Jumpers by Tom Stoppard Page A

for this witness, Professor?
    GEORGE : Er… no, I don’t think so.
    CROUCH : Thank you.
(
The music goes louder
.)
    GEORGE : Well, this seems to be a political quarrel…. Surely only a proper respect for absolute values… universal truths—
philosophy——
(A gunshot. It stops the music, and knocks
CLEGTHORPE
out ofthe pyramid, which disintegrates.
When everything is still:
)
    ARCHIE : Call Dotty Moore!
(
Everything comes vividly to life: loud music brings the
JUMPERS
to their feet. The Screen turns to a brilliant starry sky. The music is the introduction to
‘Sentimental Journey’,
and
DOTTY
is to make her entrance on a spangled crescent
moon
…
with the
JUMPERS
as Dancers
.)
    JUMPERS (
sing
): Calling Dotty Moore, calling Dotty Moore, call
Dotty Moore.
    DOTTY (
sings
): Did I hear you call, will you tell me why?
Am I dreaming, is this really me?
Show me where to stand, and I’ll tell you my Philosophy.
    Here is my consistent proposition,
Two and two make roughly four—
Gentlemen, that is my position,
Yours sincerely, Dorothy Moore.
    As for man, I got my reservations,
Going by experience
Some ain’t bad and some are revelations,
Never met indifference.
    Heaven, how can I believe in heaven?
Just a lying rhyme for seven!
Scored for violins on multi-track
That takes me back
To happy days when I knew how to make it
I knew how to hold a tune
Till the night they had to go and break it——
    GEORGE (
shouts): Stop!!

(
Everything freezes
.)
A remarkable number of apparently intelligent people are baffled by the fact that a different group of apparently intelligent people profess to a knowledge of God when common sense tells
them—the
first group of apparentlyintelligent people—that knowledge is only a possibility in matters that can be demonstrated to be true or false, such as that the Bristol train leaves from Paddington. And yet these same apparently intelligent people, who in extreme cases will not even admit that the Bristol train left from Paddington yesterday—which might be a malicious report or a collective trick of memory—nor that it will leave from there tomorrow—for nothing is certain—and will only agree that it did so today if they were actually there when it left—and even then only on the understanding that all the observable phenomena associated with the train leaving Paddington could equally well be accounted for by Paddington leaving the train—these same people will, nevertheless, and without any sense of inconsistency, claim to
know
that life is better than death, that love is better than hate, and that the light shining through the east window of their bloody gymnasium is more beautiful than a rotting corpse!—In evidence of which I ask you, gentlemen of the jury, to consider the testimony of such witnesses as Zeno Evil, St. Thomas Augustine, Jesus Moore and my late friend the late Herr Thumper who was as innocent as a rainbow…
    ARCHIE : Do not despair—many are happy much of the time; more eat than starve, more are healthy than sick, more curable than dying; not so many dying as dead; and one of the thieves was saved. Hell’s bells and all’s well—half the world is at peace with itself, and so is the other half; vast areas are unpolluted; millions of children grow up without suffering deprivation, and millions, while deprived, grow up without suffering cruelties, and millions, while deprived and cruelly treated, none the less grow up. No laughter is sad and many tears are joyful. At the graveside the undertaker doffs his top hat and impregnates the prettiest mourner. Wham, bam, thank you Sam. (
The light has reduced to a spot on
DOTTY .)
    DOTTY (
sings without music
): Goodbye spoony Juney Moon.
    BLACKOUT
    Forget Yesterday

    If you don’t love me this morning
Don’t break the news too soon;
Can’t keep the daylight from dawning,
Can’t face the afternoon.
But save it baby