I Hate This Place: The Pessimist's Guide to Life by Jimmy Fallon, Gloria Fallon

Chapter One
    If You Were Thinking Of…
    Going to Happy Hour to meet some new friends:
    Think again. You'll be the only person without a friend or a date, and you're too shy to just go up and introduce yourself to strangers. You're just going to sit by yourself, paying for drink after drink, until you're a pathetic, quivering mass at the bottom of your barstool. It'll turn out to be Sad Hour instead, for you and everyone involved.
    Having a birthday party:
    For What? To celebrate how many years you've been dragging yourself around on this earth? Anyway, only surprise birthday parties take away the stress and embarrassment of nobody showing up. Atleast then you can say, “Well, I didn't want a stupid party anyway.”
    Calling up an old friend after a long time:
    Seriously, rethink this. Any conversation that begins with “Hey, remember me?” is doomed from the get-go.
    Leaving the house:
    This is okay, just remember that you will most likely run into people you don't want to talk to, and also there is more of a chance that you can get killed.
    Going to a family reunion:
    Your immediate family is bad enough. Do you really want to see the people who are responsible for starting this whole mess?
    Buying a car:
    Remember there is a possibility that this could be your coffin.
    Going dancing:
    Sure, people have fun dancing, right? Yeah, they'll have more fun watching you do the “Can't Buy Me Love” dance by yourself.
    Gambling at a casino:
    Do you think that after all these years you're going to be lucky? You might as well throw your money out the window—at least then you won't have to pay for a lonely hotel room.
    Listening to music:
    Well it's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and…change this song, it's giving me a goddamn headache!
    Going to the wedding you were invited to:
    Just send a card with money, that's all they really wanted anyway.
    Talking to that person you think is “giving you the eye”:
    Keep your mouth shut. The only reason they keep looking at you is because you probably have some food stuck in your teeth.
    Seeing a foreign movie:
    Looking at picture…look at words…look at picture…look at words…look at me getting the hell out of the movie theater.
    Exercising:
    You'll probably just break your ankle or twist your knee. You have to be in shape to get into shape—it's a no-win situation, like so many others.
    Going to the laundromat to meet the people:
    Just say you luck out and meet someone who's interested in you. Do you really want to be with a person who can't afford a washer and dryer?

Chapter Two
    When People Say…
    When people say…
    “Let me have your number.”
    They really mean:
    “Let me have your number so that I don't have to give you mine.”
    When people say…
    “Hey, we'll get together.”
    They really mean:
    “I hope I never run into you again!”
    When people say…
    “Oh, look what time it is!”
    They really mean:
    “And while you're looking, I’m leaving!”
    When people say…
    “Thank you for your application. Your résumé was extremely impressive.”
    They really mean:
    “You didn't get the job, and I blew my nose in your résumé.”
    When people say…
    “Hey, is that new?”
    They really mean:
    “I hope you kept the receipt.”
    When people say…
    “Are we having fun or what?”
    They really mean:
    “What.”
    When people say…
    “Hey, there…uh…buddy!”
    They really mean:
    “I have no idea what your name is, nor do I even care.”
    When people say…
    “You have that ‘retro’ look.”
    They really mean:
    “You're really trying hard to look young.”
    When people say…
    “What are you doing later?”
    They really mean:
    “I hope you aren't going to be where I am later.”
    When people say…
    “Oh, can you hold on a minute? I have another call.”
    They really mean:
    “Thank God for the mute button!
    I’ll just say it's my aunt calling long-distance.”
    When people say…
    “Well, that's very