We’ll spend a hundred grand, two hundred grand -whatever. Maybe we’ll have it on an island somewhere, by the water. How about Hawaii? Rick Reynolds - maybe you heard of him - he’s a pitcher for us, used to play for the Cubs? Really cool dude. Anyway, Rick got married last year out on Maui, said it was fuckin’ spectacular. You’ll spend fifty grand just on your dress and you’ll invite anybody you want to, all your family and friends, and then the exclusive photos will come out. We’ll get my PR guy to leak them; then they’ll be in every newspaper in the country.’
Christina stayed deadpan for a while, then finally said, ‘This is a joke, right? I mean, we barely see each other anymore. When was the last time I spoke to you on the phone, two months ago?’
‘What’re you talking about? I called you last week.’
‘Yeah, for two minutes - to tell me you were coming home.’
‘Come on, baby, try to understand - I’m not just a baseball player; I’m a
celebrity.
I’d love to spend an hour on the phone with you every day, but I’ve got people on my back twenty-four, seven.’ Jake’s cell phone started making a farting sound, the ring tone he’d set for calls from his agent. ‘See what I mean?’
He clicked on and said to Stu Fox, ‘What’s the good news?’
‘Don’t got any good news,’ Stu Fox said. ‘I got bad and I got very bad.’
‘Gimme the bad.’
‘Ken won’t budge. Nixed the limo, nixed the private trainer.’
‘You tell him I’m not reporting to spring training?’
‘No, I didn’t tell him that.’
‘Call him back and tell him that now. Tell him I’ll sit out the whole season if I have to.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jake. Think about it - next year’s your contract year.’
‘So?’
‘So don’t you think it’s best to make like a model citizen, not rock the boat?’
‘Just take care of it,’ Jake said, and clicked off. Then he said to Christina, ‘Sorry ‘bout that, baby - what was I saying? Right, the wedding . . . Look, I know we haven’t seen a lot of each other lately, but that’s why people get married, right? I mean, we’ll have our whole lives to sit around looking at each other.’
‘Why do you think I’d want to marry you?’ Christina asked.
‘What do you mean?’ Jake said. ‘Because we’re in love.’
‘Oh, really? You love me? That’s why you never talk to me, why you’ve been cheating on me for years?’
‘Whoa, I’ve never cheated on you, baby.’
‘You think I’m an idiot? I know what’s been going on - I even knew in high school. You screwed my own cousin behind my back!’
‘Cousin? What cousin?’ Jake was truly lost.
‘Sophia,’ Christina said.
‘Sophia Scarramuchia.’ ‘Sophia Scarra-who-chia?’Jake said. ‘Who the hell is . . .’ Then it clicked as Jake remembered Sophia - tall, skinny, good-looking. ‘Oh,
that
Sophia. Nothing happened with us - I swear.’
‘What about all the other women? Every day, it seems like, I open the papers and see a picture of you with this model or that actress.’
‘That’s trick photography. Everybody knows that. They splice and dice - do crazy shit just to sell papers. What, you think when you see those two-headed freaks on Mars they really
exist}’
Jake’s cell phone started farting again. ‘Shit.’ He clicked on and said, ‘Look, I’m in the middle of something.’
Jake was about to hang up again when Stu said, ‘Want to hear the very bad now?’
Jake braced himself. ‘What is it?’
Christina had her arms crossed in front of her chest. Jake held up two fingers and mouthed,
Wait.
‘Got a call from Ronald,’ Stu said.
Ronald Lufkowitz was Jake’s lawyer.
‘What did Fuckowitz say?’ Jake asked.
‘He spoke to Mr Fernandez’s lawyer today about your offer. Bottom line - they won’t make the deal. Now Fernandez wants two hundred grand wired into his bank account by midnight tonight or he’s going public with the
Christina stayed deadpan for a while, then finally said, ‘This is a joke, right? I mean, we barely see each other anymore. When was the last time I spoke to you on the phone, two months ago?’
‘What’re you talking about? I called you last week.’
‘Yeah, for two minutes - to tell me you were coming home.’
‘Come on, baby, try to understand - I’m not just a baseball player; I’m a
celebrity.
I’d love to spend an hour on the phone with you every day, but I’ve got people on my back twenty-four, seven.’ Jake’s cell phone started making a farting sound, the ring tone he’d set for calls from his agent. ‘See what I mean?’
He clicked on and said to Stu Fox, ‘What’s the good news?’
‘Don’t got any good news,’ Stu Fox said. ‘I got bad and I got very bad.’
‘Gimme the bad.’
‘Ken won’t budge. Nixed the limo, nixed the private trainer.’
‘You tell him I’m not reporting to spring training?’
‘No, I didn’t tell him that.’
‘Call him back and tell him that now. Tell him I’ll sit out the whole season if I have to.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jake. Think about it - next year’s your contract year.’
‘So?’
‘So don’t you think it’s best to make like a model citizen, not rock the boat?’
‘Just take care of it,’ Jake said, and clicked off. Then he said to Christina, ‘Sorry ‘bout that, baby - what was I saying? Right, the wedding . . . Look, I know we haven’t seen a lot of each other lately, but that’s why people get married, right? I mean, we’ll have our whole lives to sit around looking at each other.’
‘Why do you think I’d want to marry you?’ Christina asked.
‘What do you mean?’ Jake said. ‘Because we’re in love.’
‘Oh, really? You love me? That’s why you never talk to me, why you’ve been cheating on me for years?’
‘Whoa, I’ve never cheated on you, baby.’
‘You think I’m an idiot? I know what’s been going on - I even knew in high school. You screwed my own cousin behind my back!’
‘Cousin? What cousin?’ Jake was truly lost.
‘Sophia,’ Christina said.
‘Sophia Scarramuchia.’ ‘Sophia Scarra-who-chia?’Jake said. ‘Who the hell is . . .’ Then it clicked as Jake remembered Sophia - tall, skinny, good-looking. ‘Oh,
that
Sophia. Nothing happened with us - I swear.’
‘What about all the other women? Every day, it seems like, I open the papers and see a picture of you with this model or that actress.’
‘That’s trick photography. Everybody knows that. They splice and dice - do crazy shit just to sell papers. What, you think when you see those two-headed freaks on Mars they really
exist}’
Jake’s cell phone started farting again. ‘Shit.’ He clicked on and said, ‘Look, I’m in the middle of something.’
Jake was about to hang up again when Stu said, ‘Want to hear the very bad now?’
Jake braced himself. ‘What is it?’
Christina had her arms crossed in front of her chest. Jake held up two fingers and mouthed,
Wait.
‘Got a call from Ronald,’ Stu said.
Ronald Lufkowitz was Jake’s lawyer.
‘What did Fuckowitz say?’ Jake asked.
‘He spoke to Mr Fernandez’s lawyer today about your offer. Bottom line - they won’t make the deal. Now Fernandez wants two hundred grand wired into his bank account by midnight tonight or he’s going public with the
Similar Books
