comprehend anything.
I think I might have been screaming and sobbing because I could hear those sounds through the numb haze through which I was experiencing things. It continued – a sound of pure agony that jarred my ears – until I felt someone’s hands restraining me as a needle jabbed into my arm. After that, everything went black.
***
I think they took me back to my room in the palace after I passed out because that’s where I woke up, but I didn’t remember anything but those devastating words and the plunging, sinking feel as the medicine threw me into a dark, black world of nightmares. Those words echoed continuously in my mind now, just as they had in my nightmares. She’s dead. Poison. She’s dead.
Chapter 11: Dairdra
Sun streamed in through my window. It wasn’t the warm, inviting sort though. It was weak and drab on my stone floor.
I turned away from it, lying in bed without the will to live anymore. I closed my eyes, tears running out of the corners. I hated the light. Hated life. Hated whoever killed my mother. But most of all, I hated Cyril for ruining my life.
Yvette knocked on the door. When I made no reply, she entered with a tray of food.
The smell of my favorite sausage held no allure today though. Normally, this would get me out of bed immediately on days when I had slept in. But not today. Today, it nauseated me with its greasy smell.
I didn’t turn to my maid.
“My Lady?” Her voice was so filled with concern that it elicited nothing but more tears from me.
But I kept them quiet. They rolled down my cheek, cold and bitter in my mouth.
She sighed. “Take your time. Send one of the guards outside the door to get me when you’re ready to get up.”
I heard her skirt rustle as she walked out of the door.
When she was gone, I let the pent up sobs come. The tears seemed to scald my skin as though they were acid. My throat tightened and burned. My insides seemed to be on fire.
I wrapped my arms around myself as I lay there, warm under the covers, but heart as cold as stone. Was this what it felt like when you didn’t have anything to live for? When you had nothing to lose? It must be. Because I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to keep living for. My mother was the most important thing in my life, and now she was gone.
And Crypt. Thoughts of him only made me cry harder. I’d lost him too. He’d been so distant and formal in the last three weeks that I couldn’t help but feel that he was no longer my friend. No longer loved me.
I found myself almost wishing that Cyril would just win the war and kill me. I didn’t want to deal with any of this anymore, and without a shoulder to lean on, it was seeming more unbearable by the moment.
I remained in bed all day. Yvette came in to bring lunch and take the uneaten breakfast. She came again at dinner. But at dinner, she actually spoke to me. “My Lady, the Council asks that you decide on a date for the funeral.”
I didn’t answer.
“My Lady, please. I have to take an answer back to them.” She placed the bowl of soup and my glass of water on the end table.
“They can decide. I don’t care.”
She moved over to the chair to face me.
I opened my eyes to look at her.
The feelings I was experiencing were inexplicable. Or rather, I knew they were understandable, but they weren’t bearable, and they went beyond anything I could describe.
She looked back at me and wiped away a tear that was sliding down my cheek. “Now, my Lady, I know she meant everything to you, but you’ve got to understand something. Other people still need you. Your kingdom needs you in this war. If you give up, they will too, and many of them will die in the take-over of the kingdom. You can’t let that happen.”
I looked at her. “I can let that happen. I’m Queen. I can do whatever I want.”
She looked at me sadly. “Nay, my Lady. You are less free than I, a servant. But,
I think I might have been screaming and sobbing because I could hear those sounds through the numb haze through which I was experiencing things. It continued – a sound of pure agony that jarred my ears – until I felt someone’s hands restraining me as a needle jabbed into my arm. After that, everything went black.
***
I think they took me back to my room in the palace after I passed out because that’s where I woke up, but I didn’t remember anything but those devastating words and the plunging, sinking feel as the medicine threw me into a dark, black world of nightmares. Those words echoed continuously in my mind now, just as they had in my nightmares. She’s dead. Poison. She’s dead.
Chapter 11: Dairdra
Sun streamed in through my window. It wasn’t the warm, inviting sort though. It was weak and drab on my stone floor.
I turned away from it, lying in bed without the will to live anymore. I closed my eyes, tears running out of the corners. I hated the light. Hated life. Hated whoever killed my mother. But most of all, I hated Cyril for ruining my life.
Yvette knocked on the door. When I made no reply, she entered with a tray of food.
The smell of my favorite sausage held no allure today though. Normally, this would get me out of bed immediately on days when I had slept in. But not today. Today, it nauseated me with its greasy smell.
I didn’t turn to my maid.
“My Lady?” Her voice was so filled with concern that it elicited nothing but more tears from me.
But I kept them quiet. They rolled down my cheek, cold and bitter in my mouth.
She sighed. “Take your time. Send one of the guards outside the door to get me when you’re ready to get up.”
I heard her skirt rustle as she walked out of the door.
When she was gone, I let the pent up sobs come. The tears seemed to scald my skin as though they were acid. My throat tightened and burned. My insides seemed to be on fire.
I wrapped my arms around myself as I lay there, warm under the covers, but heart as cold as stone. Was this what it felt like when you didn’t have anything to live for? When you had nothing to lose? It must be. Because I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to keep living for. My mother was the most important thing in my life, and now she was gone.
And Crypt. Thoughts of him only made me cry harder. I’d lost him too. He’d been so distant and formal in the last three weeks that I couldn’t help but feel that he was no longer my friend. No longer loved me.
I found myself almost wishing that Cyril would just win the war and kill me. I didn’t want to deal with any of this anymore, and without a shoulder to lean on, it was seeming more unbearable by the moment.
I remained in bed all day. Yvette came in to bring lunch and take the uneaten breakfast. She came again at dinner. But at dinner, she actually spoke to me. “My Lady, the Council asks that you decide on a date for the funeral.”
I didn’t answer.
“My Lady, please. I have to take an answer back to them.” She placed the bowl of soup and my glass of water on the end table.
“They can decide. I don’t care.”
She moved over to the chair to face me.
I opened my eyes to look at her.
The feelings I was experiencing were inexplicable. Or rather, I knew they were understandable, but they weren’t bearable, and they went beyond anything I could describe.
She looked back at me and wiped away a tear that was sliding down my cheek. “Now, my Lady, I know she meant everything to you, but you’ve got to understand something. Other people still need you. Your kingdom needs you in this war. If you give up, they will too, and many of them will die in the take-over of the kingdom. You can’t let that happen.”
I looked at her. “I can let that happen. I’m Queen. I can do whatever I want.”
She looked at me sadly. “Nay, my Lady. You are less free than I, a servant. But,
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