frustrated.
“I’m pointing this out to both of you because your memories might be much worse than
what actually happened.”
“Fuck that and fuck y– ” Nathan began, but was cut off by Darren’s hand going up in
a defensive gesture.
“I’m not trying to downplay what happened to either of you, just trying to help you
gain a different perspective. At first, some people find it’s easier to detach a little
emotionally, to get some of their emotions out of the way. Once you’ve sorted through
your shit, sorry for the slip, but after that, after you can lay it all out on the
table, you then go back and figure out how you feel about all of it. Then you deal
with it, but only after seeing the truth of what it was.”
I remembered his parataxic distortion speech before. He was rehashing it but in a
less detailed, lecturing manner.
“Nathan, when you hurt Lila on the day of the anniversary of your wife’s death, you
didn’t mean to do that to her, did you?”
“Absolutely not. I was sick with myself when I realized what I’d done.”
I ran soothing circles on Nathan’s hand. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind anymore
that he hadn’t meant to hurt me. I was never angry with what he did to me physically;
it was the rejection that stung.
“And you didn’t remember much of it because you were in a heightened level of distortion.
Lila didn’t realize you were in such a state, otherwise she might have treaded a bit
lighter and not offered herself to you in that way.” Darren cleared his throat. I
could tell things were already going to head in an ugly direction. Bracing myself
for the accusations, I shut my eyes and held them closed. “Lila, you need to hear
this. Open your eyes, please.”
I refused. The session was already hurting too much. I didn’t think I could take hearing
I was the reason Nathan was worse instead of better.
“I’m fine,” Nathan whispered in my ear, like he was reading my mind.
I shook my head. “You’re not fine. I made you do that. If I’d left you alone like
you asked me to, we wouldn’t even be here.”
“Yes, we would. We need this, and that day wasn’t the only problem. It was us being
tipped over the edge we’d been clinging to by our fingertips. We are both far from
okay, and if it led us here, then I’m sorry, but I’m almost glad it happened. For
the first time in four years, I want to get better, I have a reason to get better.
I want you to get better, too. I want to be with you.”
I opened my eyes and felt a shift in the room. They were both looking at me, but it
was different somehow. They didn’t pity me, or coddle me. It was a look of adoration
and appreciation, almost like they were confident I would get through this with flying
colors. They made me feel brave, strong.
“Okay,” I murmured. “I want to learn. What can I do to make things better?”
Darren’s face split into a brilliant grin. “There’s a lot you both can do to make
this better. You both love each other, so that’s the basis for all this. All we need
is a few tools to keep things healthy and manageable so they don’t fall apart on one
or both of you when things get rough. And trust me, you both will have down days and
it will be rough. To expect everything to be perfect would be setting you both up for failure.”
Darren’s soothing voice set me at ease and my jumpiness ratcheted down a notch or
two.
“When you’re grieving the loss of Grace or your child, your instinct is to bottle
up and blame yourself. That has to stop. I know you don’t want to talk about it to
Lila, because you don’t want her to be miserable and share your pain, but what about
when she’s feeling down about herself? Don’t you want her to let you in?” Nathan nodded
in agreement. “Then you have to do the same. It’s about trust and friendship. I also
know you lash out and then get physical.”
Nathan inhaled in a rush,
“I’m pointing this out to both of you because your memories might be much worse than
what actually happened.”
“Fuck that and fuck y– ” Nathan began, but was cut off by Darren’s hand going up in
a defensive gesture.
“I’m not trying to downplay what happened to either of you, just trying to help you
gain a different perspective. At first, some people find it’s easier to detach a little
emotionally, to get some of their emotions out of the way. Once you’ve sorted through
your shit, sorry for the slip, but after that, after you can lay it all out on the
table, you then go back and figure out how you feel about all of it. Then you deal
with it, but only after seeing the truth of what it was.”
I remembered his parataxic distortion speech before. He was rehashing it but in a
less detailed, lecturing manner.
“Nathan, when you hurt Lila on the day of the anniversary of your wife’s death, you
didn’t mean to do that to her, did you?”
“Absolutely not. I was sick with myself when I realized what I’d done.”
I ran soothing circles on Nathan’s hand. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind anymore
that he hadn’t meant to hurt me. I was never angry with what he did to me physically;
it was the rejection that stung.
“And you didn’t remember much of it because you were in a heightened level of distortion.
Lila didn’t realize you were in such a state, otherwise she might have treaded a bit
lighter and not offered herself to you in that way.” Darren cleared his throat. I
could tell things were already going to head in an ugly direction. Bracing myself
for the accusations, I shut my eyes and held them closed. “Lila, you need to hear
this. Open your eyes, please.”
I refused. The session was already hurting too much. I didn’t think I could take hearing
I was the reason Nathan was worse instead of better.
“I’m fine,” Nathan whispered in my ear, like he was reading my mind.
I shook my head. “You’re not fine. I made you do that. If I’d left you alone like
you asked me to, we wouldn’t even be here.”
“Yes, we would. We need this, and that day wasn’t the only problem. It was us being
tipped over the edge we’d been clinging to by our fingertips. We are both far from
okay, and if it led us here, then I’m sorry, but I’m almost glad it happened. For
the first time in four years, I want to get better, I have a reason to get better.
I want you to get better, too. I want to be with you.”
I opened my eyes and felt a shift in the room. They were both looking at me, but it
was different somehow. They didn’t pity me, or coddle me. It was a look of adoration
and appreciation, almost like they were confident I would get through this with flying
colors. They made me feel brave, strong.
“Okay,” I murmured. “I want to learn. What can I do to make things better?”
Darren’s face split into a brilliant grin. “There’s a lot you both can do to make
this better. You both love each other, so that’s the basis for all this. All we need
is a few tools to keep things healthy and manageable so they don’t fall apart on one
or both of you when things get rough. And trust me, you both will have down days and
it will be rough. To expect everything to be perfect would be setting you both up for failure.”
Darren’s soothing voice set me at ease and my jumpiness ratcheted down a notch or
two.
“When you’re grieving the loss of Grace or your child, your instinct is to bottle
up and blame yourself. That has to stop. I know you don’t want to talk about it to
Lila, because you don’t want her to be miserable and share your pain, but what about
when she’s feeling down about herself? Don’t you want her to let you in?” Nathan nodded
in agreement. “Then you have to do the same. It’s about trust and friendship. I also
know you lash out and then get physical.”
Nathan inhaled in a rush,
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