table.
Another
One
Bites
The
Dust.
117.
Margot comes to pick me up
on Saturday morning for work.
She and Ms. Francine have a
kitchen table conference
over coffee and the donuts she brought.
Ms. Francine never eats sweets for breakfast
she must be stressed.
Before I walk in the room
I take a moment and loom
behind the door.
Half wanting to hear
Ms. F say she hates me being around and wants me gone.
Half wanting to hear
Margot say I suck as a window washer and wants me gone.
Half wanting to hear them say
I am a nut job like my
Mother
Father
Brother
And they’d all be better off if I was gone.
Instead I hear them say, “She just pushes away, like I did after Hudson. I understand why, I just wish she’d talk.”
“She isn’t going to talk, not until after the hearing. She’s too mixed up right now. Just the timing is so bad. To have this happen right after Benji’s attempt.”
“So much for a girl to take.”
I’ve heard enough “stuff”
that I don’t knowwanthave to process.
I’m stuck, my feet and my heart.
I can’t move on.
I can’t walk in to where they are
they’d see that written on my face.
From the hallway I shout, “I’m going to the car, Margot. I’ll be waiting for you, no rush.”
I turn and go
because I don’t want them to know
that all the things they say are true.
Because all I know is this:
They might leave me too.
118.
“Benji, it’s me again.” I start to say
but the usual message doesn’t beep in right away
instead a real woman’s voice is on the other end,
a voice talking.
“What?” I say.
“Your brother Benji can’t receive calls right now. He’s been under a lot of stress lately and isn’t able to talk on the phone.”
“Well, can I come visit then?”
“I’m afraid he isn’t able to accept visitors at this time, either.”
“What do you mean? I’m his sister. I just need to talk to him. For just like, five minutes. Please?”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been getting your messages and I emailed Terry explaining why I can’t allow you or anyone access to him, right now.”
I start to feel like that girl again
the fierce one
nothing to lose one
wanting to prove to someone
that I can fight.
119.
Terry’s office is cold.
Just like the January never fading
frost
surrounding me, protecting me.
Just like the icy wall building around my heart.
I look over at her, sitting there.
I’ve decided to stare
her down.
“Sorry it’s so cold. The heater is broken and you know, budget cuts.”
She throws her hands in the air like I know
something about budget cuts.
“I got an email from Sherry over at the IPU, where Benji is. She said she’s received several messages from you wanting to talk to Benji.”
I nod my head, slow.
“Okay, so I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear. Benji will be there for a while. While he’s on this particular floor he can’t receive contact from anyone. When he moves to a different floor, and is more stable, you’ll be able to visit him.”
“So, like, he’s on lock down? For what? He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Louisa, no one said he did anything wrong. But there was a reason I didn’t just hand you a contact sheet for him. He’s under twenty-four-hour care right now.”
“What, so he doesn’t kill himself? I told you, that was an accident.”
NO ONE LISTENS TO ME.
“I need you to calm down. Please just try and understand. Benji needs protection from himself, he’s very fragile right now and extremely explosive.”
“This doesn’t make sense.”
“I wish I had better news to share, but Benji has attempted suicide two more times since you saw him in December.”
“What are you talking about? He tried to kill himself again? He’s just a little boy. He was fine before. Before you guys starting messing with him. Before
Another
One
Bites
The
Dust.
117.
Margot comes to pick me up
on Saturday morning for work.
She and Ms. Francine have a
kitchen table conference
over coffee and the donuts she brought.
Ms. Francine never eats sweets for breakfast
she must be stressed.
Before I walk in the room
I take a moment and loom
behind the door.
Half wanting to hear
Ms. F say she hates me being around and wants me gone.
Half wanting to hear
Margot say I suck as a window washer and wants me gone.
Half wanting to hear them say
I am a nut job like my
Mother
Father
Brother
And they’d all be better off if I was gone.
Instead I hear them say, “She just pushes away, like I did after Hudson. I understand why, I just wish she’d talk.”
“She isn’t going to talk, not until after the hearing. She’s too mixed up right now. Just the timing is so bad. To have this happen right after Benji’s attempt.”
“So much for a girl to take.”
I’ve heard enough “stuff”
that I don’t knowwanthave to process.
I’m stuck, my feet and my heart.
I can’t move on.
I can’t walk in to where they are
they’d see that written on my face.
From the hallway I shout, “I’m going to the car, Margot. I’ll be waiting for you, no rush.”
I turn and go
because I don’t want them to know
that all the things they say are true.
Because all I know is this:
They might leave me too.
118.
“Benji, it’s me again.” I start to say
but the usual message doesn’t beep in right away
instead a real woman’s voice is on the other end,
a voice talking.
“What?” I say.
“Your brother Benji can’t receive calls right now. He’s been under a lot of stress lately and isn’t able to talk on the phone.”
“Well, can I come visit then?”
“I’m afraid he isn’t able to accept visitors at this time, either.”
“What do you mean? I’m his sister. I just need to talk to him. For just like, five minutes. Please?”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been getting your messages and I emailed Terry explaining why I can’t allow you or anyone access to him, right now.”
I start to feel like that girl again
the fierce one
nothing to lose one
wanting to prove to someone
that I can fight.
119.
Terry’s office is cold.
Just like the January never fading
frost
surrounding me, protecting me.
Just like the icy wall building around my heart.
I look over at her, sitting there.
I’ve decided to stare
her down.
“Sorry it’s so cold. The heater is broken and you know, budget cuts.”
She throws her hands in the air like I know
something about budget cuts.
“I got an email from Sherry over at the IPU, where Benji is. She said she’s received several messages from you wanting to talk to Benji.”
I nod my head, slow.
“Okay, so I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear. Benji will be there for a while. While he’s on this particular floor he can’t receive contact from anyone. When he moves to a different floor, and is more stable, you’ll be able to visit him.”
“So, like, he’s on lock down? For what? He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Louisa, no one said he did anything wrong. But there was a reason I didn’t just hand you a contact sheet for him. He’s under twenty-four-hour care right now.”
“What, so he doesn’t kill himself? I told you, that was an accident.”
NO ONE LISTENS TO ME.
“I need you to calm down. Please just try and understand. Benji needs protection from himself, he’s very fragile right now and extremely explosive.”
“This doesn’t make sense.”
“I wish I had better news to share, but Benji has attempted suicide two more times since you saw him in December.”
“What are you talking about? He tried to kill himself again? He’s just a little boy. He was fine before. Before you guys starting messing with him. Before
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