Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster) by Dave Barry

he said, in our only off-air communication: “I used to try to do do-it-yourself projects. (
Pause.
) You can’t do shit yourself.”
    I do not relate this anecdote to let you know that I had a funny personal moment with Johnny Carson and you did not. * I relate this anecdote because Johnny Carson was making an important point, which is that the entire massive do-it-yourself industry is built on a LIE; namely, that you can in fact do it yourself.
    The worst offender is Home Depot. This is the giant store chain that runs TV commercials in which eager, attractive young couples, assisted by helpful smiling Home Depot employees, look excitedly at tile samples or pieces of wood and then—approximately eight seconds later, after a brief scene in which they are wielding paintbrushes or drilling a hole while wearing safety glasses—they’re standing happily in
a brand-new modern kitchen that they did entirely themselves
.
    Really, Home Depot? That has not been my experience with your store. I do not see attractive couples there, eager to tackle major projects. I see beaten-down people whose houses are broken, glumly pushing huge orange carts down endless aisles and standing in utter bafflement in front of vast, daunting displays of house parts they do not understand, wondering whether they should get the five-and-three-eighths one with the ribbed flange, or the seven-and-nine-sixteenths one with the reverse coupling, or maybe the thirty-seven-millimeter one (whatever a “millimeter” is) or maybe just grab the one that says AS SEEN ON TV, knowing in their hearts that whatever one they pick, it probably won’t work, and even it does, it will eventually break, because it is part of a house.
    You know how drug commercials on TV are required to have disclaimers, so that after they tell you how great the drug is, they tell you it can have negative side effects such as death? I think they should require disclaimers like that on Home Depot commercials. At the end, when they’re showing the happy couple in their new do-it-yourself kitchen, an announcer would say: “These people are actors. They are not capable of operating an espresso machine, let alone building this kitchen. This was done by contractors with trucks.”
    Or maybe just: “Home Depot. You can’t do shit yourself.”
    I’d like to see somebody open a chain of stores called “Reality Hardware.” When homeowners wanted to tackle a home-improvement project, they’d go to Reality Hardware and discuss it with a knowledgeable employee, who would talk them through it.
    HOMEOWNER: I want to install a ceiling fan.
    EMPLOYEE: Really?
    HOMEOWNER: Yes.
    EMPLOYEE: You want to install a machine with long, sharp blades whirling at high speeds directly over the heads of live human beings?
    HOMEOWNER: Well, yes.
    EMPLOYEE: I see. And do you have any particular expertise in this area? Any training in the field of ceiling fan installation?
    HOMEOWNER: Um, no, not in ceiling fan installation per se.
    EMPLOYEE: In what, then?
    HOMEOWNER: I’m a dentist.
    EMPLOYEE: I see. And would you be comfortable having a professional ceiling fan installer give you a root canal?
    HOMEOWNER: Well, no. But that’s a diff—
    EMPLOYEE: I’d like you to take a look at this photograph of a recent “do-it-yourself” ceiling fan installation.
    HOMEOWNER: My God. Is that—
    EMPLOYEE: Yes. His hand. It landed eight feet away.
    HOMEOWNER: I think I’ll hire a professional.
    EMPLOYEE: Yes. With a truck.
    HOMEOWNER: Well, can I at least buy the fan here?
    EMPLOYEE: We don’t sell fans at Reality Hardware. We don’t sell any house parts. Or tools.
    HOMEOWNER: Well, what do you sell?
    EMPLOYEE: Tupperware.

GOOGLE GLASS: A REVIEW
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    I Have Seen the Future, but I Had Trouble Reading It

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    Before you read this review of Google Glass, I want to stress that I am totally “down” with modern