If Only by A. J. Pine

my grip, his bleeding hand under an icy flow of water. And I hate my lips now, the ones Noah watched so intently, the ones that want to want to kiss the guy they’re kissing without interruption. Because, God, I have been happy, and I know Griffin has been, too. But I’ve also held back, kept any shred of serious at bay. Griffin is a guy a girl could fall for, but he made it clear that he doesn’t fall back. That’s why Noah got to me today, because I keep Griffin at the safe distance we agreed upon. Maybe it’s time to stop being so safe.
    I pull away first, Griffin’s satisfied smile enough to tell me that maybe he’s done being safe, too. I smile at him, happy none of my doubt escaped into that kiss. If it did, the alcohol keeps him from noticing.
    An hour, a couple of drinks, and lots of greasy food later, the crowd at the Blue Lantern picks up. One of Duncan’s mates, a tall, dark, wiry boy from Germany named Barrett, joins the group. I make him promise to keep the whisky imbibing to a minimum.
    “Isn’t anyone else coming?” Duncan asks Barrett. “Everyone in Fyfe knows it’s a party tonight.”
    Barrett laughs. “It’s not eight o’clock yet. People are eating, Duncan. I have no doubt everyone in Fyfe saw your note posted in the lobby.”
    A note? More like a full-color flyer that Duncan made inviting anyone who knew him to the Blue Lantern to, in his printed words, “keep him pissed till morning.” As if mention of said note invokes the crowd, bodies start spilling through the pub door, and Duncan knows and greets nearly every single patron who walks in.
    Elaina is far too busy to tend to our table now, so I offer to get our small group the next round. Our cozy little dinner has turned into a full-on party, as if all of Aberdeen were invited. I push through the growing crowd to the bar, where I find a very frazzled-looking Elaina manning every tap behind the counter.
    “This is bullshit,” she hisses above the din. She sounds angry. And Greek. “The kitchen is backed up, so Daniel has to help them out. The other bartenders don’t come in until nine o’clock! I am taking back my maybe !”
    Uh-oh. Time for damage control.
    Before I can say anything, she slides a pint into the hand of a waiting patron. He hands her back a ten-pound note. “Keep the change, love!”
    There’s no way that pint cost more than four quid. I raise my eyebrows at her, waiting for a reaction. She doesn’t smile, but her sigh relinquishes her anger.
    “Fine.” The word is clipped. “If the tips stay like this, I will forgive him for slamming us when we are not properly staffed.” She maintains her stoicism for only a few seconds more. Then a gleeful smile appears. Elaina may work her ass off tonight, but she’s going home with some serious cash.
    “You like him, Griffin, yes?”
    I don’t expect the question, and I hesitate with my answer.
    “But something holds you back, no?”
    “I…yes…I like him. Of course I like him.” Because I really do.
    She leans across the bar, her eyes boring into mine.
    “Then why does your answer sound like a question?”
    Because you’re not the one I’m trying to convince , I want to say. But I don’t need to. She figures me out.
    “He is good looking, yes? He likes you?”
    I nod to both her questions. She grabs my chin in her palm and rakes through my features with her eyes.
    “I see him sometimes, when you are not here. The girls, they give him the number. Lots of times. Many times.”
    Despite my inappropriate thoughts for Noah earlier today, I don’t enjoy hearing about girls who throw themselves at Griffin. My insecurities ride high enough as it is.
    “I get it,” I say. “You don’t need to remind me.”
    She releases my chin and backs off the counter.
    “He tells them no. Every time he does.”
    Elaina’s words should comfort me, but instead guilt spreads through me like a virus. All Griffin has to offer is right now. He didn’t ask for any more, and I