you’re doing for me. Believe me, darling, I don’t take your love for granted.’
‘Yes, well,’ said Katie. ‘Don’t you think it’s time you got yourself some sleep? Is there anything you need? A fresh glass of water? How about a pee?’
‘Do you know what I’d really like?’ John told her, still wiping the tears from his eyelashes.
Katie was already halfway out of her chair. He folded back the blanket and said, ‘If you could just hold me. If you could just prove to me that I’m still in working order.’
He raised the blanket higher but Katie continued to keep her eyes on his face and didn’t look down.
‘I love you, Katie, you know that, in spite of everything that’s happened. As soon as I landed back at SFX I realised that I shouldn’t have walked out on you. There’s never going to be anybody else for me, ever. Only you. Hair like rubies, eyes like the sea.’
He kept the blanket lifted but still Katie didn’t look down and still she made no move to sit down again. She was desperately trying to think of words to say to him that wouldn’t crush him, and that wouldn’t rip her apart from head to foot with guilt.
‘John,’ she said, gently, and she prayed that her smile wasn’t too patronising. ‘You’re still very sick. You’re up to your ears in drugs. If I started to mess around like that, God alone knows what strain it could put on your stitches. What would your doctors say to me if we had to rush you back into hospital because – well, because of that?’
John slowly lowered the blanket. ‘Okay,’ he said, although she couldn’t tell from his expression or his tone of voice whether he believed her or not. Did he realise that she was making an excuse not to masturbate him because she was no longer sure that she loved him? She bent over and kissed him very lightly on the lips, but stood up straight again before he could put his arm around her shoulders and pull her down closer.
‘Goodnight, John,’ she said, blowing him another kiss with her fingertips. ‘Sleep well. Don’t think of yourself ever as being small. You were never small before and you never will be now. You’re a giant.’
John gave her a shrug, but he didn’t look convinced. She switched off his bedside lamp and went to the door.
‘I’ll leave the door open in case you need anything. Bridie will be here at nine.’
‘I love you, Katie Maguire,’ he said, out of the darkness. His voice sounded hollow, like a hermit in a cave.
9
John was still asleep by the time Bridie arrived the following morning.
‘How’s he been?’ she asked, heaving off her bulging navy-blue back-pack and smacking the raindrops off it. ‘Not too much bother, I hope?’
‘No, no bother at all,’ Katie told her. She was about to say that he had slept like a baby, but then she thought of Seamus and she stopped herself. She looked across at the clock on the mantelpiece and said, ‘I have to go now, but I shouldn’t be back too late so.’
‘John has an appointment with Doctor Kashani tomorrow morning at eleven-thirty,’ Bridie reminded her. ‘That’s to see if he’s ready yet for the next stage of his prosthetics. I’ll take him there myself of course but you might want to meet us there.’
‘I’m up the walls with work at the moment, but I’ll try.’
‘It’s just in case you want to ask Doctor Kashani direct about John’s long-term treatment. You know – when he might expect to start walking again, and what medication he’s going to have to take, and for how long, and such, do you know what I mean?’
‘Like I say, Bridie, I’ll do my best.’
‘And of course there’s the psychological side to it. Some of the amputees I’ve taken care of, they’ve taken a brave few years to get used to losing their arms or their legs or whatever. And it’s quare, you know, the fitter they were before their ampumatation, the more depressed they are about it. They keep staring at the place where their leg or their
‘Yes, well,’ said Katie. ‘Don’t you think it’s time you got yourself some sleep? Is there anything you need? A fresh glass of water? How about a pee?’
‘Do you know what I’d really like?’ John told her, still wiping the tears from his eyelashes.
Katie was already halfway out of her chair. He folded back the blanket and said, ‘If you could just hold me. If you could just prove to me that I’m still in working order.’
He raised the blanket higher but Katie continued to keep her eyes on his face and didn’t look down.
‘I love you, Katie, you know that, in spite of everything that’s happened. As soon as I landed back at SFX I realised that I shouldn’t have walked out on you. There’s never going to be anybody else for me, ever. Only you. Hair like rubies, eyes like the sea.’
He kept the blanket lifted but still Katie didn’t look down and still she made no move to sit down again. She was desperately trying to think of words to say to him that wouldn’t crush him, and that wouldn’t rip her apart from head to foot with guilt.
‘John,’ she said, gently, and she prayed that her smile wasn’t too patronising. ‘You’re still very sick. You’re up to your ears in drugs. If I started to mess around like that, God alone knows what strain it could put on your stitches. What would your doctors say to me if we had to rush you back into hospital because – well, because of that?’
John slowly lowered the blanket. ‘Okay,’ he said, although she couldn’t tell from his expression or his tone of voice whether he believed her or not. Did he realise that she was making an excuse not to masturbate him because she was no longer sure that she loved him? She bent over and kissed him very lightly on the lips, but stood up straight again before he could put his arm around her shoulders and pull her down closer.
‘Goodnight, John,’ she said, blowing him another kiss with her fingertips. ‘Sleep well. Don’t think of yourself ever as being small. You were never small before and you never will be now. You’re a giant.’
John gave her a shrug, but he didn’t look convinced. She switched off his bedside lamp and went to the door.
‘I’ll leave the door open in case you need anything. Bridie will be here at nine.’
‘I love you, Katie Maguire,’ he said, out of the darkness. His voice sounded hollow, like a hermit in a cave.
9
John was still asleep by the time Bridie arrived the following morning.
‘How’s he been?’ she asked, heaving off her bulging navy-blue back-pack and smacking the raindrops off it. ‘Not too much bother, I hope?’
‘No, no bother at all,’ Katie told her. She was about to say that he had slept like a baby, but then she thought of Seamus and she stopped herself. She looked across at the clock on the mantelpiece and said, ‘I have to go now, but I shouldn’t be back too late so.’
‘John has an appointment with Doctor Kashani tomorrow morning at eleven-thirty,’ Bridie reminded her. ‘That’s to see if he’s ready yet for the next stage of his prosthetics. I’ll take him there myself of course but you might want to meet us there.’
‘I’m up the walls with work at the moment, but I’ll try.’
‘It’s just in case you want to ask Doctor Kashani direct about John’s long-term treatment. You know – when he might expect to start walking again, and what medication he’s going to have to take, and for how long, and such, do you know what I mean?’
‘Like I say, Bridie, I’ll do my best.’
‘And of course there’s the psychological side to it. Some of the amputees I’ve taken care of, they’ve taken a brave few years to get used to losing their arms or their legs or whatever. And it’s quare, you know, the fitter they were before their ampumatation, the more depressed they are about it. They keep staring at the place where their leg or their
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