I Want My Epidural Back by Karen Alpert

for bed, ask for it. “Wahhhhh, I can’t sleep without my Pookie Bear!!!!!” Then sit back, watch, and enjoy the show of Mommy and Daddy turning the entire house upside down searching desperately for it. And whatever you do, accept NO substitutes.

    11.   Yes, I know ten is a nice number to end on, but who the hell decided ten should be the magic number? So here’s # 11 . If it gets really bad, pull out the big guns. Say you’re worried that if you go to sleep, you’re going to die. That or cry so hard you throw up all over yourself.

    ME: Holden, you did a great job sleeping last night!!

    HOLDEN: Uhhh-ohhhh.

    ME: What is it?

    HOLDEN: I forgot to wake you up.

How NOT to keep your kiddo awake in the car

    ME: Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! Everyone to the car right now!

    HOLDEN: But I’m in the middle of my ice cream.

    ZOEY: And I have to go poop.

    ME: Holden, take your last lick. Zoey, suck that turtlehead back in.
    People in the restaurant are looking at me like I’m a total nutjob, but we are already super late and if we’re not in the car in five minutes, Holden is going to fall asleep on the car ride home and then he won’t take a real nap later and then I’m not going to be able to shower and it is highly probable that if I lift one of my arms the BO is literally going to kill all the people within a ten-foot radius and then I’m going to be thrown in jail for murder. So no, I am not overreacting. We have to leave RIGHT F’ING NOW.

    ME: No lollygagging, guys, let’s go!!
    Awww crap, did I just use the word lollygagging ? Excuse me while I kick my own ass for being such a dorkwad.
    So I throw the kids in the car as fast as humanly possible and buckle Holden’s seat belt, but I do it too quickly and I accidentally pinch his peeper and now he’s screaming his head off and I have to slow down and turn into the nicest mommy in the whole world and apologize a thousand times to help him forget about the fact that I just scarred him for life.

    ME: I’m sooooo sorry, buddy!!! I didn’t mean to!!!!

    HOLDEN: Wahhhhh, kiss it!!!!!!!!!

    ME: No, sweetie, I can’t kiss it.

    HOLDEN: WAHHHHHHHHH, KISSSSSS ITTTTTTT!!!!

    ME: Mommy cannot kiss your penis, honey.
    Things I never thought I’d have to say. But after he screams for like a thousand more minutes I finally come up with a solution and I kiss my hand and I pat his peeper and I guess that’s good enough because he stops screaming finally and I get into the car and start to drive home. But when I glance in the rearview mirror that I have angled slightly down at that perfect angle that lets me see the road AND the kiddos, Holden’s eyes look totally heavy. Awwww shit, nooooo, don’t sleep yet!! I start asking him questions at a mile a minute to keep him awake.

    ME: Holden, do you see that truck?! Holden, look out your window. Look at that car carrier! Holden, keep your eyes open! Oooooh, Holden, look at that blue car! It’s like aracecar. Look, it’s a puppy. Holden! Hollllldennnnn. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Don’t fall asleep yet, buddy. Look, it’s a cement mixer!!!
    And I’m driving super fast, but I’m hitting every red light, and I’m blaring the music and I’m even pumping the brake super hard at red lights to make the car jump like one of those lowrider cars that bounces because I’m hoping that will keep him awake, but it’s totally not working and his eyes are about to close.

    ZOEY: (sounding a lot like a poltergeist) RAWRRRRRRRRR, HOLDEN WAKE UPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ME: Don’t do that, sweetie.
    But I see his eyes open for a split second, so I change my mind.

    ME: Wait, yes, do that!! Do that!!!
    So Zoey keeps screaming at him and I have no idea how anyone can sleep through all this but apparently he can even though this is the same kid who wakes up in the middle of the night if the neighbor coughs next