with PeskyKids you can still imagine what a real family would be like.
And coming soon for kids: AuthoritarianDad.com This cyber-father actually supervises your Web use instead of just downloading porn in his own room. Hours of RealFeel Conflict! Adds RebelliousFeel to Web use.
[email protected] Here at Telstra’s BigPond we’re sick of Regional and Rural customers and their whingeing and whining about how long it takes to download a single Net page over our antiquated phone lines. That’s why we’re going to make some changes. Post us a letter outlining your problem, and we’ll send you a paperback copy of Tolstoy’s
War and Peace
— absolutely ready-to-read as you wait. No more wasted download TelstraHours!
ChatWithStyle.com We’ve spent hours monitoring Yahoo’s teenage chat rooms, and despaired at the poor level of conversation. Sure, young people of all nations are meeting, but what are they saying to each other? Stuff like: ‘Helllllo?’ and ‘Anyone there????’ and ‘Who else likes Britney Spears???’ Download our ConversationFilter, and everything changes. Type in the question ‘Anyone else like Manchester FC?’, and our filter automatically turns it into a knowledgeable inquiry about their last game with Leeds. Mention Dannii Minogue, and our ConversationFilter simply turns it into an inquiry about the more sophisticated Macy Gray. Don’t just lie about your age, gender and occupation; lie about your sense of style as well.
SpeechAtDad’sFuneral.com In the busy go-ahead world of e-commerce, who’s got time for parents? Especially when they show how very OldWorld they are by actually dying. Log onto our site, add a few details such as your dad’s name and hobby, and our DeepFeelings software will produce a moving elegy. Download us before you Download Dad.
[email protected] How can you get a groovy name for your web-site? A name like goFish, Excite or Yahoo. Just visit us here at WebbyNettyStuff. Remember how the Web works — it’s full of giant, grey-suited multinationals pretending to be groovy adolescents. Our principle: the bigger your company, the more childish the name. That way no-one will catch on to the truth — that the groovy new economy is exactly the same as the old: lots of money being made by a few multinationals. Don’t tell anyone, now.
EmailCrusader.com Many companies are now generating so much internal e-mail, that no actual work takes place. At EmailCrusader we’ve discovered the rule: the more boring the department, the more e-mail it generates. In most companies, 95 per cent of all e-mails are generated by the Training Department, the Fire Drill Department, and the computer section itself. EmailCrusader disconnects them every time they try to communicate with the outside world. Voted Web-Site Most Likely To Stop Everyone Going Insane.
HateSmugComputerBastard.com We’re a flame site for those sick of computer nerds. We maintain that content is more important than the delivery system; that the invention of the Web is less important than the discovery of the yo-yo; and that people with an excessive belief in the transforming power of the Net are all nerds. Voted Least Visited Site twenty years running. Which makes us
very
proud.
Free for All
T he Space Cadet and I are lolling by the roadside, just shy of the gutter. We’re seated in two large, stuffed armchairs, feeling like lords. The Space Cadet wriggles deeper into his recliner, noting how the back swivels for extra comfort.
It is then he utters the ominous words: ‘Who’d chuck out this? You’d have to be mad.’
It means he’s afflicted by the gene. The scrounger gene. The scavenger gene. Just like his father, he’ll never be able to pass a garage sale, a council clean-up, or even a straight-out stinking tip, without stopping and having a poke around.
Right now, it’s the mid-year Council Clean-Up, and it’s a dangerous time to drive. The car in front will suddenly swerve
And coming soon for kids: AuthoritarianDad.com This cyber-father actually supervises your Web use instead of just downloading porn in his own room. Hours of RealFeel Conflict! Adds RebelliousFeel to Web use.
[email protected] Here at Telstra’s BigPond we’re sick of Regional and Rural customers and their whingeing and whining about how long it takes to download a single Net page over our antiquated phone lines. That’s why we’re going to make some changes. Post us a letter outlining your problem, and we’ll send you a paperback copy of Tolstoy’s
War and Peace
— absolutely ready-to-read as you wait. No more wasted download TelstraHours!
ChatWithStyle.com We’ve spent hours monitoring Yahoo’s teenage chat rooms, and despaired at the poor level of conversation. Sure, young people of all nations are meeting, but what are they saying to each other? Stuff like: ‘Helllllo?’ and ‘Anyone there????’ and ‘Who else likes Britney Spears???’ Download our ConversationFilter, and everything changes. Type in the question ‘Anyone else like Manchester FC?’, and our filter automatically turns it into a knowledgeable inquiry about their last game with Leeds. Mention Dannii Minogue, and our ConversationFilter simply turns it into an inquiry about the more sophisticated Macy Gray. Don’t just lie about your age, gender and occupation; lie about your sense of style as well.
SpeechAtDad’sFuneral.com In the busy go-ahead world of e-commerce, who’s got time for parents? Especially when they show how very OldWorld they are by actually dying. Log onto our site, add a few details such as your dad’s name and hobby, and our DeepFeelings software will produce a moving elegy. Download us before you Download Dad.
[email protected] How can you get a groovy name for your web-site? A name like goFish, Excite or Yahoo. Just visit us here at WebbyNettyStuff. Remember how the Web works — it’s full of giant, grey-suited multinationals pretending to be groovy adolescents. Our principle: the bigger your company, the more childish the name. That way no-one will catch on to the truth — that the groovy new economy is exactly the same as the old: lots of money being made by a few multinationals. Don’t tell anyone, now.
EmailCrusader.com Many companies are now generating so much internal e-mail, that no actual work takes place. At EmailCrusader we’ve discovered the rule: the more boring the department, the more e-mail it generates. In most companies, 95 per cent of all e-mails are generated by the Training Department, the Fire Drill Department, and the computer section itself. EmailCrusader disconnects them every time they try to communicate with the outside world. Voted Web-Site Most Likely To Stop Everyone Going Insane.
HateSmugComputerBastard.com We’re a flame site for those sick of computer nerds. We maintain that content is more important than the delivery system; that the invention of the Web is less important than the discovery of the yo-yo; and that people with an excessive belief in the transforming power of the Net are all nerds. Voted Least Visited Site twenty years running. Which makes us
very
proud.
Free for All
T he Space Cadet and I are lolling by the roadside, just shy of the gutter. We’re seated in two large, stuffed armchairs, feeling like lords. The Space Cadet wriggles deeper into his recliner, noting how the back swivels for extra comfort.
It is then he utters the ominous words: ‘Who’d chuck out this? You’d have to be mad.’
It means he’s afflicted by the gene. The scrounger gene. The scavenger gene. Just like his father, he’ll never be able to pass a garage sale, a council clean-up, or even a straight-out stinking tip, without stopping and having a poke around.
Right now, it’s the mid-year Council Clean-Up, and it’s a dangerous time to drive. The car in front will suddenly swerve
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