Invisible by Jeff Erno

Invisible
    Jeff Erno
    Published: 2011
    Categorie(s):
    Tag(s): "young adult" gay "short story"
    1

    Invisible
    In all honesty I really do like my name. Chase Alexander Devereaux. I think if there’s one thing that my mom did right, it was picking out a unique, cool-sounding name for her kid. Sometimes I really wish I was as cool looking as my name though, or that I didn’t always act like such a fag.
    Really it’s not deliberate. Sometimes I try really hard to be anything but gay. I watch the other guys—and I know what you’re thinking. You think I mean I check them out, and yeah, I can’t help but do that too. But what I’m sayin is that I watch the really normal guys, the ones who are into sports, who act all totally straight, and I try to copy them. I try to lower the timber of my voice, not sound so nasally when I talk. I try to gesture with my hands in a manly sorta way instead of all limp-wristed and girly. I try to remember not to sit with my legs crossed, and I try really hard to avoid throwing a ball like a girl.
    Sports just really isn’t my thing, though. It’s weird ‘cuz you’d think I’d be all about sports. That’s where all the hot guys are. All the muscle.
    All the butt-swatting and high fiving, hugging on each other during the games. But I just know I’m not good at it. I suck at almost all sports, and like when I try to participate in sports at school, I just make a fool of myself. Then the guys see what a dork I am, and instead of them liking me and thinking of me as their team member, they ridicule me. They tell me to quit being such a sissy and man up.
    I’ve been trying to man-up all my life, really. I can’t honestly say that I’d ever wanna be anything like my older brother Daryn, but there are times I envy him. At least he was good at Little League baseball. No one ever called him a fag, and if they did, he’d kill them. Daryn says I’m the cause of a lot of my own problems. He tells me to just quit acting the way I do and people will stop treating me like such an outcast. Sometimes I just hate him. He doesn’t really know anything about me, and he’s my own brother.
    Today’s gonna be different. I hope. I’m so nervous that I think I might throw up. Maybe I shouldn’t wear this tie. See, I wanted to look nice because I have a big day at school. I’m giving a speech in my Oral Communications class, and like the whole class is going to be watching me.
    Nobody wears dress shirts and ties to school, though, so maybe I’ll just wear this polo shirt. No, I can’t wear short sleeves. Then it’s even more obvious how puny my arms are, and how much a sissy I am when I gesture with my hands. I’m gonna wear this long-sleeve pullover. It’s casual looking but not in a slobbish sorta way. I can’t remember if I’ve ever seen 2

    any of the cool kids wearing a shirt like this. I don’t know. Definitely jeans, though. I gotta take off these khakis and find a pair of jeans.
    It sucks because Oral Communications is right after lunch, and lunch is right after gym. I hate having gym third hour, right in the middle of the day. Our teacher is such a jerk. It’s like I know he hears the stuff that the other guys say to me, and he just like totally ignores it. One time I even heard him laugh when one of em made a joke about how I was running. His name is Coach Schraeder, but most of the kids call him Schraeder the Masturbator behind his back. They’re probably right. I think he has like two brain cells.
    Brad is the worst. He’s in my gym class, and he’s like the leader or something. He’s the one who always starts stuff. He says the first insult, and then the others laugh, and usually they join in. Even the other kids who are otherwise nice can’t help but snicker at some of the mean things he says. I’ve tried to defend myself, to talk back to him a little bit. That makes it worse, ‘cuz then he just mocks me. He like repeats back everything I say in a really overly-effeminate