Literary Lapses by Stephen Leacock Page A

beautiful.
    No. 6 . Large silver coin. Circular. Inscription, “One Dollar.” United States of America. Very valuable.
    No. 7 . Ancient British copper coin. Probably time of Caractacus. Very dim. Inscription, “Victoria Dei gratia regina.” Very valuable.
    No. 8 . Silver coin. Evidently French. Inscription, “Fünf Mark. Kaiser Wilhelm.”
    No. 9 . Circular silver coin. Very much defaced. Part of inscription, “E Pluribus Unum.” Probably a Russian rouble, but quite as likely to be a Japanese yen or a Shanghai rooster.
    That’s as far as that collection got. It lasted through most of the winter and I was getting quite proud of it, but I took the coins down town one evening to show to a friend and we spent No. 3, No. 4, No. 5, No. 6 and No. 7 in buying a little dinner for two. After dinner I bought a yen’s worth of cigarsand traded the relic of Caligula for as many hot Scotches as they cared to advance on it. After that I felt reckless and put No. 2 and No. 8 into a Children’s Hospital poor box.
    I tried fossils next. I got two in ten years. Then I quit.
    A friend of mine once showed me a very fine collection of ancient and curious weapons, and for a time I was full of that idea. I gathered several interesting specimens, such as:
    No. 1 . Old flint-lock musket, used by my grandfather. (He used it on the farm for years as a crowbar.)
    No. 2 . Old raw-hide strap, used by my father.
    No. 3 . Ancient Indian arrowhead, found by myself the very day after I began collecting. It resembles a three-cornered stone.
    No. 4 . Ancient Indian bow, found by myself behind a sawmill on the second day of my collecting. It resembles a straight stick of elm or oak. It is interesting to think that this very weapon may have figured in some fierce scene of savage warfare.
    No. 5 . Cannibal poniard or straight-handled dagger of the South Sea Islands. It will give the reader almost a thrill of horror to learn that this atrocious weapon, which I bought myself on the third day of collecting, was actually exposed in a second-hand store as a family carving-knife. In gazing at it one cannot refrain from conjuring up the awful scenes it must have witnessed.
    I kept this collection for quite a long while until, in a moment of infatuation, I presented it to a young lady as a betrothal present. The gift proved too ostentatious and our relations subsequently ceased to be cordial.
    On the whole I am inclined to recommend the beginner to confine himself to collecting coins. At present I am myself making a collection of American bills (time of Taft preferred), a pursuit I find most absorbing.

 
    SOCIETY CHIT-CHAT
    AS IT SHOULD BE WRITTEN
    I notice that it is customary for the daily papers to publish a column or so of society gossip. They generally head it “Chit-Chat,” or “On Dit,” or “Le Boudoir,” or something of the sort, and they keep it pretty full of French terms to give it the proper sort of swing. These columns may be very interesting in their way, but it always seems to me that they don’t get hold of quite the right things to tell us about. They are very fond, for instance, of giving an account of the delightful dance at Mrs. De Smythe’s–at which Mrs. De Smythe looked charming in a gown of old tulle with a stomacher of passementerie–or of the dinner-party at Mr. Alonzo Robinson’s residence, or the smart pink tea given by Miss Carlotta Jones. No, that’s all right, but it’s not the kind of thing we want to get at; those are not the events which happen in our neighbours’ houses that we really want to hear about. It is the quiet little family scenes, the little traits of home-life that–well, for example, take the case of that delightful party at the De Smythes. I am certain that all those who were present would much prefer a little paragraph like the following, which would give them someidea of the home-life of the De Smythes on the