I Hate This Place: The Pessimist's Guide to Life by Jimmy Fallon, Gloria Fallon Page B
Authors: Jimmy Fallon, Gloria Fallon
Tags: HUM007000
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must be.
People say that Nostradamus predicted both world wars, the rise of Hitler, and the assassination of Kennedy.
Too bad he put it in a code that no one could understand until the events happened. Some prophet he was.
Chapter Four
My Story
I bought a package of low-fat cookies that had 50 percent more cookies in the box than usual, so if I ate the whole box I’d gain more weight than if it was a regular-size box of cookies. They should call these types of cookies “High-Fats” because that's what everyone's going to say when I walk in the room.
I went to a fast food restaurant and had to wait twenty minutes.
I wasn't mad that I didn't get my food quickly.
I was simply outraged that someone else was in control of wasting my time.
Why should I date? Oh, I know! Just so I can get to know a person so well that I start to get attached to them, spend my money on them, neglect my friends and family, and then get dumped so that I’m worse off than I ever was.
As if my social life wasn't bleak enough, Caller ID had to come along. My number might as well be listed as “Don't Pick Up the Phone.”
When people talk to me, I usually nod my head and agree with whatever they are saying. If they continue to talk, I then say, “Are you still talking to me, horseface?”
I don't use clocks to tell time. I use them more as a countdown to see how much time is left in another sad day of my life.
Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, “Boy, things are going just as I always wanted them to?” I didn't think so.
My pet rock is the only one I trust in this world.
I never “live in the past” like some people who go to therapy—the past was bad enough while it was happening.
When my parents told me that there was no Santa Claus, I wasn't surprised. Once I had found out all the other kids got presents from this “Santa,” I put two and two together.
Some people say it's better to give than to receive. When you have cheap friends like mine—it sure is!
I say tomato, you say tomohtoe. I say potato, you say potahtoe. You're wrong.
Some people play the lotto, but instead I pick up pennies. They're out $200 a year, and I’m up $3.12. Suckers!
When people call my name, I automatically assume that they are talking to someone else.
I don't think I’ll ever get married. I can barely accept myself” for better or worse, richer or poorer.”
I think people who run in marathons are crazy.
I wouldn't do it even if I was guaranteed to win.
Sweating like a pig, accepting little cups of water from strangers, and having diarrhea run down my legs in public for a cheap medal just isn't worth it, as far as I’m concerned.
Every one keeps telling me to put more of my hard-earned money into my retirement fund. Why?
So when I’m sixty-five I can afford to have that new hip put in?
I saw the face of death starting back at my today—cold-blooded eyes, hook, and scythe.
I started to panic until I realized it was just a mirror.
I was going to go to Amsterdam, but do I really need to go to a place where there are more legal depressants?
I remember when I was growing up I used to have one of those imaginary friends. The only problem was that he ignored me.
Most kids get excited when it snows, thinking of sleigh riding and snowmen. I used to think of the increased amount of car accidents the snow would bring.
I don't go to “amusement” parks.
Call me crazy, but spinning around in circles and watching kids throw up cotton candy just doesn't amuse me.
I hate public transportation, but here's an effective way to deal with it: Pour coffee on the seat next to you.
Not only can nobody sit there, but you get the joy of seeing everyone's disappointment once they realize they can't sit down.
Whenever I’m stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, “Where did the creator of ‘The Jetsons’ go, and why hasn't he done something about this??”
Chapter Five
Optimistic Advice You Shouldn't Follow
The Early
People say that Nostradamus predicted both world wars, the rise of Hitler, and the assassination of Kennedy.
Too bad he put it in a code that no one could understand until the events happened. Some prophet he was.
Chapter Four
My Story
I bought a package of low-fat cookies that had 50 percent more cookies in the box than usual, so if I ate the whole box I’d gain more weight than if it was a regular-size box of cookies. They should call these types of cookies “High-Fats” because that's what everyone's going to say when I walk in the room.
I went to a fast food restaurant and had to wait twenty minutes.
I wasn't mad that I didn't get my food quickly.
I was simply outraged that someone else was in control of wasting my time.
Why should I date? Oh, I know! Just so I can get to know a person so well that I start to get attached to them, spend my money on them, neglect my friends and family, and then get dumped so that I’m worse off than I ever was.
As if my social life wasn't bleak enough, Caller ID had to come along. My number might as well be listed as “Don't Pick Up the Phone.”
When people talk to me, I usually nod my head and agree with whatever they are saying. If they continue to talk, I then say, “Are you still talking to me, horseface?”
I don't use clocks to tell time. I use them more as a countdown to see how much time is left in another sad day of my life.
Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, “Boy, things are going just as I always wanted them to?” I didn't think so.
My pet rock is the only one I trust in this world.
I never “live in the past” like some people who go to therapy—the past was bad enough while it was happening.
When my parents told me that there was no Santa Claus, I wasn't surprised. Once I had found out all the other kids got presents from this “Santa,” I put two and two together.
Some people say it's better to give than to receive. When you have cheap friends like mine—it sure is!
I say tomato, you say tomohtoe. I say potato, you say potahtoe. You're wrong.
Some people play the lotto, but instead I pick up pennies. They're out $200 a year, and I’m up $3.12. Suckers!
When people call my name, I automatically assume that they are talking to someone else.
I don't think I’ll ever get married. I can barely accept myself” for better or worse, richer or poorer.”
I think people who run in marathons are crazy.
I wouldn't do it even if I was guaranteed to win.
Sweating like a pig, accepting little cups of water from strangers, and having diarrhea run down my legs in public for a cheap medal just isn't worth it, as far as I’m concerned.
Every one keeps telling me to put more of my hard-earned money into my retirement fund. Why?
So when I’m sixty-five I can afford to have that new hip put in?
I saw the face of death starting back at my today—cold-blooded eyes, hook, and scythe.
I started to panic until I realized it was just a mirror.
I was going to go to Amsterdam, but do I really need to go to a place where there are more legal depressants?
I remember when I was growing up I used to have one of those imaginary friends. The only problem was that he ignored me.
Most kids get excited when it snows, thinking of sleigh riding and snowmen. I used to think of the increased amount of car accidents the snow would bring.
I don't go to “amusement” parks.
Call me crazy, but spinning around in circles and watching kids throw up cotton candy just doesn't amuse me.
I hate public transportation, but here's an effective way to deal with it: Pour coffee on the seat next to you.
Not only can nobody sit there, but you get the joy of seeing everyone's disappointment once they realize they can't sit down.
Whenever I’m stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, “Where did the creator of ‘The Jetsons’ go, and why hasn't he done something about this??”
Chapter Five
Optimistic Advice You Shouldn't Follow
The Early
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