show.
“Yeah. Thanks again for taking me, did it ruin your plans.”
“My plans aren’t ruined. Besides it isn’t even eleven o’clock yet. The night’s still young.” She smiles, looks over at me
as she drives on the freeway. “Do you have any intentions, something you want to work toward in the New Year?”
I can’t answer her.
I saw her crying back
at the club.
I want to know how she stood up again
after being broke down.
I want to know how I can do the same.
I want to ask her if that’s why
she’s alone
taking broken kids into her home.
I want to ask her if that is why
she cares about me
if it’s because she can see
parts of
me
I try
so hard
to
hide?
“Um. I want to…um…I don’t know? I guess I need to think about it.”
It is all I can formulate
articulate
compensate.
“Well, let me know if you come up with any. I’m going to type mine up and tape them to the fridge.”
“Okay. I’ll let you know.”
And I would.
Just as soon as
I figure out
what I want.
110.
I’ve tried to call him
seventeen times.
I’ve left messages
with the secretary at the “home”
with his counselor
with the social worker guy
and still the machine tells me to leave
a message
after the tone.
So I do.
Again.
“Benji, hey it’s Louisa. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy New Year. I’ve called before, but I guess I keep missing you. I love you.”
I hang up.
Missing him on the first day of
The New Year.
111.
I hate going back to school
after a break.
Even though I’ve been working at the 6-Spot
nonstop
it’s so much better than class.
I don’t have to face Jess
at work.
I open the fridge to get breakfast.
Yogurt and strawberries.
I shut the door and see
Ms. F’s
typed list posted clear as day.
NEW YEARS INTENTIONS:
Exercise more
Okay, I get that, that’s like everyone’s’ resolution
Apply to a program to earn my Master’s Degree
I thought she had a job?
Go on a big road trip
Where does she want to go?
Get back in contact with M.
Who’s M? Why’s she being so cryptic?
Roommate???
Roommate? Is she going to get rid of me?
Suddenly I’m too worked up
to eat breakfast.
If Ms. F hadn’t left for work I’d
probably blow up at her
tell her
what I thought about her list
posted for me to see
that she was planning on living a
life without me.
Whatever.
And what?
If she were here like
I’d really just walk up to
her and say what the fuck?
I don’t do confrontation.
Whatever.
I run to the bus.
112.
Jess avoids me like the plague.
Great.
It’s not like I expected otherwise.
I’m obviously good at
pushing all the people
who matter away.
Live life on the fray.
Why the hell am I still
thinking about Ms. F anyway?
God.
This day is seriously sucking
and then I see
Markus
and he walks up to me
in the hallway and says, “Don’t be such a bitch, Louisa.”
I turn away
because I deserve it
and tears burn
my eyes
and I brush them away
thinking this
is such a shitty day.
113.
It gets worse.
My appointment with my mom
turns into an appointment with
Terry and the social worker guy
and some other lady who’s sitting at the table with
a file folder
the size
of her ass.
Big.
And my mom is
NOT PRESENT
We are gathered here today
they say
formally
I look at Terry warily
who looks at me with
sympathy,
but it feels an awful lot like
pity.
My stomach turns.
I know what’s coming.
I grip my stomach because I just know.
I haven’t been in the system
for two years
with a dad in prison for
rape, molestation,
physicalmentalemotional
abuse
and not know what’s coming
when a mom consistently never shows
up
after her son has
a suicide attempt.
There isn’t much left
for me
to hold
onto
except my own
two hands.
I press them against my stomach
the one
“Yeah. Thanks again for taking me, did it ruin your plans.”
“My plans aren’t ruined. Besides it isn’t even eleven o’clock yet. The night’s still young.” She smiles, looks over at me
as she drives on the freeway. “Do you have any intentions, something you want to work toward in the New Year?”
I can’t answer her.
I saw her crying back
at the club.
I want to know how she stood up again
after being broke down.
I want to know how I can do the same.
I want to ask her if that’s why
she’s alone
taking broken kids into her home.
I want to ask her if that is why
she cares about me
if it’s because she can see
parts of
me
I try
so hard
to
hide?
“Um. I want to…um…I don’t know? I guess I need to think about it.”
It is all I can formulate
articulate
compensate.
“Well, let me know if you come up with any. I’m going to type mine up and tape them to the fridge.”
“Okay. I’ll let you know.”
And I would.
Just as soon as
I figure out
what I want.
110.
I’ve tried to call him
seventeen times.
I’ve left messages
with the secretary at the “home”
with his counselor
with the social worker guy
and still the machine tells me to leave
a message
after the tone.
So I do.
Again.
“Benji, hey it’s Louisa. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy New Year. I’ve called before, but I guess I keep missing you. I love you.”
I hang up.
Missing him on the first day of
The New Year.
111.
I hate going back to school
after a break.
Even though I’ve been working at the 6-Spot
nonstop
it’s so much better than class.
I don’t have to face Jess
at work.
I open the fridge to get breakfast.
Yogurt and strawberries.
I shut the door and see
Ms. F’s
typed list posted clear as day.
NEW YEARS INTENTIONS:
Exercise more
Okay, I get that, that’s like everyone’s’ resolution
Apply to a program to earn my Master’s Degree
I thought she had a job?
Go on a big road trip
Where does she want to go?
Get back in contact with M.
Who’s M? Why’s she being so cryptic?
Roommate???
Roommate? Is she going to get rid of me?
Suddenly I’m too worked up
to eat breakfast.
If Ms. F hadn’t left for work I’d
probably blow up at her
tell her
what I thought about her list
posted for me to see
that she was planning on living a
life without me.
Whatever.
And what?
If she were here like
I’d really just walk up to
her and say what the fuck?
I don’t do confrontation.
Whatever.
I run to the bus.
112.
Jess avoids me like the plague.
Great.
It’s not like I expected otherwise.
I’m obviously good at
pushing all the people
who matter away.
Live life on the fray.
Why the hell am I still
thinking about Ms. F anyway?
God.
This day is seriously sucking
and then I see
Markus
and he walks up to me
in the hallway and says, “Don’t be such a bitch, Louisa.”
I turn away
because I deserve it
and tears burn
my eyes
and I brush them away
thinking this
is such a shitty day.
113.
It gets worse.
My appointment with my mom
turns into an appointment with
Terry and the social worker guy
and some other lady who’s sitting at the table with
a file folder
the size
of her ass.
Big.
And my mom is
NOT PRESENT
We are gathered here today
they say
formally
I look at Terry warily
who looks at me with
sympathy,
but it feels an awful lot like
pity.
My stomach turns.
I know what’s coming.
I grip my stomach because I just know.
I haven’t been in the system
for two years
with a dad in prison for
rape, molestation,
physicalmentalemotional
abuse
and not know what’s coming
when a mom consistently never shows
up
after her son has
a suicide attempt.
There isn’t much left
for me
to hold
onto
except my own
two hands.
I press them against my stomach
the one
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