Let Me Off at the Top!: My Classy Life and Other Musings by Ron Burgundy

beans and raw bacon. This one is about timing. Once this hits your gut you have about fifteen minutes to go to work before the farts set in. I would describe the smell as “stomachy dirt,” like blowing a fan through compost. I’ve had some luck with loose women with the Earthy Gardener, but then they were pretty loose, so it’s hard to say if it really works. Give it a try! Treat every day like a prison break!
    RECIPE 4: “SEVEN-CHEESE SAMURAI”
    Just as it says. You eat seven different cheeses. Any kind will do but make sure you’re eating at least a pound total. This one poses its own challenges. Women smell it coming from a mile away, making it harder to get in tight for real close breathing unless you employ the tactics of the samurai warrior. You need to keep your breathing to a minimum. Bring your heart rate down to a legally dead state. It helps to be hiding in a dark corner or under a desk or behind a filing cabinet. You must not move at all until the woman is absolutely within close range. Then the sleeper awakens and blows … sevencheeses right at her face! It’s a winner. Believe me. It has an effect.
    RECIPE 5: “THE ROADKILL”
    Find some roadkill and eat it. I haven’t even tried this one but I know it would work. I just know it. Let me know if you do try it. It’s gotta work.
    RECIPE 6: “THE ANIMAL LOVER”
    Who hasn’t seen a beautiful woman come to her knees at the sight of a cute puppy? Oh how I’ve envied that puppy from time to time. Sometimes the envy gets to the point of really pissing me off. I remember a cute little basset hound puppy in particular who stole the attention of a woman I was interested in pursuing. I was as steamed as I ever get. I waited for the lady to get out of earshot and I laid into that puppy with every curse word my mouth could make. I hate curse words in general but that little dog got two earfuls that day! I had to lift the little guy’s ears just to scream my anger right into his little dog head. Somewhere out there in the world there is a basset hound walking around with some very real psychological issues. I hope he eventually got some therapy. I’m really a friend to dogs, just not when they get between me and my own animal desires. Anyway … what is it about dogs that gets the ladies? Can’t be their looks, because most dogs look like a pork roast with eyeballs. (Please, Baxter, do not read this!) Anyway I realized women love dogs because of their breath. “Eat a bowl of dog food, Burgundy,” I said to myself one night,and so I did, and sure enough it was like cheating. Women go nuts for dog breath. (As an aside I should mention women in their late twenties really go for baby’s breath. That’s just a biological fact. I tried to find this breath—I ate jars and jars of baby food, cans of sweetened baby milk, even asked a woman to pump some breast milk for me, but no luck! You just can’t get baby’s breath unless you literally get a stomach transplant from a baby! Who would allow you to do that? I’ve befriended some very suspect “doctors” in my day but I doubt a one of them would feel comfortable replacing my stomach with a baby’s stomach! Oh well, lucky babies! Sex appeal is wasted on the young!) When it comes to dog food I go right for the hard nuggets right out of a forty-pound bag. A handful will do you for the night. Word to the wise: If you’re stealing the food from your own dog, be sneaky. Baxter put it together over several weeks that I had been taking his food and he confronted me directly. It was not pretty. We argued. Then he waited until I went to sleep and he bit my foot. He later told me he was so mad he would have bitten my face if it weren’t for the fact that my face feeds us both. What a dog!
    RECIPE 7: “THE EXECUTIVE”
    Well, here it is, my favorite and a sure winner. I don’t leave the house without the Executive because it’s just a no-nonsense heavy breath that when gently whispered into any woman’s face