I Want My Epidural Back by Karen Alpert Page A

door. WTF? His eyelids flutter closed and 3, 2, 1 . . . he’s out. Shit. Now the best thing I can hope for is to drive around quietly and let him sleep for a while before we go home so he’s not a sleep-deprived maniac later today. So I turn toward the highway and give Zoey the shhhh finger in the mirror. And we’re driving quietly, until suddenly out of nowhere . . .

    ZOEY: Look, Mom!! A coyote!
    At first I’m like ennnnhhh, bullshit, but I look up and sure enough, standing in the middle of the circular ramp to the highway there’s a coyote on the grass.

    ME: Wow, that’s weird, it is a coyote! Cool.

    HOLDEN: What? What is it?!!
    Awww shit, look who just woke up after a very restful three-minute nap.

    ZOEY: It’s a coyote, Holden!
    No, no, noooo, don’t say it!!! Because I don’t know how highways are where you live, but where we live, you drive very fast on them, and we’re already flying at fifty miles per hour on the highway and that coyote is lonnnnng gone. Shit.

    HOLDEN: Where is it? I wanna see it!!

    ZOEY: You missed it!

    ME: Ohhh, I’m sorry buddy, we already passed it.
    Shit shit shit. This is not going to go well at all.

    ZOEY: It was sooooo cool, Holden!!! It was GIANT! And it was growling.
    Ummm, no it wasn’t. It was standing there doing nothing.

    ZOEY: He was like this, “Grrrrrrrrrr,” and he was as big as a lion!
    WTF?

    HOLDEN: Go back!!! I wanna see the coyote!!!
    Yeah, okay, I’ll just get off at the next exit in two miles and turn around and travel three miles back and then get off to turn around again and then go back to the entrance ramp and he’ll probably still be standing there in the same spot. Not.

    ME: I’m sorry, Holden, we can’t.

    HOLDEN: GOOOO BACKKKK!!!!

    ME: We can’t, buddy. But let’s keep our eyes out for another one!!
    Because you know, the highways are just lined with random coyotes.

    HOLDEN: NOOOOO, GOOOOO BACK!!!!!! I (air suck) WANT (air suck) TO (air suck) SEE (air suck) THE (air suck) COYOTEEEEE (air suck) !!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (huge-ass air suck)
    And in case it isn’t clear based on the number of H’s in the word wah , this goes on for the rest of the ride until we’re four blocks from home, at which point he suddenly stops screaming and the car goes silent and he falls asleep. Phew, finally. And at least he’ll get a two-minute nap in now. No wait, F that, I’ll just park the car and stay with him while he naps and surf on my phone and Zoey can go inside and watch TV. Brilliant! I pull up the driveway and open the garage door. The garage door that really never seemed very loud until this moment.

    GARAGE DOOR: EERRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

    HOLDEN: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I WANT TO SEE THE COYOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Awesome.

I lovvvvvve sleepovers . . . when they’re at somebody else’s house

    Dear friend who’s taking my kiddo for a sleepover tonight,

    Here are some rules for it. Yeah, that’s right, rules for YOUR house. Because she’s coming back home to MY house tomorrow, and I don’t need you F’ing up all the hard work I’ve put into her over the past six years. So here goes.

    Â Â Â Â Â Â    1. If she wakes up in the middle of the night, you have my permission to tell her to “go the F back to sleep.” Just make sure the last words you say as you shut the door are something nice like, “night night, honey” or “sweet dreams.” You know, just in case it’s the last thing she hears. That’s what I do.

    Â Â Â Â Â Â    2. Please do not cuddle with her or rub her back while she falls asleep. (a) That’s creepy, and (b) she’s gonna come back to my house asking for that shit and, well, homey don’t play that.

    Â Â Â Â Â Â