Jumpers by Tom Stoppard

nucleic acid testes or neither universa vice, to name but one—fourthly: If the necessary being isn’t, surely mother of invention as Voltaire said, not to mention Darwin different from the origin of the specious—to sum up: Super, both natural and stitious, sexual ergo cogito er go-go sometimes, as Descartes said, and who are we? Thank you. (
Shattering applause.
The
USHERS
hold up score cards:
‘
9.7’—‘9.9’—‘9.8’
.)
    ARCHIE : Call the Archbishop of Canterbury.
(
The cry is taken up by other voices. There is music for the
ARCHBISHOP ’s
entrance. He enters, dressed as for a coronation, attended by two yellow-garbed chaplains
( JUMPERS )
who
position themselves downstage, facing the audience
. GEORGE
gets to his feet and looks at
CLEGTHORPE ,
who ‘blesses’ him
.)
    USHER (
to Archbishop
): Take the book in your right hand and read what is on the card.
    ARCHBISHOP : Nine.
    ARCHIE : My lord, it might save the court’s time if I were to explain now that his Grace has certain doubts about the existence of God, and does not wish to take the oath, as a matter of conscience. You are Samuel Clegthorpe, Arch-bishop of Canterbury?
    ARCHBISHOP : For my sins.
    CROUCH : What does he mean by that?
    ARCHIE : I think he was hoping for a Cabinet post, my lord.
… Your Grace, we are gathered together to dispute the goodness, badness or indifference of man. As the senior cleric of the Church of England, you have no doubt thought deeply about this.
    CLEGTHORPE : Well, until recently, I have been mainly interested in the birds of the air and the beasts of the field—rooks, badgers, rabbits—and so on.
    ARCHIE : Quite. But I think you are aware that there is great uncertainty in the land. The ground shifts. The common people to look to you for guidance.
    CLEGTHORPE : Yes. My chaplains had to use tear gas to disperse them. In my opinion, the Government is going too fast. (
The
CHAPLAINS
turn to look at him
.)
    ARCHIE : Surely that is a matter best left to the Government?
    CLEGTHORPE : They were shouting ‘Give us the blood of the lamb.
Give us the bread of the body of Christ’——
    ARCHIE : That’s hardly a rational demand.
    CLEGTHORPE : They won’t go away!… Surely belief in man could find room for man’s beliefs…? (
Behind him the
USHERS
stand up
.)
    ARCHIE : Archbishop, the cat has already jumped.(
The
CHAPLAINS
back-flip into the middle of the stage
,
flanking
CLEGTHORPE
now; or cartwheels if back-flips are not
possible
.)
No further questions.
    CLEGTHORPE : Well, I’d just like to say—I don’t like to see my flock weeping in my garden at Lambeth——
    ARCHIE (
sharply
): My Lord Archbishop, when I was last in
Lambeth I saw good strawberries in your garden—I do beseech you send for some.
( USHERS
and
CHAPLAINS
take a step
.)
    CLEGTHORPE : Yes, all right, but you must appreciate my position—I mean now that I
am
Archbishop of Canterbury——
    ARCHIE :
Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest!

(
From each side of the stage, as though catapulted (from trampolines offstage) a
YELLOW JUMPER
leaps into the middle
of the stage, both
JUMPERS
landing together in front of

CLEGTHORPE ,
with the first bar of the introduction to
‘Sentimental Journey’.
The
SEVEN JUMPERS (
i.e. two chaplains, three ushers and the latter two) are now one unit, using the music to choreograph the threat to
CLEGTHORPE .
GEORGE
watches, moves hesitantly.
This is what happens now, and it ought not to take as long to happen as it does to describe it: The
JUMPERS
and the music
together keep the beat: The pattern of men changes and in six separate movements
CLEGTHORPE
is moved upstage until he is
standing on
CROUCH ’
s desk as part of a pyramid of
JUMPERS .)
    GEORGE : Point of order, Mr. Chairman.
    CLEGTHORPE : Professor—it’s not right. George—help.
    CROUCH : DO you have any questions