at that moment was a need to right a wrong. I needed to feel a little baby growing inside of me again, no matter what it took. That alone was the driving force behind my actions... Girl, I was obsessed. I used and hurt people that I cared for deeply in order to get what I wanted and I’ve punished myself for it ever since .
I know what you must think of me. But believe me… I’ve never been proud of it and not a day goes by that I’m not wishing I could repair some of the damage that I caused.”
It was obvious that Maya was saddened to hear that our friendship would falter in the near future. She was disappointed in herself for something that hadn’t even happened yet.
I had flat-out lied when I told her that I couldn’t remember where she was during that time of my life. The truth was… she herself was pregnant with her first child as well. Our daughters would have been born one month apart. I could not tell her that though. That seeing her blotted belly only made me more determined to carry out my insane plan to become pregnant again. No good would have come from me telling her that.
“It sounds like you were broken to me, Jazz. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you like you needed me to be… like I should have been. How did you get thru all that by yourself?” she questioned.
Shaking my head and snorting at my mother’s ridiculous idea, I blurted out, “My mom dragged me to the Philippines with her three months after the fact because her dad was dying. I guess she thought a month away from home would do me some good. Make me forget. It didn’t work though. When I got back, Able was there waiting for me. He proposed to me only a few hours after I stepped off the plane and we ended up getting married and immediately started trying to replace the baby that I/we had aborted.”
“Shit girl, you really were fucked up back then. How could you even consider taking him back after what he did to you?”
“I had convinced myself that if we tried again… then we could make up for our past mistakes somehow. That it would cancel itself out. Only, I couldn’t get pregnant again. We tried for a while with no success. The doctors said that the trauma from the abortion messed me up so badly that I wouldn’t be able to ever have kids of my own. So, after going thru all of that, we ended up getting divorced… go figure! ”
“You still can’t have kids… can you? ” she said with tears running down her round face as the moral of my story began to sink in.
“No… no, I can’t. He stole that from me. He robbed me of my natural womanly right to bear children for all time,” I whispered. “But I currently have a nephew and four god-kids to make up for it.” I added quickly, trying to lighten the mood.
“Well, what’s the plan then? We can’t let this happen to you.”
“That’s the problem right there. Something will change by not spending the night with him tonight, but what is stopping me from sleeping with him again once I return to my real body. I’m not going to remember having this conversation with you and I won’t know anything about the horrible future I’ll have with him,” I said defeated.
“You won’t remember, but I will . I’m not about to let that shit happen to you twice. You saved me from Garrett, now it’s my turn to save you from Able. You don’t have to worry about a thing… let me handle it.”
“Thanks, but you don’t get it! Do you really believe it’s that simple? This will change my whole future, don’t you see. What will I find back home in my time? What if things only get worse? What if I erase something that I’m not supposed to?”
It looked like she was tempted to slap me. Man, she looked down right evil. “Look, you’re here for a reason, remember? Today of all days blah, blah, blah! It’s today that you’re supposed to change for the better, not for the worst. Someone is watching over you girl, bettering you… healing you even. You need to
I know what you must think of me. But believe me… I’ve never been proud of it and not a day goes by that I’m not wishing I could repair some of the damage that I caused.”
It was obvious that Maya was saddened to hear that our friendship would falter in the near future. She was disappointed in herself for something that hadn’t even happened yet.
I had flat-out lied when I told her that I couldn’t remember where she was during that time of my life. The truth was… she herself was pregnant with her first child as well. Our daughters would have been born one month apart. I could not tell her that though. That seeing her blotted belly only made me more determined to carry out my insane plan to become pregnant again. No good would have come from me telling her that.
“It sounds like you were broken to me, Jazz. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you like you needed me to be… like I should have been. How did you get thru all that by yourself?” she questioned.
Shaking my head and snorting at my mother’s ridiculous idea, I blurted out, “My mom dragged me to the Philippines with her three months after the fact because her dad was dying. I guess she thought a month away from home would do me some good. Make me forget. It didn’t work though. When I got back, Able was there waiting for me. He proposed to me only a few hours after I stepped off the plane and we ended up getting married and immediately started trying to replace the baby that I/we had aborted.”
“Shit girl, you really were fucked up back then. How could you even consider taking him back after what he did to you?”
“I had convinced myself that if we tried again… then we could make up for our past mistakes somehow. That it would cancel itself out. Only, I couldn’t get pregnant again. We tried for a while with no success. The doctors said that the trauma from the abortion messed me up so badly that I wouldn’t be able to ever have kids of my own. So, after going thru all of that, we ended up getting divorced… go figure! ”
“You still can’t have kids… can you? ” she said with tears running down her round face as the moral of my story began to sink in.
“No… no, I can’t. He stole that from me. He robbed me of my natural womanly right to bear children for all time,” I whispered. “But I currently have a nephew and four god-kids to make up for it.” I added quickly, trying to lighten the mood.
“Well, what’s the plan then? We can’t let this happen to you.”
“That’s the problem right there. Something will change by not spending the night with him tonight, but what is stopping me from sleeping with him again once I return to my real body. I’m not going to remember having this conversation with you and I won’t know anything about the horrible future I’ll have with him,” I said defeated.
“You won’t remember, but I will . I’m not about to let that shit happen to you twice. You saved me from Garrett, now it’s my turn to save you from Able. You don’t have to worry about a thing… let me handle it.”
“Thanks, but you don’t get it! Do you really believe it’s that simple? This will change my whole future, don’t you see. What will I find back home in my time? What if things only get worse? What if I erase something that I’m not supposed to?”
It looked like she was tempted to slap me. Man, she looked down right evil. “Look, you’re here for a reason, remember? Today of all days blah, blah, blah! It’s today that you’re supposed to change for the better, not for the worst. Someone is watching over you girl, bettering you… healing you even. You need to
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