him that, right? You’ve told him the last thing
this world needs is two Theos.’
‘Emily, I need you to—’
‘I don’t care what you need. I don’t owe you anything, okay? One pissy little night,
I was drunk. I don’t even remember it. How many times do I have to tell you I don’t
even remember it?’
A small tear in the curtain, a glimpse of the world that had shadowed my own. Any
other time, I would have asked.
‘Emily, please sit down.’ Maggie’s voice was calm and clear.
We both turned to her. The first sliver of doubt lined Emily’s face. She sank back
into the couch.
‘Don’t take his side,’ Emily whispered. ‘You don’t know him. He’ll manipulate—’
‘Emily,’ Maggie said. ‘I’ve come here to apologise to you. I should have done a
better job of checking the details. That, in part, is how this has happened. We should
have known much sooner. You should have been told.’
‘Known what?’ Emily shook her head, as if trying to dislodge the possibility. ‘What
didn’t you tell me?’
‘Rene is telling you the truth.’
Beneath every face, there is another face, the one revealed when the defences collapse
and vulnerability turns to despair. When it’s a face you love, the sadness is overwhelming.
‘You don’t know that. You can’t know that.’ Emily looked up at Maggie. ‘He is lying
to you. Theo, you’re an arsehole. Tell her you’re lying.’
‘We chose the new paint for the flat together,’ I said. ‘Last Tuesday. You wanted
the peach, but the painter explained to you how much brighter it would be when you
saw the whole wall.’
‘Rene told you that. So what?’
‘When we hold hands, you take your little finger and press it against my palm.’
‘He tells you everything. I told him not to. I told him it isn’t healthy. You sucked
him dry. You know that don’t you?’
I could have thought of a hundred different secrets to tell her, but belief, in the
end, doesn’t turn on evidence. And the truth was, she knew. She already knew.
Emily might have hugged me. She might have been so glad I was still alive, that nothing
else mattered. A tiny part of me expected it. But she didn’t, and I knew then how
hard it would now be to ever believe she had loved me.
‘If I had my time over,’ I said.
‘You’d do it differently,’ she replied. ‘Who the fuck wouldn’t?’
Emily moved toward the door. I began to follow her, but Maggie’s hand was on my arm.
‘You have to wait,’ Maggie said. ‘Let her come back to you, when she’s ready.’
‘I need her now,’ I answered.
‘I know you do.’
It felt as if I was the one still point in a world of flux: that every moment, past
and future, was moving away from me.
‘Take me back to my brother, please.’
Let me hold him. Let him anchor me.
12
I crawled onto his bed. Maggie didn’t try to stop me. I left my tears on his cheek.
I felt his hip bone dig into my stomach, his bony runner’s hip. At some point I stood.
I looked down at the face that was no longer his. He was empty, a puppet
‘It’s, it wasn’t me.’
‘What wasn’t you?’
‘At the picnic. Up the tree.’
I’d hoped it would be that easy, that she’d understand straight away, but her eyes
remained empty.
‘Of course it wasn’t you.’
‘No, I mean…remember how I told you, when we were little, me and Theo would swap
places? We swapped. Just this one time, I swear. Just today. I’m him, I’m me. I’m
Rene.’
I was sure, if she looked at me, properly looked at me, she had to see. How could
she not see?
‘You’re sick.’
‘I know. It was an awful thing to…’
‘How could…He’s your brother, Theo. Just for once in your life, have a little bit
of fucking respect for him.’
‘Emily, just…’
She stood up, but there was nowhere for her to go.
‘And you shouldn’t, by the way. You shouldn’t go through with this sick plan of theirs.’
Emily turned to Maggie. ‘You’ve told him that, right? You’ve told him the last thing
this world needs is two Theos.’
‘Emily, I need you to—’
‘I don’t care what you need. I don’t owe you anything, okay? One pissy little night,
I was drunk. I don’t even remember it. How many times do I have to tell you I don’t
even remember it?’
A small tear in the curtain, a glimpse of the world that had shadowed my own. Any
other time, I would have asked.
‘Emily, please sit down.’ Maggie’s voice was calm and clear.
We both turned to her. The first sliver of doubt lined Emily’s face. She sank back
into the couch.
‘Don’t take his side,’ Emily whispered. ‘You don’t know him. He’ll manipulate—’
‘Emily,’ Maggie said. ‘I’ve come here to apologise to you. I should have done a
better job of checking the details. That, in part, is how this has happened. We should
have known much sooner. You should have been told.’
‘Known what?’ Emily shook her head, as if trying to dislodge the possibility. ‘What
didn’t you tell me?’
‘Rene is telling you the truth.’
Beneath every face, there is another face, the one revealed when the defences collapse
and vulnerability turns to despair. When it’s a face you love, the sadness is overwhelming.
‘You don’t know that. You can’t know that.’ Emily looked up at Maggie. ‘He is lying
to you. Theo, you’re an arsehole. Tell her you’re lying.’
‘We chose the new paint for the flat together,’ I said. ‘Last Tuesday. You wanted
the peach, but the painter explained to you how much brighter it would be when you
saw the whole wall.’
‘Rene told you that. So what?’
‘When we hold hands, you take your little finger and press it against my palm.’
‘He tells you everything. I told him not to. I told him it isn’t healthy. You sucked
him dry. You know that don’t you?’
I could have thought of a hundred different secrets to tell her, but belief, in the
end, doesn’t turn on evidence. And the truth was, she knew. She already knew.
Emily might have hugged me. She might have been so glad I was still alive, that nothing
else mattered. A tiny part of me expected it. But she didn’t, and I knew then how
hard it would now be to ever believe she had loved me.
‘If I had my time over,’ I said.
‘You’d do it differently,’ she replied. ‘Who the fuck wouldn’t?’
Emily moved toward the door. I began to follow her, but Maggie’s hand was on my arm.
‘You have to wait,’ Maggie said. ‘Let her come back to you, when she’s ready.’
‘I need her now,’ I answered.
‘I know you do.’
It felt as if I was the one still point in a world of flux: that every moment, past
and future, was moving away from me.
‘Take me back to my brother, please.’
Let me hold him. Let him anchor me.
12
I crawled onto his bed. Maggie didn’t try to stop me. I left my tears on his cheek.
I felt his hip bone dig into my stomach, his bony runner’s hip. At some point I stood.
I looked down at the face that was no longer his. He was empty, a puppet
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