Last Days of Summer

Last Days of Summer by Steve Kluger Page A

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Authors: Steve Kluger
Tags: Historical, Adult, Humour, Young Adult
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September.
    Have a wonderful summer!
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    ----
    IF MY FATHER WERE PRESIDENT
    BY J OSEPH M ARGOLIS
    If my father were president, I think he would be a very good
    I think my father would make a really good president because
    If my father shot Nana Bert then he might make a good president, but only if
    How the Hell should I know what kind of a president my father would make? Most of the time I don’t even know where he is .
    If my father were president, he would sit in the Oval Office and
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    ----
    Temple Chizuk Amuno
    1243 Parkside Avenue • Brooklyn, New York
    Charles Banks
    227 West 94th Street, Apt. 14-A
    New York, New York
    Dear Charles:
    Thank you for your generous invitation to attend Joseph’s birthday gathering. However, my wife and I keep a strictly Kosher home and I’m afraid a supper club is a little out of our league. But I’m sure it will mean a great deal to Joseph.
    Of course I know you’re not going to convert.Thirteen-year-old boys have been attempting to hoodwink me since 1919, and there are few such scams I have not encountered before—though I must admit that this one earns high marks for originality. But let’s allow him to think he’s getting away with it.
    Don’t be alarmed by Tuesday’s lesson, for I am confident that Joseph will do well. I suspect he is merely testing you—and winning. Of course, you could always find a way to turn the tables on him; however, I am willing to wager a Kiddush cup that he is even more stubborn than you are.
    Good luck. This is shaping up to be quite a contest.
    Respectfully,
Rabbi Morris Lieberman
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    I NTERVIEWER: Donald M. Weston, Ph.D.
    S UBJECT: Joseph Charles Margolis
    A: It was the best birthday I ever had. Charlie and Hazel took us to Delmonico’s for dinner. The whole world was there. Aunt Carrie even got a kiss from Robert Montgomery.
    Q: I’ll bet that changed her mind about Charlie, huh?
    A: Not all the way. She doesn’t call him a shagitz any more, but every time she starts to call him Charlie her mouth gets stuck. This is gunna take a little work.
    Q: Did you see Winchell’s column?
    A: Yeah. He spelled my name wrong, though. And he said we live in Queens, not Brooklyn. He’s a troublemaker.
    Q: How so?
    A: Ethel Merman was at the next table and he kept trying to start a fistfight between her and Hazel. Then Charlie tripped him and he went away.
    Q: Good for Charlie. Hazel’s too much of a trouper to fall for that anyway.
    A: No she isn’t. She talked to the waiter for a long time and gave him some money, and somehow Ethel Merman wound up with a Diet Special instead of steak and a baked potato. You could hear her on Madison Avenue. Boy, she screams loud.
    Q: Some people call that singing. I never understood it myself.
    A: Then we went to Tuxedo Junction. Hazel sang “My Funny Valentine” right to me, and then I went on the stage with her and we did the “I Like New York In June” song just like Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland do it in Babes on Broadway . We practiced it for a whole week so we could surprise everybody. Smokes, me and my Mom signed more autographs than Charlie did.
    Q: Did you get a lot of presents?
    A: You bet. My mother bought me a watch with an aviator dial and Aunt Carrie got me a black zipper jacket that says GIANTS on the back and Craig got me The Shadow’s Secret Code Book and Hazel gave me a little Victrola with all of Glenn Miller’s records, especially “String of Pearls” and “In the Mood.”
    Q: What about Charlie?
    A: He asked me what I wanted and I told him Citizen Kane at the Radio City Music Hall, but he said he could do a lot better than that. Just between you and me I think he’s gunna buy me a saxophone because he hates it when I get spit all over his.
    Q: I could be wrong, but I’d look out for a different kind of surprise if I were you.
    ----
    Dear Joey,
    Me and Stuke and Mel Ott and Burge Whitehead

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