building, the people I worked with, my two ex-friends that Robert had made me dump. All had reached out a hand. Some had tried to warn me about Robert. They all deserved a great big bouquet, but I had never given them one, being too wrapped up in my own problems to reach back.
I felt like crying, but I sucked it up. What a rotten person I am.
“I really don’t think anyone wants to see me half-naked, Lydia,” Katie said. “I don’t even want to see my own butt.” She wore an overly large red sweatshirt and baggy jeans. Her mermaid hair was swept back into a ponytail like a mermaid tail.
“Nonsense!” Lydia bellowed. “It’s men who have made us embarrassed about ourselves. A woman’s worth should not be judged by her bodily curves and valleys! That’s what men have done to us!” She held up both fingers in the air, giving us the signal. “Remember!”
“Men are pricks!” Caroline, Lara, Katie, and I yelled back in unison. Soon we would probably have secret handshakes and rituals. Maybe we would sacrifice a man on a spit one night. I could think of one who would burn really well.
“A woman’s form is merely what we’ve been given to get through this life,” said Aunt Lydia.
“I think I know my vagina as well as I want to know it,” Lara said. “It doesn’t bother me, and I don’t bother it. We exist separately except when I have to pee or have sex with Jerry.”
“See! You just did it, Lara!” Lydia said, handing her another daiquiri. “You said that you exist separately from your vagina, except that’s not true. Our vaginas hold our powers, our passions, our secret core. They are dear to us, and we must cherish them as we would our very best friend!”
“But I don’t want to see my best friend’s vagina,” Katie said, flipping her red ponytail behind her back. “No offense to any of you, I’m sure you all have dandy vaginas, but I don’t care to see them. Especially when I’m eating.”
Caroline finally intervened. “Well, I think we can come to a compromise here, a give-and-take. Why don’t we all sit down at the table and then take off our skirts and pants under the table and then we can be one with our vaginas during dinner, as Lydia suggested, but we don’t have to actually see anyone else’s vagina.”
“Good idea,” said Lara. “Let’s eat. I’m starving. Naked or not, I gotta eat.”
“Perfect! A perfect Vagina Plan, Caroline!” Lydia approved, clapping her hands together. “Now help me bring in the meal. We’ll celebrate our vaginas without making everyone else celebrate them, too.”
“Well, I’ll strip down,” said Katie. “But my personal vagina does not deserve any celebration. It has only gotten me into trouble. Vaginal irritation, yeast, bad sex, a baby, bad sex, good sex, more bad sex, another baby, yeast, bad sex, another baby, bad sex, still another baby. My vagina and I aren’t speaking much, but I’ll eat some of that chocolate cake you have in your kitchen that looks like this house and hope my passion and my vaginal strength come back.”
“That is not my delectable creation, although I wish I could claim it,” Aunt Lydia answered, turning toward the kitchen. We all followed her like she was the Piped Piper. “My brilliant niece Julia made that cake.”
As they entered the kitchen, Lara and Caroline gasped, then their heads whipped over to me at the same time, like a line of Rockettes, before snapping back to my cake. For long, long seconds everyone at the Getting To Know Your Vagina Psychic Night meeting stood and stared in wonder at my chocolate cake. I had even recreated tiny chocolate toilets and the bridge on the lawn.
“It’s like looking at art. Chocolate art,” whispered Lara. “The pigs are incredible, Julia. They’re even wearing their names.”
“I’m telling you!” Aunt Lydia announced. “This chocolate cake is better than foreplay. My niece makes Better Than Foreplay Chocolate Cake, that she does.”
“Oh,
I felt like crying, but I sucked it up. What a rotten person I am.
“I really don’t think anyone wants to see me half-naked, Lydia,” Katie said. “I don’t even want to see my own butt.” She wore an overly large red sweatshirt and baggy jeans. Her mermaid hair was swept back into a ponytail like a mermaid tail.
“Nonsense!” Lydia bellowed. “It’s men who have made us embarrassed about ourselves. A woman’s worth should not be judged by her bodily curves and valleys! That’s what men have done to us!” She held up both fingers in the air, giving us the signal. “Remember!”
“Men are pricks!” Caroline, Lara, Katie, and I yelled back in unison. Soon we would probably have secret handshakes and rituals. Maybe we would sacrifice a man on a spit one night. I could think of one who would burn really well.
“A woman’s form is merely what we’ve been given to get through this life,” said Aunt Lydia.
“I think I know my vagina as well as I want to know it,” Lara said. “It doesn’t bother me, and I don’t bother it. We exist separately except when I have to pee or have sex with Jerry.”
“See! You just did it, Lara!” Lydia said, handing her another daiquiri. “You said that you exist separately from your vagina, except that’s not true. Our vaginas hold our powers, our passions, our secret core. They are dear to us, and we must cherish them as we would our very best friend!”
“But I don’t want to see my best friend’s vagina,” Katie said, flipping her red ponytail behind her back. “No offense to any of you, I’m sure you all have dandy vaginas, but I don’t care to see them. Especially when I’m eating.”
Caroline finally intervened. “Well, I think we can come to a compromise here, a give-and-take. Why don’t we all sit down at the table and then take off our skirts and pants under the table and then we can be one with our vaginas during dinner, as Lydia suggested, but we don’t have to actually see anyone else’s vagina.”
“Good idea,” said Lara. “Let’s eat. I’m starving. Naked or not, I gotta eat.”
“Perfect! A perfect Vagina Plan, Caroline!” Lydia approved, clapping her hands together. “Now help me bring in the meal. We’ll celebrate our vaginas without making everyone else celebrate them, too.”
“Well, I’ll strip down,” said Katie. “But my personal vagina does not deserve any celebration. It has only gotten me into trouble. Vaginal irritation, yeast, bad sex, a baby, bad sex, good sex, more bad sex, another baby, yeast, bad sex, another baby, bad sex, still another baby. My vagina and I aren’t speaking much, but I’ll eat some of that chocolate cake you have in your kitchen that looks like this house and hope my passion and my vaginal strength come back.”
“That is not my delectable creation, although I wish I could claim it,” Aunt Lydia answered, turning toward the kitchen. We all followed her like she was the Piped Piper. “My brilliant niece Julia made that cake.”
As they entered the kitchen, Lara and Caroline gasped, then their heads whipped over to me at the same time, like a line of Rockettes, before snapping back to my cake. For long, long seconds everyone at the Getting To Know Your Vagina Psychic Night meeting stood and stared in wonder at my chocolate cake. I had even recreated tiny chocolate toilets and the bridge on the lawn.
“It’s like looking at art. Chocolate art,” whispered Lara. “The pigs are incredible, Julia. They’re even wearing their names.”
“I’m telling you!” Aunt Lydia announced. “This chocolate cake is better than foreplay. My niece makes Better Than Foreplay Chocolate Cake, that she does.”
“Oh,
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