Thank you, Orion. You’re the dipshit of the year.”
“Hey,” he grabbed me, “quit acting like a goddamned spoiled brat.”
When I twisted furiously away he didn’t go after me again. He muttered a low curse and looked up, seeming to glare directly into the sun.
“I love you, Kira,” he said so softly I could barely hear him.
With a cry I tried to hurl myself at him but he pushed me back. “Why?” I shouted. “Why would you throw this away? This isn’t something that comes around all the time.”
He laughed without humor. “You’re telling me that like I don’t fucking know. It’s not something I’ve ever had or looked for or even wanted. Fuck, I remember when Anne Marie left your daddy. Crest fell into a three day black hole bender so bad he barely knew who he was. I had to carry him like a baby and clean him the hell up and force him to stand again.”
I had a few dim memories of that bleak time. “And you stayed at the apartment and took care of me,” I said quietly.
His face was painful to look at. “That’s right,” he said. “I took care of you then.” He knelt to the ground with a groan and picked up the envelope. “I’m taking care of you now.”
“You reminded me that I’m not a child. I can find my own way.” I re ached up and touched his face as he closed his eyes. “I’ve found it,” I whispered.
Orion took my hand away and opened his eyes. He shook his head and gestured to the bar, the house, the trailers. The bleak world of the Defiant Motorcycle Club.
“This isn’t for you,” he said. “This isn’t what your daddy wanted for you and until a few days ago I’m sure as shit it isn’t what you had in mind for yourself.” He pressed the envelope into my hands. “Go back to school. Study those books you love so much. Don’t hang around this mess waiting to see if I’m gonna make it back alive every time I peel out with my boys. Because, Kira, one day I might not. Or I might. But you’ll still wake up one day like Anne Marie did and figure out how much life you’ve wasted.”
I hugged the envelope to my chest. It had been what I was briefly afraid of. That the surrender which resided in my mother was also in me. I stepped directly in front of Orion and forced him to look me in the eye.
“You’re not afraid that I’m going to regret the course of my life like my mother did. You’re afraid for you. That you’ll end up with Crest’s heartbreak.”
He didn’t look away. “Maybe,” he whispered. He grabbed my face in his big hands and kissed me wildly. When he pulled back his face was anguished. “But I’d take that. I’d gladly deal with the hole you’ve ripped in my heart if it meant I’d get to keep you.” He smoothed my hair, his face crumbling. “But I’d be a selfish piece of shit to hold you here. And that’s not something I can live with. Not where you’re concerned.”
“Because of my father.”
“Because of your father. And because of you. Because I held you the day you were born and thought about the madness you’d been brought into and I had hope, Kira. Shit, I had hope that it would pass you by. I’d forgotten that, I think.”
He pushed me gently away and turned his back. He had made my choice for me and the decision was final. I bit the inside of my lip until I tasted blood. It kept me from dissolving into sobs.
I turned around and walked back toward the bar. There was no need to visit the house. I had everything I would need to begin the new life Orion was demanding that I seek. I simply didn’t have it in me to say goodbye to Rachel or anyone else. The air tasted sour and my limbs felt leaden.
There was no need to hotwire the car. The brand new key was a little stiff in the ignition but it turned over freely and someone had filled up the gas tank. I tossed the envelope on the passenger seat
“Hey,” he grabbed me, “quit acting like a goddamned spoiled brat.”
When I twisted furiously away he didn’t go after me again. He muttered a low curse and looked up, seeming to glare directly into the sun.
“I love you, Kira,” he said so softly I could barely hear him.
With a cry I tried to hurl myself at him but he pushed me back. “Why?” I shouted. “Why would you throw this away? This isn’t something that comes around all the time.”
He laughed without humor. “You’re telling me that like I don’t fucking know. It’s not something I’ve ever had or looked for or even wanted. Fuck, I remember when Anne Marie left your daddy. Crest fell into a three day black hole bender so bad he barely knew who he was. I had to carry him like a baby and clean him the hell up and force him to stand again.”
I had a few dim memories of that bleak time. “And you stayed at the apartment and took care of me,” I said quietly.
His face was painful to look at. “That’s right,” he said. “I took care of you then.” He knelt to the ground with a groan and picked up the envelope. “I’m taking care of you now.”
“You reminded me that I’m not a child. I can find my own way.” I re ached up and touched his face as he closed his eyes. “I’ve found it,” I whispered.
Orion took my hand away and opened his eyes. He shook his head and gestured to the bar, the house, the trailers. The bleak world of the Defiant Motorcycle Club.
“This isn’t for you,” he said. “This isn’t what your daddy wanted for you and until a few days ago I’m sure as shit it isn’t what you had in mind for yourself.” He pressed the envelope into my hands. “Go back to school. Study those books you love so much. Don’t hang around this mess waiting to see if I’m gonna make it back alive every time I peel out with my boys. Because, Kira, one day I might not. Or I might. But you’ll still wake up one day like Anne Marie did and figure out how much life you’ve wasted.”
I hugged the envelope to my chest. It had been what I was briefly afraid of. That the surrender which resided in my mother was also in me. I stepped directly in front of Orion and forced him to look me in the eye.
“You’re not afraid that I’m going to regret the course of my life like my mother did. You’re afraid for you. That you’ll end up with Crest’s heartbreak.”
He didn’t look away. “Maybe,” he whispered. He grabbed my face in his big hands and kissed me wildly. When he pulled back his face was anguished. “But I’d take that. I’d gladly deal with the hole you’ve ripped in my heart if it meant I’d get to keep you.” He smoothed my hair, his face crumbling. “But I’d be a selfish piece of shit to hold you here. And that’s not something I can live with. Not where you’re concerned.”
“Because of my father.”
“Because of your father. And because of you. Because I held you the day you were born and thought about the madness you’d been brought into and I had hope, Kira. Shit, I had hope that it would pass you by. I’d forgotten that, I think.”
He pushed me gently away and turned his back. He had made my choice for me and the decision was final. I bit the inside of my lip until I tasted blood. It kept me from dissolving into sobs.
I turned around and walked back toward the bar. There was no need to visit the house. I had everything I would need to begin the new life Orion was demanding that I seek. I simply didn’t have it in me to say goodbye to Rachel or anyone else. The air tasted sour and my limbs felt leaden.
There was no need to hotwire the car. The brand new key was a little stiff in the ignition but it turned over freely and someone had filled up the gas tank. I tossed the envelope on the passenger seat
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