happens when you grow up. People drift off in their own directions. Sometimes I look around at my job and my flat and my car and can’t believe that people have mistaken me for an adult and let me have all of this. But this is it, isn’t it? We’re the grown-ups now.’
Benedict shifted so that he was facing her instead of the view. ‘Yes, I suppose we are. I probably shouldn’t admit this, but some days I’m petrified. I’ve spent the whole of my adult life to date as a student and now I’m going off to a new job in a new country with a new wife.’
Eva sighed. ‘It really is the end of an era, isn’t it? Or maybe the era already ended without our quite having realised it. I’m going to miss you, Benedict. In a funny way, I think I already do even though you’re right here beside me.’
They suddenly seemed to be very close together without either of them having moved.
Are you really going to do it again? Benedict was asking himself. Let her walk away? You’ve spent years regretting not kissing her—do you want it to be the rest of your life? Shit, but Lydia, you’re marrying Lydia, and you love her and she’s…she’s…
And all the time he was thinking these things his mouth was inching lower and Eva was raising hers and once their lips were touching it would be crazy, impossible not to kiss her, was he expected to just sit there with his face on hers and not move his lips like some sort of mad statue, he wasn’t made of stone and now he was kissing her and it felt…
‘Shit!’ yelled Benedict and sprang back, pushing Eva away so hard that she almost rolled backwards into the grass.
‘What?’
‘This! We can’t do this! What are we doing? We can’t do this.’
‘God, I thought you’d been stung by a bee or something. Okay look, calm down, let’s sit on this bench and talk.’
But Benedict was up on his feet and pacing now, hands pressed to his temples.
‘Benedict, this isn’t all bad. It’s not great timing, but it’s happened. And we both wanted it to happen.’
‘It’s not that simple.’
Eva took a deep breath. ‘No, I know, there’s Lydia. And the wedding. Benedict, I know this is the worst possible time for me to say this, but do you really want to go through with it? I’ve got no right to say this, but since I knew you were marrying her I’ve felt, well, bereft. I thought you’d be there forever but now I’m losing you and I haven’t been able to sleep for wondering, what the hell are we doing? Should we be together? And I know it’s impossible, that there’s Lydia and the wedding and CERN, but….’
Benedict stopped pacing and swung round to face her. ‘Fuck you, Eva, fuck you,’ he shouted, bringing startled tears to her eyes. ‘Why would you do this to me now? You could have done it any time in the last seven years and I’d have been the happiest man on earth, but now?’
She reached out and tried to take his hand. ‘Benedict, I know there couldn’t be a worse time but, oh God, do we want to regret not doing this for the rest of our lives?’
He wrenched his hand away. ‘Actually there could be a worse time, or at least, this is a worse time than you can possibly imagine. Lydia’s pregnant Eva, she’s pregnant. We’re having a baby. And I love her, and I love that baby and no matter how many years I’ve spent pining for you, it was never real . You were always off doing something else, looking for something else, and you always will be. But this, Lydia, the baby, this is real. You’ve never been anything more than a fantasy for me and now it’s time to grow up.’
Eva felt a chasm open up inside her chest. ‘God, Benedict, I didn’t know, I swear if I’d known she was pregnant…Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘We haven’t told anyone, not our families, no one. It’s the twelve-week scan on Thursday. You don’t tell people till after that.’ He rubbed his eyes in a suddenly crumpled-looking face. ‘Look, I just can’t do this. I’ve
Benedict shifted so that he was facing her instead of the view. ‘Yes, I suppose we are. I probably shouldn’t admit this, but some days I’m petrified. I’ve spent the whole of my adult life to date as a student and now I’m going off to a new job in a new country with a new wife.’
Eva sighed. ‘It really is the end of an era, isn’t it? Or maybe the era already ended without our quite having realised it. I’m going to miss you, Benedict. In a funny way, I think I already do even though you’re right here beside me.’
They suddenly seemed to be very close together without either of them having moved.
Are you really going to do it again? Benedict was asking himself. Let her walk away? You’ve spent years regretting not kissing her—do you want it to be the rest of your life? Shit, but Lydia, you’re marrying Lydia, and you love her and she’s…she’s…
And all the time he was thinking these things his mouth was inching lower and Eva was raising hers and once their lips were touching it would be crazy, impossible not to kiss her, was he expected to just sit there with his face on hers and not move his lips like some sort of mad statue, he wasn’t made of stone and now he was kissing her and it felt…
‘Shit!’ yelled Benedict and sprang back, pushing Eva away so hard that she almost rolled backwards into the grass.
‘What?’
‘This! We can’t do this! What are we doing? We can’t do this.’
‘God, I thought you’d been stung by a bee or something. Okay look, calm down, let’s sit on this bench and talk.’
But Benedict was up on his feet and pacing now, hands pressed to his temples.
‘Benedict, this isn’t all bad. It’s not great timing, but it’s happened. And we both wanted it to happen.’
‘It’s not that simple.’
Eva took a deep breath. ‘No, I know, there’s Lydia. And the wedding. Benedict, I know this is the worst possible time for me to say this, but do you really want to go through with it? I’ve got no right to say this, but since I knew you were marrying her I’ve felt, well, bereft. I thought you’d be there forever but now I’m losing you and I haven’t been able to sleep for wondering, what the hell are we doing? Should we be together? And I know it’s impossible, that there’s Lydia and the wedding and CERN, but….’
Benedict stopped pacing and swung round to face her. ‘Fuck you, Eva, fuck you,’ he shouted, bringing startled tears to her eyes. ‘Why would you do this to me now? You could have done it any time in the last seven years and I’d have been the happiest man on earth, but now?’
She reached out and tried to take his hand. ‘Benedict, I know there couldn’t be a worse time but, oh God, do we want to regret not doing this for the rest of our lives?’
He wrenched his hand away. ‘Actually there could be a worse time, or at least, this is a worse time than you can possibly imagine. Lydia’s pregnant Eva, she’s pregnant. We’re having a baby. And I love her, and I love that baby and no matter how many years I’ve spent pining for you, it was never real . You were always off doing something else, looking for something else, and you always will be. But this, Lydia, the baby, this is real. You’ve never been anything more than a fantasy for me and now it’s time to grow up.’
Eva felt a chasm open up inside her chest. ‘God, Benedict, I didn’t know, I swear if I’d known she was pregnant…Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘We haven’t told anyone, not our families, no one. It’s the twelve-week scan on Thursday. You don’t tell people till after that.’ He rubbed his eyes in a suddenly crumpled-looking face. ‘Look, I just can’t do this. I’ve
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