Indecent...Desires by Jane O'Reilly

wants to touch himself. But he isn’t, because I haven’t given him permission. I thought I had ended the game. Maybe I had. And maybe, just maybe, when I turned on my bedroom light and exposed myself to him, I started a new one. I spread my legs wider, ease the wet gusset of my knickers to the side, exposing my pussy. Then I touch the vibrator to my clit. The direct contact makes me squirm and jerk, so I do it again, and then I find my hole with the tip of the shaft, and I slowly, slowly ease it home. My entire body fills with the pulsing buzz of the toy as I look at Lucas, lift my free hand, and beckon him over.
    I’m not sure how I make it to the door to let him in, but I do. He stands there, filling my doorway, watching me with wary eyes as though he’s not quite sure how this is going to play out.
    But I do. ‘Lucas,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry. I should have told you that I’d agreed to go out with him. But nothing happened. I want you to know that.’
    â€˜I understand,’ he says, swallowing hard, not meeting my gaze. ‘I get it, Meredith. Seriously, I do. I’m twenty-four, for Christ’s sake. I was an idiot to think you would be interested in me.’
    â€˜I am interested in you!’ My voice is shrill, loud, and it makes my head hurt. ‘Martin Banks was a mistake. I agreed to go out with him and then I didn’t know how to get out of it. I wanted to. You have to believe me.’
    â€˜Martin Banks told me that you’d been flirting with him for weeks,’ Lucas says coldly. ‘You chased him, Meredith.’
    â€˜I made a mistake.’ More than the one, if I’m honest. I turn away from the door, suddenly ashamed by my state of undress, by that extra seven pounds, by my tummy-control knickers and the big vibrator in my hand.
    Lucas follows me inside, closes the door behind him. ‘Was I a mistake?’
    I stop where I am. I wrap my arms around my breasts. ‘Why are you here, Lucas?’ I ask, my voice faint. He’s so close, I could touch him, but it seems that we still have things to resolve before we can take things that far. ‘Why are you here with me, after what I’ve done?’
    â€˜Because…’ He pinches the bridge of his nose. ‘Because I’ve never met anyone like you before. Because when I fantasised about being bossed around by an older woman, I never actually thought it would happen, and I certainly never imagined it would be someone like you.’ He drops his hand to his side. ‘I didn’t realise I would fall in love.’
    â€˜Lucas,’ I say. ‘Oh, Lucas.’
    â€˜I know I’m too young for you,’ he says. ‘I know I can’t offer you any of the things that he can.’
    â€˜I only want you,’ I say, digging my hands into the front of his shirt. God, he’s so warm and strong and he smells so fucking good. Just being near him makes me feel calm and insanely aroused all at the same time. ‘And…’ I stop myself just in time.
    His fingers meet my chin and tip my head up. ‘And what?’
    I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks, a fierce flush as I face this final moment of truth. ‘It doesn’t matter,’ I say. I can’t meet his gaze. It’s enough to have him here, I tell myself. He is enough. I won’t screw this up by asking him for things I know he won’t want to give me, not on my timescale, anyway.
    â€˜Yes, it does,’ he says. ‘This won’t work if we can’t be honest with each other, Meredith.’
    And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it. Honesty. ‘How did you get to be so smart?’ I say, trying to smile.
    â€˜I’m self-employed,’ he says. ‘I watch a lot of Oprah. So come on, tell me what it is. Whatever wicked fantasy it is, you can share it with me, Meredith.’
    I try to swallow, but my throat is dry. I know it’s time for me to put