Last Days of Summer by Steve Kluger

is even remotely capable of grasping the nuances of the Hebrew tongue; when he attempted to pronounce “Noach,” he nearly drowned Cantor Rosenfeld. This does not bode well for October. Similarly, it is Joseph’s opinion that he open his Bar Mitzvah speech “with a few laughs to loosen them up”—more specifically, that worn-out routine chronicling Moses’ descent from the mountain with the Ten Commandments, concluding with the epigram “Adultery’s still in.” Given the manner in which the two of them recited the punch line in unison, I gather that Mr. Banks and your son are a well-suited match. So, however, are Laurel and Hardy.
    On the other hand, I cannot recall when I last encountered a boy quite as eager to meet the challenge of his Bar Mitzvah as Joseph appears to be. Most of the time we have to bribe them. For this reason alone, I recommend that we proceed as planned. I will do the best I can—and we’ll leave the necessary miracles to God.
    Respectfully,
Rabbi Morris Lieberman
----
    ----
    Jordy Stuker, 1st Base
    c/o The New York Giants
    Polo Grounds
    New York, NY
    Dear Stuke,
    Betty Grable lives at 12217 Bentley Avenue in Los Angeles, California. After she got rid of Jackie Coogan she had dinner with Cary Grant a couple of times and once with Victor Mature. But right now she doesn’t have a boyfriend, even though she went to see the Harry James Orchestra three times by herself so there may be somebody in the band who she likes. Also, she’s four years older than you in case this is a problem.
    Charlie told the Rabbi that he looks like the Smith Brothers and then he asked him for cough drops. I should have told him that Rabbis never think anything is funny. If they laugh they get fired.
    Did you talk him into it yet?
    Joey
----
    ----
    Dear Sprout,
    I’ve been putting the pressure on him for 3 weeks and he’s still not ripe. I thought I could get him to cave in before our Boston-Cincy-Chicago swing in the middle of the summer, but you know what a hard-head he is. Once he says no, forget it. I’ll keep trying, tho.
    Thanks for the dope on Betty. I sent her $22.73 worth of roses (all I had in my pocket) & also atelegram to Victor Mature (collect) saying she never wants to see him again. Didn’t know she was old, tho. She doesn’t look 25.
    I had a shoulder to shoulder talk with your buddy & set him square on the right way to handle a rabbi. Usually he doesn’t listen to me, but he went 1-for-4 and I have the first unassisted triple play in 21 years. (Did I mention that?) So you can stop worrying. I’ll make sure he fixes whatever he broke.
    Stuke
----
    ----
    Rabby Morris Lieberman
    Temple Chizuk Amuno
    1243 Parkside
    Brooklyn NY
    Dear Rabby,
    Behold. I am sorry if I pissed thou off.
    That better?
    Chas. Banks
3d Base
    P.S. Here is something else I just found. “And the Lord said unto Noah, of every beast thou shalt take to thee seven and seven, each with his mate, male and female, to keep seed alive on the face of the earth.” If this means what I think it does, you and me are going to have a little talk. He’s still a kid , for Christ’s sake.
----
    ----
    Alexander Hamilton Junior High School
    To: All Seventh Graders
    From: Mrs. Hicks
    Mr. Demarest
    Re: Summer Assignment
    We are proud to announce that Alexander Hamilton Junior High is one of 200 schools chosen to participate in Mrs. Roosevelt’s national essay contest. This year’s competition is entitled “If My Father Were President.” You are encouraged to be as creative as possible, but within certain limitations. The last time we did something like this, six fathers were spies, nine were gangsters, and one of them was Orville Wright. Mrs. Roosevelt has neither the time nor the patience for this kind of nonsense.
    Papers should be neatly handwritten on ruled paper, and should not be longer than 500 words. They will be due on the first day of school in